sarah & chet

Her name is...

2012-01-24T10:52:00.001-06:00

Grey Erwin

So many people have asked, and I have been hesitant to share her name "publicly", but Chet told me last night that we should tell people since it is 'leaking out' any ways. We love her name and I hope she does too one day. :) Little Miss Grey has a middle name as well, but since her Daddy chose it and wants to share on her birthday, I will keep my lips sealed until that special time.

We had wonderful doctor appointments yesterday! I could not stop smiling all afternoon...I am probably one of the only moms on earth that are excited to have a breech baby, and was thrilled she is breech now. (We are getting a c-section, so breech is not bad, and only means she is not as eager to come early!) She is still as shy as ever for the camera, so we did not get any good facial pictures. She gets her reaction towards cameras from her mama, for sure. I know how annoying I must be to Tisha now! :( (SORRY TISHA!) We did get some great photos of her long fingers though [the ones covering her face]; I love that she has inherited that from my side of the family. Her cousins Kayson and Hannah both have long fingers, and I am already planning on a piano purchase in the future...

I had my glucose test and will get the results within a day or so. Grey and I certainly do enjoy our sweets, so I am hoping we passed! We will be in Lubbock each Monday for NST from here on out; I'll gladly drive 3 hours a week for the reassurance it brings.

Baby Updates
*Trimester:
3rd - Possibly having a c-section in about 8.5 weeks!
*Current food craving:
Apricots - This was the same weird craving I had with Holden, although being a summer baby, they were in season with him. I have had to make do with canned ones (bummer for zero nutritional value) since I refuse to ingest the sulfur that comes with dried apricots while pregnant. Other than apricots, I really don't crave foods pregnant. Nope, we don't discriminate...we just like them all! ;)
*Growth:
Grey is exceedingly perfect in growth, so we except a chunky little girl upon arrival. We saw some chubby cheeks peeking out under her hands yesterday. I am in love. :)
*Weight gain:
Not posting on a blog. :) Let's just say we are doing a-okay.

Today's wonderful news:
JD Smith (Holden Uganda Co-Founder) is currently in Uganda right now, visiting the well projects, Sanyu Babies Home and Dr. Patrick, as well as coordinating and filming the building of a well and accomplishing business. His visit there is such an exciting step for HUF, so those of us on American soil are doing our best to not be jealous. ;)

This morning I received a call from his wife Kara about his visit to Holden's well. It MADE my day, and made my heart burst with JOY! ♥ During his visit, he was able to hold and love on a 17 month-old toddler whose family was drinking clean water. Of course, Holden is 17 months-old, so this made me cry. He also met 100 people in a short 20 minute period who were lined up to fetch clean water from the well. Once again we were powerfully reminded that each well represents LIFE! I dream of taking Grey to these wells one day soon...

{{Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones. Proverbs 15:30}}

January update

2012-01-18T09:02:00.002-06:00

Here we are halfway through January! I was told this month would fly by...and I am so glad it has! Back in August I was thinking January seemed so very, very far away. Right now March seems so very, very far away, but I know it will be here in just a minute.

January has always been one of my least favorite months. I am not a fan of cold weather, resolutions end up disappointing most people, and the view in West Texas is extra dull and drab. Lastly, being the animal lover that I am, I always feel sad for the animals stuck out in the cold ...sometimes I want to anonymously place heat lamps throughout the neighborhoods for all the cats and dogs. ;)

Thanks to Edie Wadsworth's blog, I was given a fresh perspective on January! This past week I have attempted to discover some things uniquely nice about the month. My little list so far:
1. More inside time means more reading. Even if "reading" means Pinterest, it's relaxing, right? ;) I am enjoying a lot of restful indoor activities.
2. I appreciate flowers a lot more. As I drove through Lubbock the other day, I noticed a person had beautiful, healthy pansies growing in their flower bed. The purples and yellows were in stark contrast to the surroundings, and may have been the prettiest flower beds I have ever seen.
3. January is a great time to enjoy soups and comfort foods. Mmmm!
4. Snow is beautiful, and our dry ground has been blessed with several snows this winter.
5. January is kind of a new start; a way to clean up anything and everything.
On another note:
Chet has been at Weaver Construction for a couple weeks, and is loving it. I love that he loves his job! It is so neat to see my husband being blessed, because I wholeheartedly believe he deserves it.

January update on Baby E:
Our little girl is growing right on track! At our last ultrasound she weighed approximately 2 lbs. 2 oz. and once again she is a GIRL - no boy surprises! ;) We have another ultrasound this upcoming Monday, so we can see if she has packed on even more weight. I will also take the glucose test and start Non-Stress Testing once a week. I cannot say enough how much I LOVE having two of the most caring and intelligent doctors, willing to do anything to keep our little one safe.
She is a little eager beaver (impatient like her mama) and already head down ready to meet us. I keep reminding her that she will have plenty of time on the outside world after she comes, and that she should enjoy her cozy womb home for a little while longer.

I have gone through a very hungry stage this past month. I am going to assume our little girl is growing with me. My weight gain is once again higher than I set out to gain in the beginning, but I truly would gain 200 lbs. (and love all of them) for a healthy baby! Notice the chunkier cheeks?? (And that isn't just on the Little Miss ha...)

A picture of us this morning. Please ignore the foam mattress leaning on the wall in the background. (Oh and that is a sneak peak of the color of her nursery walls!)
Thanks to several friends, she now owns a few adorable girl outfits. I am still considering buying some blue, green and brown bows to make all the boy clothes we have a little more feminine. ;)
We have a precious friend painting her furniture and another precious friend making her bedding. We are very blessed! Her nursery might just be ready by Spring Break...
We hope to meet her and tell her how much we love her face to face in about 9 weeks!
Life has been busy adjusting to changes this new year...God is so good to us!

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6

Holiday Recap

2012-01-02T11:06:00.003-06:00

This is an attempt at documenting our life, so it's not an exciting post by any means. I just want to recap the 2011 holiday season.

In just two days I will be back at work. This break has simply disappeared! Some people say they get bored during the holiday break, but I can definitely say when I am home I am ten times busier. I have not enjoyed a bored day yet since my lists of to-dos don't ever seem to let up! :) Pinterest doesn't help me in that area either. ;)

Christmas was so much better on my heart this year. Last year was such a blur, I can only sketch together pieces of the season. I am most grateful for the JOY that the Lord has restored to us this year.

We still 'minimalized' Christmas between the two of us, but we enjoyed several family celebrations. Sadly I was out of it and did not document the season with pictures. Oh well. There's always next year. :)

I spent a day in Brady with my sister's family and the Shuffields before Christmas, which was so nice! Chet could not join me due to work (more on that later). He missed everyone, but will certainly be there next year! My nephews are at the age that Christmas is magical, which is so fun to be a part of. The Shuffields treat us like royalty...a family we treasure. I realized on my drive home from Brady again just how blessed I am to have such precious families in our lives that are Family.

Christmas day was wonderful and simple. We woke up to a beautiful white landscape and made breakfast in bed. Chet and I spent the whole day together and loved sharing couple time. He even helped me in the kitchen baking for several hours. :) I am hoping this is the last Christmas we ever have to wake up late and have a quiet house though! We went to Holden's gravesite and reflected for a little bit. Although we still cried, it was not because we would ever take Holden away from celebrating Jesus' birth in the very presence of Jesus Christ. It was simply because we missed our 16-month toddler celebrating with us.

The next day we had Chet's family Christmases. That morning we met at Trey and Carrie's beautiful new home for the Erwin Christmas. Then we all headed to Connie's amazing ~~Winter Wonderland~~ house for the Sterling Family Christmas, where we enjoyed very yummy Mexican food (quite possibly the best holiday meal I have had in a while)! Must be pregnant since I am mentioning the food before anything else, huh? ;) It was the first holiday since I have known Chet that every family member was present, which was special to see. We also participated in the traditional gift exchange, a Chinese gift exchange and a fun game Shea came up with. Chet's nephews, niece and cousins' kids are all getting so grown up. It was a good day to visit with the family, and I especially liked getting to have lunch in the living room with Brooke and Carrie for 'girl time', since the tables were all taken up.

Chet surprised me with an offer to paint the nursery (this is big, as much as he hates painting), so he sent me to Dallas to visit Brittney and Blair for a couple of days last week. I always love to catch up with two of my closest college friends! I arrived home to a very bright nursery. (I like the color...it's just going to take some getting used to since it's brilliant.) It has been a slow process in our hearts getting ready for this baby, but a painted nursery makes me feel more ready to start tackling the rest of her nursery.

We spent the last few days and New Year's weekend sifting/sorting through our entire house cleaning and organizing. I had a mild (OK major) panic attack on Friday upon my return home from Dallas, when I realized we were going to [Lord willing] bring our daughter home in about 11 weeks. I almost wanted to sell our house and move, just so that we would be forced to organize everything. (I have a theory that we should pack up our entire house every 4 years, as if we are moving, and then move back in. This would keep us a lot more aware of the enormous amount of stuff we have!)

I have always been one to keep an orderly home, but this last year of my life has been so disheveled and crazy. As much as I would like to blame the awesome emergence of Holden Uganda's growth, on top of regular lives and jobs, I simply cannot. 2011 and I were a little out-of-sorts with each other, and it showed in the fact that nearly every closet and drawer in my house was "the junk drawer". Ugh.

I woke up today with such a renewed mind, as I walked around with my coffee and realized our home is much more back to normal again. When my home is in disarray, it feels like a 'house'. Today it is home.
I am so grateful that the Lord cleaned out my heart in many ways last year, more than anything physical could ever amount to, but I am also grateful that I can breath easier in the fact that my home and life are going to get back to organized as well. My biggest goal for this upcoming year is finding the right balance between "Martha and Mary" (thanks Jaci!). I want my main focus to be on the eternal, yet still have a place here on earth that is welcoming, warm and inviting. I believe much of my stress over the year has been due to the fact that I could not stay on top of our lives, as I once was always able to. And I also know that my life is not going to slow down with a baby...

The Lord has given us a huge gift in the stewardship of Holden Uganda, and we are excited that there are even bigger plans for HUF in 2012 than 2011. (yikes!) Many fabulous changes are happening in our family right now, and I look forward to this new year with such joy!! Chet has been blessed with a new job opportunity (starting soon), one that we are incredibly grateful for. God's provision over us is always greater than anything I could ask for or even dream up.

There are two words I can use to sum up 2011: restored joy
There are two words I can use as I anticipate 2012: His faithfulness

We pray that 2012 is a year that the Lord's blessings are showered on our dear family and friends!! I want to write one thing to my new Hope Mommy friends: God is the same today as He was at the beginning of time. His plans are perfect for you. As impossible as it may seem now, I believe that you too will look back in a year and understand how things (painful, awful things) are what will draw you closer to Him. You will have joy restored. Christ's love for us never ends. I appreciate my "mentor" Hope Mommies sharing this with me a year ago...so I want to share it with you.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Merry Christmas from the Erwins

2011-12-23T13:51:00.000-06:00

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:10-11

My little brother is getting old

2011-12-20T11:02:00.001-06:00

Happy birthday to my handsome, adorable, amazing brother Joel Daniel!! To be honest I couldn't remember how old he was until I logged on to Facebook today. Sad, since he's only 17 months younger than Charys and me...when you get old, the numbers don't seem to matter anymore. ;)

Joel and Charity are quite possibly the most gorgeous couple on earth...inside and out.

While I was stealing photos from his Facebook page, I thought I should include a couple of his favorite things as well. After all, it IS his birthday. :)

Oh, and she happens to be one of my favorite things too.

Happy birthday bro. We love you!!

But take diligent heed to do the commandments and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all His ways, and to keep His commandments, and to cleave unto Him, and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5

Our little princess

2011-12-20T10:44:00.002-06:00

We got another glimpse of our little princess at an ultrasound yesterday. Most importantly, she is very healthy (THANK YOU JESUS), had heart rate in the 150's, growing well (about a week+ ahead of schedule) --- and we think quite cute if we must admit. Chet said she is beautiful; I agree.

The little stinker decided to be shy about showing her face again. I literally looked through our ultrasound photos from 13 weeks on, and in every.single.set. she is covering her face with her arms. I carry all the u/s photos with me, so we had a good laugh that even when she resembled a teeny gummy bear, those two arms were over her face. I went through my iPhone photos and found many of Holden doing the same thing. It made my heart leap see and remember that.

Now I know she does not always have her arms covering her face. As I type this, I feel her whole body stretching out, feet on one side and hands on the other. I think she senses the u/s wand and quickly covers up! We suppose she wants us to be a little surprised about something upon her arrival.

This was the best photo we got of her face (profile), and the few people I sent it to could barely make it out. Her eyes are covered with an arm, but you can see her nose, lips and chin if you are a sleuth. When we changed to 3D, both of those arms shot straight up to her face.

I love you my little princess.

Nothing makes me happier at an appointment than to see our healthy baby. Her Creator takes my breath away.

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything. Rather, He Himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. Acts 17:24-25

Happy "Anniversary" HUF!!

2011-12-18T18:55:00.000-06:00

Since I am definitely not going to be able to describe the past year in mere words on a blog, I just want to say THANK YOU to our amazing Christ Jesus for allowing us to be given an opportunity to experience such hope. Never in my life would I have pictured being a part of anything like this, yet God has redeemed our hearts and replaced brokenness with joy.

Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord!

Holden Uganda's 1st Year:
Founded in December 2010
Goal to build nine wells in nine months completed in 6 weeks
55 wells completed, 60 wells funded
1 orphanage clean water and sanitation project (ongoing)
1 primary school water project completed
Hope and life given to thousands of people

We know the Lord is just getting started with Holden Uganda...

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Photos

2011-12-16T13:56:00.002-06:00

I am beginning to get a little self-conscious/worried about comments that my belly isn't as "round" as it should be. I think she is growing sideways in my stomach, so it looks different than last time. With Holden I felt like I always had a protruding stomach. Now I have to eat a large breakfast and lunch to get photos like these.

I really dislike 'cell phone in mirror photos'. Excuse me for this please. And the fact that I am taking my time off work seriously by wearing sweats and house shoes nearly all day. Really, this is simply just for my daughter to see one day:

As you can see, the nursery colors are the same still. We haven't done anything to the room just yet.

This is us at conservatively 22.5 weeks. (We are possibly a couple weeks further along than that, but I am being conservative.)

I just found this photo on my phone I snapped while I was staying in Oklahoma for a work trip. I originally was not going to share on my blog, but I want to show how much I've grown in the last month. This was about 17 weeks.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 1 John 4:9

Pregnancy - over halfway there

2011-12-14T12:26:00.006-06:00

I am going to attempt to document this pregnancy better for our daughter to read one day. I know I have not done near as much this time around in terms of documenting and photographing, and I want our girl to know she has been loved more than words. My goal is to do this every four weeks or so from here on out.

My sweet friend Megan gave me a book called Love Letters to My Baby. It has been tremendously helpful to have a way to track the pregnancy and I would recommend it to any expectant mom, especially Hope Mommies.

Size and development of baby:
Just like her older brother, this little one has always been on the larger side at her ultrasounds. I am always relieved when I see that she is growing on track! Baby Center says she weighs over a pound now. We will find out exactly how big she is at next Monday's ultrasound, but I am guessing she is going to be 19-20 ounces next week (I always like to guess). thebump.com says she is about the size of a papaya. Since papayas are not readily available in West Texas during the winter, I was not able to buy one this week to feel the weight. Instead I am posting a photo I took off their website:

I am feeling her movements every day, my favorite part of being pregnant. She dances most in the early morning hours, from about 5am-7am. I adore feeling her precious choreography while I get ready for the day, although I am able to feel her randomly throughout the rest of the day as well.

If I were to guess, I would think she is laying sideways where her feet are on my right side. I know she is moving around and doing circles and flips all day, but I feel most "kicks" low on my right side. Chet can feel her move too...such a sweet moment of our evenings!

According to what I have read, she has all facial features formed that she will be born with. I love imagining what she looks like!

How I am feeling and changing:
As each day passes I am more at ease. It would be a lie to say I was completely "okay" and peaceful about this pregnancy, but I am grateful that when I do get worried, it is usually quickly replaced with a genuine peace from the Lord. I know she is being formed perfectly by her Heavenly Father, and that He has already planned each minute of her life from the beginning. For me to stress about it only makes me miserable, so I daily "hand her over" to God. The battle of faithlessness is something I fight with daily, struggling to place all my confidence in our Creator. If I go a a long time without feeling her move, I am learning to pray more instead of freak out. This pregnancy has taught me a lot about my walk with the Lord, and He is already using my daughter's life to mold me.

Physically I feel good. The second trimester is much kinder than the first. As with any pregnancy, I get tired more easily than usual. I was far greener this time around than my pregnancy with Holden, although I have nearly no nausea anymore with food...a wonderful feeling! (Some smells still make me sick.) I am even drinking my one cup of coffee a day. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever enjoy my favorite beverage again. :)

...Actually, I think all pregnancy symptoms have been stronger with our daughter, than with our son. They say every pregnancy is different, and it's definitely held true!

My nails are growing faster. This is just plain miraculous to me since I have never, ever had strong nails. This has even motivated me to get a monthly manicure. I wouldn't want to waste the fact that my nails are prettier after all. ;) My hair is not growing any faster, and my face is still breaking out...but it is all extremely worth it!

I have a definite bump, though not as defined as before. My weight gain seems to be more spread out this time, but I still love that I have do have a bump. I am gaining about the same that I did with Holden, even though Chet says I am gaining less. He knows what to tell his pregnant wife. :)

Being pregnant in the winter is great! My hands and feet have not swollen at all yet, and I can sleep without being miserably hot. I am probably speaking immaturely on these topics, so I will have to re-visit this in February.

I view this pregnancy 180 degrees different than I viewed my first. I am trying to enjoy every single moment, even when I am fearful and stressed. Weight gain has not bothered me at all. Using a hefty portion of my paycheck on gasoline to drive to my very-often appointments has not bothered me. Even being more "restful" is something I am learning to appreciate.

Amazing the love mommies can have for their babies when they haven't even held them yet.

Holden,
I LOVE that you already know your little sister and know exactly what she looks like. I imagine you and Jesus talking about her and how much you love her. You probably even know exactly when she will take her first breath on earth. I dream that her eye color is your eye color, and I look forward to seeing her eyes every day.
Your life has made her life so much more special to us.
One day soon we will be repainting and decorating the room we had planned for you. It is difficult to imagine your handsome little nursery being a girlie nursery, even though I know if you could say something to me about it you would probably tell me to be happy because of where you live now.
Our love for you never ceases to grow.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

I will listen to what God the LORD says; He promises peace to His people. Psalm 85:8a

Stinky without a shower

2011-12-08T09:03:00.001-06:00

The town of Snyder has lost water due to the extreme cold weather causing a main water line break. We have been without water for the last day and a half...but not without warm houses, electricity and the ability to buy as many bottles of water as we would like. So maybe I should say we have only been without unlimited running water.

This circumstance has made it even more clear to me how blessed we are to be given the stewardship over Holden Uganda. I am whiny after just 24 hours of not being able to get my daily long, hot shower, even though I am still drinking unlimited amounts of clean bottled water.

It hurts to think of one billion people not having any access ever to clean water. That is a large number: 1,000,000,000

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

Matthew 25:40 was on my heart the second I woke up today. Whether or not we want to face the fact that those around the world are our brothers and sisters, doesn't make it any less true.

Santa is coming

2011-12-07T08:40:00.000-06:00

~~Santa~~ Jesus is coming!

Wouldn't it be cool if we could get our kids as excited about Jesus coming (or just Jesus in general) as they are about Santa?! Elf on a Shelf would be unnecessary if they knew Jesus always cares about their actions. :) :)

Don't get me wrong...I love seeing kids excited about the Christmas season...and I am happily amused by the cute Elf on a Shelf idea. Furthermore, this is obviously coming from someone who isn't parenting a child on earth (I admit it...so don't hate!), but I do wish they were more excited about the meaning behind it all, and not all the presents they will soon put aside.

I know the pressures of parenting are extremely tough - to say the least - even without walking in those shoes yet. So this blog is not to judge anyone. Rather it is my own thoughts typed out for the day, and something I hope that Chet and I will personally be able to emphasize in our home with our children. Hopefully starting next year.

For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done. Matthew 16:27

Welcome WINTER

2011-12-05T13:40:00.001-06:00

We woke up to bright white snow this morning! Henri begged to go outside, so we gave her a look first.

Then we let her outside. She wasn't so thrilled once she actually got out there. :)

For some reason I can't get these pictures to rotate, but I am still posting. I love icicles!

Especially icicles on lights!

Rusty was very UNhappy we made him go outside this morning. He sat shivering under the heat lamp, giving us sad "Why Mom?!" looks.

Luke was enjoying the snow too much to sit still for a photo. I feel a little bad only having photos of 2 out of 3 of our fur babies; it feels like choosing favorites. ;)

Since the snow is still falling, I will try to get some more pics this evening. Welcome winter to West Texas!

“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

30th

2011-11-30T19:35:00.001-06:00

Picture found on Pinterest

Reflecting on what I am thankful for over the past thirty days has been refreshing. I hope that I will reflect more often, instead of dwelling on my wants and 'woes'.

With all that I have to be thankful for, the hundreds of little things that make up my blessed life, I had a difficult job narrowing down my last November post.

Today we found out that our dear friends tragically lost their brother. This is just some of the heartbreaking news we have learned about amongst our circle of friends and family this month. I am so hurt for the families who are affected. Sadly, almost everyone will eventually go through a very painful journey in their life, and I am so much more aware of this fact lately. But because of the Hope of Christ, we do not have to live in constant hurt and pain.

There is nothing more effective to do for someone who is in pain than to be a prayer warrior for them; I believe that with all my heart. Tonight I am thankful for the power of prayer. Our Savior is living, powerful, healing and capable of moving mountains in our lives. When we are in the deepest valleys, He comforts us and lifts us out (Psalm 23).

Without the prayer warriors in my life, I would not be typing tonight. Prayer is powerful and effective (James 5:16).

The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me - a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8

28th & 29th

2011-11-29T11:59:00.000-06:00

28th
We bought our first "baby thing" of this entire pregnancy yesterday: paint for the nursery.
I am thankful we could do it with joy, even though it took us over an hour of debating on colors; color is such a committment! The amazingly helpful and cheerful employee at Home Depot (really..she needs a raise) was incredibly patient with us, even though she sadly couldn't match paint colors from my phone's Pinterest app. Home Depot needs to get on that. Any ways, with her kind assistance and my husband nearly melting down, we made our choice.
Mostly I am thankful for a very generous friend who is going to help us paint. Chet has banned me from painting, so our friend is going to paint for us! Wow, huh?!
29th
I am thankful that in approximately 16 weeks (or really ... whatever God decides ... I am trying to remind myself that my plans are not the important ones) we will meet our little girl. I am thankful my doctor doesn't act like I'm just plain nuts when at each appointment I tell her exactly how many days we have left. I like to remind those who are more in charge than I am, exactly how long they have to prepare. ;)

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

26th and 27th

2011-11-27T10:10:00.002-06:00

26th
Yesterday the Shuffield family drove down to hang out with us for our late "family Thanksgiving" and watch the Tech/Baylor or game. They were considerate of the fact that I am resting more with this pregnancy, and drove 6 hours in one day just to spend a few hours with us.

I know I have blogged it many times before, but I cannot ever say just how thankful I am for the Shuffields. Normally you can't choose who your family is, and if I were to pick the most amazing family on earth, it would be the Shuffield family. Somehow God blessed me enough for that to be reality. Chet and I ask God to help us lead our family like they lead their family one day. God is the focus and they truly LOVE and have FUN with each other. We were thrilled they chose to spend their Saturday with us. Tisha is a "mom" I can discuss all my pregnancy woes and joys with...priceless. :)

27th
I am grateful I can feel our little girl's kicks and movements every day now. We are over halfway through this pregnancy, and I can finally say for "sure" that it is the baby I'm feeling moving around in there. Chet has even been able to feel her most days. It's so fun and one of the only times I can feel "relaxed" about her.

On a funny note: I asked Chet if he was going to cook us breakfast this morning, while lazily laying in bed late. My husband will do nearly anything on earth to help me (all housework he can and will do), but the kitchen is just not his "throne". I was obviously kidding when I said "cook", so I suggested Eggo waffles and a cup of coffee. His reply, "Um, do those cook in the toaster?" Oh boy.
I am so glad that we compliment each other and that I have a honey who can make me laugh. ;) ;) Resolution #10 for the New Year: teach Chet some kitchen basics.

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. Colossians 3:16

25th

2011-11-25T14:41:00.000-06:00

Joel and Hannah Grace

I am thankful for my little brother Joel. He is truly one of the most likable and funniest people I know. Oftentimes humorous personalities make up for lack of book smarts, but this is not the case with Joel. He is extraordinarily intelligent and passionate about everything he is involved in. Just ask anyone who knows him.

When Joel recommends that I read something, I read it. It's just like that. I think if he said to jump off a cliff I would ask him what his cliff jumping plan was, because he likely had it figured out where we would be okay!

He has a canny sense of what is important in life, is an amazing, humble man of God, and a wonderful husband (to his gorgeous, lovely wife Charity), daddy, brother and friend. His love for people and life is contagious.

I am so blessed to have Joel for a brother.

He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. 1 John 5:12

24th - Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T20:31:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving 2011!

How different this year is than last year. Memories of last holiday season are so foggy and unclear. In fact, Chet and I took a few minutes to figure out what we were doing and where we were last Thanksgiving. (Pretty sad, considering we were on an amazing trip in Santa Fe with the Shuffields!) I truly did not know it would be possible to really enjoy any holiday last year. I thought of all holidays with a jab in my heart.

Obviously I would still give anything to have a 15 month-old "little turkey" running around with us today. Obviously I am still sad when I sit and think about how much I miss being Holden's mommy on earth through every stage of his life. But today I am not sitting in deep grief. Today I am grateful for how the last year has shaped us. I am grateful that my son is able to spend every moment of his life in Paradise. Today I am grateful that because of Holden's life in heaven, we are expecting his sister.

We spent the day at Aunt Connie's beautiful home. She is a wonderfully gracious hostess and we enjoyed the abundant food, games and chatting together.

I am thankful for Chet's family, my "married in family". There are many different personalities in his family and they're always a diverse bunch, but I am grateful for the fact that they love each other and we have a place to "be" on holidays.

Chet's grandparents and parents are all still married, a rare example in today's world. I looked around at the group this afternoon and thought about how much I never knew they would be my family years ago. It's funny how family grows on you.

I am grateful they gave me my husband...without them he would not be here! :)

I hope your Thanksgiving was filled with love and joy.

For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 4:15 (in context - the whole chapter - is excellent and really spoke to me today!)

21st, 22nd and 23rd

2011-11-23T10:11:00.002-06:00

21st
We had a wonderful doctor's appointment on Monday. It is funny that one short session listening to a healthy heartbeat and/or seeing the little person God is forming inside of me can change my fears. (I have to be honest, I wish the feeling was longer-lasting, but I will take what I can get.)
I have been so grateful for doctors and nurses these past two years. I went from someone who had never, ever been to a doctor, to a person who can practically close her eyes on the drive to Lubbock and Covenant. I cannot say enough how much thanks I have for intelligent, caring, compassionate, brilliant doctors and nurses. They all love our little girl like their own. This is a silly story, but it explains how blessed we are with medical care: The other day I was in Dillard's and a precious, young girl, one of the radiologist techs in training who has seen us before, glanced over my way and literally walked up to me and gave me a hug and asked how I was feeling and how the baby was! She is 'just' someone apprenticing at our specialist's office, and she remembered us and cared! Our doctors want to be there for a happy redemption story almost as much as we do. It means so much to my heart to see how they care for Holden's little sister, and look forward to her special birthday.

22nd:
I am thankful for Holden Uganda and all involved. That God would choose all of us to be a part of such a beautiful organization is humbling. We were given the rewarding opportunity to speak to a huge youth group in Odessa yesterday; their young hearts are already so eager to spread God's love through clean water. A year and a half ago I met Kara Smith through a baby shower we hosted together. Our sons' due dates were a day apart, so we "small talked" about our pregnancies. Little did I know then how much this person would mean to me a year later. Each and every person who is a part of HUF has changed us and I know they are on our team because they bring exactly what is needed to the table.

I often wonder what HUF will look like in the future. It has already grown at a rate I wouldn't have imagined. There are days that I get exhausted and want to take a break, but I cannot picture my life where HUF is not a part of it. There are few things worth exhaustion like seeing the faces of the people receiving clean water. Motivation.

23rd:
I am thankful for the Thanksgiving break and getting to put my feet up today. Chet is even braving the grocery store for me this morning. That's true love. I think the breaks are sometimes the busiest in our lives, but today I have nearly nothing planned. My feet are up!
Speaking of feet...these are our little one's feet. She hid her face the whole.entire.time. at the ultrasound on Monday, much to her Mommy's dismay, but she was showing off her footsies just fine.

I think they are cute. :)

Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms. Psalm 95:2

20th

2011-11-20T13:28:00.000-06:00

This should not be "#20" at all. These are not in order of importance, but rather what stands out in my mind and heart on each particular day.

The internet search I just did came up with 51 countries that have made it illegal to own a Bible. I have not done enough checking to confirm that, but I do know for a fact of quite a few countries that illegalize the Word of God and professing a faith in Jesus Christ.

Today I am so grateful for the access I have to God through His Living Word. I have at least 8 Bibles, internet access to the Bible 24/7, plus a Bible app on my phone - that never leaves my side. At any time, I can read and gain from the powerful Words of the one and only True God. I was in a selfish and sour mood this morning, and once again after spending some time in the Scripture, I could not help but have a positive attitude adjustment. There is nothing on earth that has the power to change lives like the Word of God.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

18th and 19th

2011-11-19T19:22:00.000-06:00

Sleepiness has taken hold...but I definitely need to be remember what I am thankful for before I fade this evening.

18th
I am thankful for our home. It is perfect and cozy for Chet and I. Although not big and fancy in American standards, it is a palace in the world's standards. There is simply no place like home; there is no place I would rather be on this whole earth than snuggled up on our couch together. It is so easy for me to think of "bigger and better" or "change this or that", but I am so often reminded of how fortunate we are.

19th
As I was bathing earlier, my thoughts wandered to remember that the most tired, the most exhausted, the most stressed out and/or the worst day of mine cannot even compare to what many endure daily. So I am grateful for the healthy, pain-free, blessed life I am so privileged to live. It sounds a bit silly to type out, but it's what has been on my heart a lot.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21

17th

2011-11-17T18:19:00.000-06:00

There are three kids who utterly melt my heart. I cannot go a second without being thankful for them.

Kayson Scott - 5 years and Christopher Cohen - 21 months, the two best nephews on earth! (My sister and brother-in-law's sweet boys)

Hannah Grace - 2.5 months, the best niece on earth! (My brother and sister-in-law's precious daughter)

Being an Auntie is one of the most special titles on earth. I love these three to every single moon and star and back.

16th

2011-11-16T20:06:00.001-06:00

I was just thinking about what I was most thankful for today when I received a text with the above photo from Chet.

This is what his office looks like. He had left the house to deliver some Pampered Chef items for me and then grab some papers at his office. If he hadn't been talking to our friend (who he brought the PC items to) for a while, he would've been IN his office when this happened.

Tonight I am thankful for angels of protection.

Chet was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts (he had been walking the dogs), so I ran a sweatshirt up there. The photo definitely doesn't do it justice. It's quite a mess, but thankfully no one (including driver) was hurt.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Psalm 34:7

15th

2011-11-15T18:28:00.001-06:00

I am thankful for the relationship Chet and I have. We enjoy each other's company and genuinely have FUN every day together. We don't necessarily have an "exciting life", but we want to be with each other. I look forward to spending time with Chet after work, the second I walk out the door in the morning.

I'm so grateful for a husband who will do anything to help me, even if that means he does as much laundry and housework as I do. (By the way, he does ALL of our ironing!) Chet is having to help much more with this pregnancy and he is not complaining about his new role one bit. He wants his little girl and me to be safe and healthy.

Chet is my best friend, and someone I still catch myself staring at in amazement. I thank God for the man I am married to every single day.

We have a date night to watch Courageous together this evening. I look forward to having my sexy husband to cuddle with on dates like this 50 years from now.

And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Mark 10:8

14th

2011-11-14T21:00:00.000-06:00

This evening we are humbly thankful for healthy surprises.

Due to our doctors needing to give our baby extra viewing today, we had a surprise ultrasound. I am really learning to trust in God's care for this little one He has created, and today was a big lesson in trust for me.

Our little one looked beautiful on the screen. Healthy, vibrant and kicking like crazy. Exactly what we wanted to see.

The big surprise came in the fact that our sweet baby is Holden's little sister. Since the day we found out, we have just "known" we had a little brother...so this was a humungous shock. The news is sinking in and we still keep catching ourselves saying "he".

God gives the most perfect surprises. We are thrilled with the precious gift of a daughter.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17

13th

2011-11-14T20:31:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was the 13th, so in usual fashion, I will have to do two blogs tonight.

I am so grateful for our church and church family. When I moved to Snyder after marrying Chet a few years ago, I really was thinking I may become depressed. I was not expecting to end up in a small, windy, dusty (i.e. desolate to the outsider), West Texas town. I cried and just "knew" we couldn't live here long.

Well, thanks to some friends of ours who invited us to a new Sunday School class that had been started at Colonial Hill Baptist Church, we have been part of a group filled with the most loving, genuine Christian couples we have ever known. Chet and I believe God orchestrates every detail of our lives, and I cannot imagine going through the past two years without the family of God that we have in our church family.

My sisters in Christ are fun, caring and truly SPREAD Christ's love. I can't even type out all the love that has been bestowed upon us in the form of prayers, gifts, food, cards, time spent, etc. by these women.

Brother Tommy and Reid lead our church by the Word and challenge us with all of their messages. It is just what church should be like.

Years ago, I would have never imagined my husband drumming in a church band. Well, that is now what our Sunday evenings hold. He is part of the Word & Worship praise band, and I LOVE praising the Lord while getting to watch my husband drum. Such a blessings to see how much God is changing our little family and strengthening the man of God Chet is. Sunday nights are looked forward to starting Monday morning.

I am so thankful for Colonial Hill and the spiritual growth it has watered in our lives.

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. Colossians 3:16

12th

2011-11-12T17:57:00.002-06:00

Last night we had the surreal opportunity to visit with Dr. Patrick Mutano, in person, here in Snyder, TX! He is in the states from Uganda for a few weeks, and we are so blessed he could make time for us during his full agenda stateside.

Kara's parents hosted the BBQ at their lovely home, and we had beautiful chilly November weather for the occasion. (Dr. Patrick and I agreed that it was cold; I sat as close to the chiminea as possible. Everyone else was not bothered one bit by the cold.) ;) I did not cook or contribute anything, so I must make it known that Kara, JD, Karen, Keith, Darci, Bryan and Chet definitely did all the work. Thanks team!! I just got off work and showed up to chat and eat. Lucky me!

Getting to learn who the 'person' Dr. Patrick is was amazing. I loved to learn about his beautiful country, a country I believe part of my heart exists in. Chet and I long to visit, and will very soon. :)

Today I have been overwhelmingly thankful for Dr. Patrick and his heart dedicated to serving the Lord through service to others. He runs a hospital, overseas the building of our water wells, and we are even discussing the possibilities of an orphanage he will help direct. He uses his God-given abilities to give to others with all that he has. During the evening, Kara mentioned to him that they booked him a hotel room so that he would be 'comfortable'. His reply, "I live in a hut, Kara. I don't need a hotel to be comfortable."

A servant's heart. That is what I am grateful for today.

Karen took some photos of the evening with her camera, so I will post whenever I get them from her.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

11th

2011-11-11T13:14:00.002-06:00

I sit here typing, safe in my warm office. I enjoyed a warm burrito, hot coffee and a long, hot shower all before 8am. I ran errands during lunch and had pizza with my husband. I am not laying in scorching sand, having gone without a real meal in months, tired, exhausted and being shot at. I am not staring at the bloodied faces of my friends as they slip away. I am not; but thousands have and are this very minute. THANK YOU to every past Veteran and current Veteran. You've given us your lives, a gift greater than no other. Thank you to every family member who has had to hug their loved ones goodbye as they are sent off. Sacrifice...for us. Today I am thankful to have freedom that isn't free.

6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th

2011-11-10T11:39:00.000-06:00

Being away on a work trip made it difficult to blog, so I am going to lump these past few days together.

6th:
I am thankful for my job. I have the very best boss and coworker I could ever ask for; they are friends as well as coworkers. We have the best group of students who aspire to do more and more each year. They teach me much and I love working with them. The job also fits our family's lifestyle very well; having a high-risk pregnancy that I go to the doctor often makes me greatly appreciate this aspect. So many people are jobless and go without I type this, and the fact that I don't just have a "job", but a job that is also rewarding, is a blessing I am very thankful for.

7th:
I am so very thankful for health and the healthy people in my life. For years I took it for granted that I (and my close family and friends) were so healthy. My eyes and heart are so much more aware of how much of a blessing it is to be well and to have a healthy child. When I see a child with a disability or a person with ailing health, I have much more empathy and care for them...and I remember to thank the Lord for what He has given me. Similar circumstances to what rocked and changed my world are shaking up millions of lives each day.

8th:
I am grateful for Texas and the United States. Only about 1 in 22 people on this planet have the privilege I do, in that I was born as an American citizen. We have the amazing and under-appreciated privilege to worship the Lord Jesus Christ without fear of imprisonment, torture or a death sentence. We have access to clean water, healthy food, housing, education, jobs, health care, etc. no matter who you are or what you do. We are able to work hard and earn a good living. This country is not perfect by any means, but when I simply examine at what Chet and I waste on a monthly basis, I have more than most people will ever have.

9th:
I am thankful for heartbeats. I have my own baby Doppler (and brought it with me on our work trip) and get to listen to our little one's heartbeats whenever I need the assurance. I have a new very favorite sound.

10th:
Today I am thankful for Hope Mommies. These women are heroes in my life. They daily encourage me and uplift me. Having friends who know that the Lord's plans are mightier and more perfect than ours, yet understand the pain of losing a child, is a dear gift. I am especially reminded of several precious women in my life this week, as they are going on a month without being able to hold their babies on earth. Last year at this time, I knew of only a few Hope Mommies. To date, I know of about one hundred. It breaks my heart to meet new Hope Mommies, but I am grateful to God for allowing our paths to intertwine. My Hope Mommy friends are priceless jewels.

5th

2011-11-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for three special fur babies (cat and two dogs) in our life. There are many days that no matter how stressful or bad it has been, Henri, Luke and Rusty can make me smile. In fact, I can't be with them without smiling. Fur babies have a way of doing that.

Chet calls them spoiled, I call them deserving. ;) We both love them like family!

The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel. Proverbs 12:10

4th

2011-11-04T13:25:00.000-05:00

Photo taken last July, at my shower for Holden.

Each day I am so grateful for the gift of my relationship with my twin. Charys and I are closer than just sisters. I look forward to my daily chats with Charys, because oftentimes they are the best part of my day. We share every little mundane detail of our lives with each other.

Charys is the most giving, talented, creative, loving, caring, compassionate human I have ever met. She is a beautiful friend, sister, wife, mother and auntie. She will do literally anything to help everyone (to a point that I sometimes get aggrevated with her). I sometimes (okay a lot of times) feel a tinge of jealousy towards her; she is great at everything. Gosh am I blessed to call her my sister.

She is a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart, and that love is so evident in everything she does.

Sis, today I am thankful for you!

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Proverbs 31:29

2nd and 3rd

2011-11-03T09:24:00.003-05:00

2nd:
I didn't get a chance to blog last night, but I was so thankful for a warm home. I know I am one of the blessed few on earth that get to live in a home with central heating and air, and always enjoy a comfy temperature. With Texas' bipolar weather (30's this morning), I love knowing I will fall asleep and wake up in my warm home.

3rd:
Today I am thankful for three blessings in my life who I would not be here without: 1. The Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God who came as a sinless and perfect man and willingly died to pardon my sins and give me eternal life. He gives me health, life, happiness and everything I have. 2. My husband...I never fathomed growing up that I would be lucky enough to be married to someone I truly cannot imagine living without. 3. My close friends and family. They are such a gift.

How great is God—beyond our understanding! Job 36:26

November's reminders

2011-11-01T22:16:00.001-05:00

November 1

I know a lot of people post something they are thankful for each day of November. I haven't ever jumped on the train myself, but I think it's always important to be reminded of things we are grateful for, so here goes.

This might be especially good since I can't seem to keep up with blogging much lately; I am hoping to get a moment to write down at least one thing I am thankful for each day this month.

Today I couldn't stop thinking of how thankful I am for my two children. They have changed who I am, and I think will continue to change me all of my life.

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him. Psalm 127:3

Pampered Chef Party

2011-10-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

Pampered Chef Party

+ Tuesday + November 1^st+ 6:00pm

Sarah’s House
4301 Lubbock Avenue, Snyder

Eat, fellowship and enjoy a cooking demo!

All sales commissions go to Holden Uganda!

Finish your Christmas shopping early, while providing the life-saving gift of clean water.

If you can’t make the party, and still want to shop, please visit www.pamperedchef.biz/brookecoffman
Click “Shop Online”, enter “Holden” as first name and “Uganda” as last name

Email

2011-10-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

It was just discovered that our google mail server for Holden Uganda had not been delivering all of our emails from about October 1st-October 23rd. If you emailed us and did not receive an answer, PLEASE forward your email again. I am terribly sorry for this inconvenience, but we do not want to miss your important emails. Contact Sarah at sarah@holdenuganda.org, Chet at chet@holdenuganda.org, Kara at kara@holdenuganda.org, Darci at darci@holdenuganda.org and JD at jd@holdenuganda.org. Thank you very much!

This month has been so busy around here that it took me a while to figure out this email problem. I really just thought that October was a slow contact month, and that my emails would pick back up in November. I am so embarrassed to admit that!

We have been going absolutely non-stop for weeks, so I am looking forward to a quieter upcoming weekend...I hope! October is always one of our craziest months, but adding quite a few extra things this month has made it fly by. I am hoping this next Saturday will be one that we can enjoy the best weather West Texas has to offer and have a peaceful, quiet day!

One of the highlights of our month was celebrating our nephew Kayson's 5th birthday last weekend. Here is a photo of the darling (I mean fierce) pirate and his little pirate brother.

Please write us and we will write you back! Sorry again for the inconvenience.

For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Psalm 107:9

Treasure

2011-10-13T20:02:00.003-05:00

My heart has been so heavy for several new Hope Families I have met and/or learned about recently. I know our Savior has walked each and every step ahead of them. I know He has prepared their lives perfectly. I know He created each Hope Baby perfectly and without any mistakes. I know His plans for their lives are infinitely more perfect than we could imagine. I know the Hope Babies are in His very presence.

I know this, but I still ache for the many new families who walk this journey. Please join in me praying for very precious families who have said goodbye to their babies this week. They need peace and comfort and healing physically and emotionally.

A year ago, the beautiful little girl, Gwendolyn Hope, whose life inspired Hope Mommies was someone her parents waited expectantly to meet. What humungous plans God had for her life! After weeks like these, I feel amazingly blessed that God has allowed Hope Mommies everywhere to reach out and share love with others. If you are interested in encouraging women (and families) through this beautiful ministry, please visit Hope Mommies online.

This evening, as I thank God for new life and His redemption in our lives, I also thank Him for allowing us to focus more on where our treasure should be. I have learned much about real treasure.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34

Scriptures for Hope Mommies

2011-10-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

Some Hope Mommies friends and I compiled a list of Scriptures for anyone who is facing a difficult situation. They are especially hopeful to a family experiencing the death of a child. They are listed in order they appear in the Bible. Please feel free to share!

Numbers 6:24-25 The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;

1 Samuel 1:27-28 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.

Psalm 18:5-6,17-19 The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 91:11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Psalm 21:6 Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

Psalm 23 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 33:20-22 We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 139:16-17 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 143:8,10 Be still and know that I am God. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Teach me to do your will for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Do not lean on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

Isaiah 35:10 Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.

Isaiah 40:31 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 43:7 …everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 65:17-20,23 Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever is what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years for they wll be a people blessed by the Lord, they and their descendants with them.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 31:13b I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Lamentations 3:22 (and all of chapter 3) Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

John 14:2-4 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (and all of Romans 8)

Romans 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 2:9 However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”the things God has prepared for those who love him.

1 Corinthians 15:54-55 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory." “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

1 Peter 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Revelation 21:4-6 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.

Revelation 22:5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

October update

2011-10-02T18:48:00.001-05:00

I noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. For sure a big part of why I have blogged less is because we haven't taken any pictures recently, and I have been in bed as early as I can possibly make it there every night for the last couple of months. I am thankful for the fact that being tired means a baby is growing [hopefully healthy] inside of me; I forgot how sleepy pregnancy can make someone. My energy is slowly coming back to me this week though, and I have even made it through some late-night movies with Chet without dozing off.

Yesterday was Chet's 29th birthday. Although it is his last year in the twenties, we are definitely already getting old, because we enjoyed the opportunity to do nothing but watch college football all day. I realize each day that I love Chet more and more...and each day I don't think it's possible to love him anymore than I do. I am such a blessed girl to be lucky enough to wake up every day to my best friend and rock.

I am liking the slightly cooler weather and look forward to this season. Fall was blurry last year, so I am going to try to enjoy it more this time around.

A photo of our blessing #2 ("Gummy Bear") taken on 9/26

They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty - and I will meditate on your wonderful works. Psalm 145:5

Shuffield Photography/1 Year Celebration

2011-09-22T17:55:00.001-05:00

Most of y'all know that I have the most amazing "parents" who have stepped into my life, Tisha and Jim Shuffield. Well, they are also some of the best photographers in the entire country, so we are super lucky to get them to capture all of the special events in our life.

PLEASE check out Shuffield Photography. It'll make you want to run to the mall, pick out some cute outfits and get your family Christmas card pics taken! Or maybe even renew your vows so you can have an awesome wedding pic like this one!

Reid was the speaker at the celebration, and the Lord spoke through him. It was so refreshing and perfect.

My concentration face isn't pretty... ;)

This talented (and gorgeous) young lady, Beth, sang Blessings for us

Stormy

Amber and other friends

Lauren

Again, I don't chew tobacco...I just look that way when I write apparently

My handsome man and best Daddy I know!

Rebecca, baby Trevor and Billy

Riley

Casey, who also played the piano brilliantly

Taren

Kasey

Vanessa

Peanut strutting her stuff

Sweet Pea

About to release balloons (notice the rain let up just in time to create a gorgeous sky)

These ladies (hostesses for the evening) are so precious, I have no words

Kara planned the entire celebration...what a dear friend...

My twin and me, who also happens to be everything in a sister, and more, that I could ever ask for

Tisha Shuffield looks more like a sister than a mom. I know.

Garrett

Riley

My sweet family

The LORD appeared to us in the past saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

Big Brother

2011-09-18T17:53:00.000-05:00

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
Jeremiah 1:5

Lord willing, we will meet this little person in March.

All things

2011-09-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

(designed by Freely Me Designs)

Our dearest friends and family created and gathered for the most wonderfully beautiful celebration last night. It was a celebration about what God has done in the last 13 months.

For me, it was the most healing moment I have experienced in my life, and certainly within this year.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (vs. 18) For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (vs. 24-25) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (vs. 28-29) ) For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (vs. 38-39) [emphasis mine]

Romans 8 has carried us through this year, and Reid's message emphasized it last night. Trusting God to work all for the good is such a powerful thing. We know Holden Uganda is just getting started, and what a BLESSING it is to be a part of it.

The evening consisted of friends and family, smiles and laughs, a breath-taking setting (my sister and friends are ridiculously talented decorators), delicious food (my friends also happen to be amazing chefs), a message from God's word from Reid, prayers, a beautiful video timeline of our family created by Kara, songs played by Casey and sung by Lauren and Beth that gave me tears and chills, striking canvases of all the wells dedicated to Hope Babies from Shuffield Photography, and a sunset balloon release. (The rain let up just in time.) Chet and I got home and we both agreed that it was the perfect celebration of this season in our lives.

I have again realized there is nothing we can do to adequately thank the friends and family we have who have carried us and loved us in such a tremendous way through this season. Our circle of loved ones is the epitome of Christ's love towards us.

Looking forward to posting photos of the evening soon!

North Carolina in photographs

2011-08-30T21:11:00.001-05:00

As I sat down to write this blog, I realized I cannot really put into words how wonderful North Carolina was to our hearts. I should have pulled the camera out in the airplane as we were landing to show my fellow Texans what the color green looks like on land. From that point on North Carolina had already captured my heart.

When we decided to leave our hometown during Holden's birthday week and actual birthday, I was a little apprehensive about what that would mean. What this week ended up being was an amazing testimony of how God orchestrates every detail when His children work together around the world. I cannot possibly imagine a better way to celebrate the life God gave us a year ago.

I always look through photos of a trip and wish I had taken more. Here are a few that we did get.

I don't have a photo of Whitney and I together, but I think someone took one of us. She allowed us to take her [brand new] car all weekend, which was a tremendous blessing. Just like she is.

Chet and I stopped to eat at "Elijah's" for our first dinner in NC. We enjoyed a romantic boardwalk stroll together.

Of course I had to take a photo of the "Henrietta III". :)

Our first day on the beach. We didn't realize we would want to swim until we arrived. We hurried back to the hotel and grabbed swimsuits and spent the whole day there after dipping our feet in the fabulous waves. The water was warm and perfect for body surfing!

Definitely recommend Wrightsville Beach!

My dear friend Ashley suggested "The Bridgetender" restaurant for a date night. We made reservations and I am so glad we did. It was lightly sprinkling, but still warm in the high 80's. It was a perfect date night. This is the bridge lifting up for a sailboat to pass under.

The views were amazing all evening. I felt like I was in a book.

Sunset...it took me a few minutes to realize why the "sun" wasn't setting on the water. I haven't been to the East Coast in a while...ha!! ;) Chet liked to give me a hard time about that the whole trip.

Before we left Wilmington, Chet wanted to visit the USS North Carolina battleship. It was HUGE, awesome and sobering. I felt a little queasy being underneath the very warm (easily 100+ degrees) diesel-smelling decks for the two-hour tour; but made me even more grateful for the soldiers who were willing to spend a year onboard. (By the way, a sign below deck said it was over 135 degrees while they were working - and fighting in battle - in the engine and boiler rooms, day in day out. Freedom isn't free.)

We left Wilmington and headed to Fayetteville on Friday afternoon, before "Hurricane Irene" made landfall. The very difficult decision was made to cancel the race, as race support (porta-potties, etc.) pulled out on us and made it impossible to hold a race. The safety of participants and volunteers was too important to continue with the original plans. This was a lessen in God's plans being greater than ours. It was an emotional decision, after Amy and her team had spent the last 6 months planning every detail to host the perfect race. Doors were opened though, and we were graciously offered a room at the Marson's home church to gather on race morning. The event turned out wonderful and we met the most precious people. The children were so sweet I am getting teary-eyed just remembering them all...they gave us handmade cards, notes, hugs and the kindest words. Wow. Amy and I agreed that not all races are physical, and we learned another lesson that we are to endure difficult spiritual and emotional races in life. It was so fitting to what this past year has been, maybe even more than a physical race.
God is good.

My RUNNING PARTNERS from Snyder braved the hurricane and joined us for the weekend. It meant SO much to me that they did.

Amy, in her gift of hospitality, made every.single.detail about our stay with their family above and beyond. This is part of the reason it has taken me so long to write about this weekend. Her love was and is overwhelming to me. She is sisters with one of my dearest friends here in Snyder, and I can honestly say I thank the Lord for their friendship daily.

Look at these COOKIES!! Each day we walked into "our" bedroom filled with such love like this.

Both of our race bibs were #28 and we had a photo of our son next to our bed.

Ugandan keychain and necklace with Holden's birthstone. Such love.

Breath-taking details.

Because of the races all around the country, spurred on by the race in Fayetteville, Amy's dream to help the most innocent, beautiful babies in Kampala will soon be under way. Hearing of Amy's time in Uganda, especially the baby orphanage, gave such purpose to Holden's life on his birthday. I knew exactly what God had in store for this day before Holden was ever created.

We do not have a "grand total" for the races yet, which is a wonderful "problem" to have, because donations are still coming in. I KNOW that next time Amy visits Uganda, she will get to kiss those beautiful little faces and see how healthy their lives are because of the clean water they will have to mix in their formula and take baths in.

I find it a little strange that a piece of my heart lives in a country I have never even traveled to yet. Maybe it's because our son's life has such meaning there. It has taken a lot of growing this past year to understand the intricate plans God has laid out. As soon as I land on Ugandan soil, I will be taking the first ride I can get to this orphanage. I want to tell those babies how much they are loved.

2011-08-30T11:01:00.001-05:00

Dear Holden,

How has a year gone by? How has it been a year since we gave you your last kisses on earth? I didn't know how we could live one day after you went to heaven a year ago. I didn't know what today would look like at all.

We miss you so much. It has taken me a couple of days to write your birthday letter, because I have not been able to put into words what I feel. I simply miss you.

By God's unfailing faithfulness towards us, we have made it here today. We haven't only existed until today, we have found joy and purpose in your life.

For your birthday, there will be a deep well drilled at an orphanage in Kampala. Hundreds of people helped support runs on your birthday weekend that has allowed this to be possible. I remember thinking of how we would plan the 'best birthday party' for you a year ago. I know you see this is a much better birthday present. Your birthday has more purpose than I could have imagined. We will meet those babies one day and tell them about you.

Happy Birthday to our sweet son. We couldn't ask God for you to be here with us today. We love you too much for that.

Until that day when we will no longer count by days and years....we love you more than we ever have.

~Daddy & Mommy

North Carolina, Hurricane Irene, Running for WATER

2011-08-24T21:14:00.000-05:00

The second we spotted the lush North Carolina countryside in our plane's window, I was ecstatic and a little emotional.

Everything is so gorgeously green here. Maybe I have been in dry, drought-stricken West Texas for too long, but seriously...it's GREEN.

There is WATER everywhere! It's a PERFECT setting for a run that is all about clean water!

The Holden Uganda Family 5K Run/Walk officially kicks off three mornings from now. I cannot believe it's actually here. Our run coordinator, Amy M., has worked tirelessly for 6 months on this run. She has a team of people who literally give me goosebumps. They are all unselfishly working for the Kingdom- praying, giving, dedicating their time, etc. I absolutely cannot wait to hear of the grand total the runs here, in Snyder, Michigan, Colorado and Arkansas. What a perfect way to celebrate Holden's life in heaven: building at least several water wells!! (Teams in each of those other locations are also working tirelessly for the Kingdom. It almost makes me dizzy to think about!) Get ready to learn of all this soon!

Some of our trip highlights thus far:
We made our connecting flight in Dallas, although there were certainly doubts and some practice running required.
Our luggage wasn't so lucky.
My dear friend Whitney met us at the airport and has allowed us to borrow her car all weekend. I loved our [too short] convo and look forward to more this week.
Not having any plans for today and tomorrow, so leisurely driving through the historic towns with my handsome man all the way to Wilmington. Hunger pains made us speed up a little...
After eating a 6am breakfast and getting to skip lunch, (see connecting flight above), we found a very yummy place called "Elijah's" on Cape Fear. Fresh seafood and sunset on the water is hard to beat.
Chet enjoyed some ice cream from a little place off the boardwalk. He said it was some of the best he's ever had, but I think that could be due to jet lag. It was the cutest quaint little shoppe though, and it made me wish (for the hundredth time) that I liked ice cream.
The Smiths rescued our stranded luggage on their way into Raleigh. I am forever grateful for the toothbrush and everything else my bag contains.
Hurricane Irene has made more of an impact on our friends back in Texas than people here. I assure you we are safe and sound. The locals haven't mentioned it once. The weather is calm and pleasant. We are not staying in a high danger town. We will be off the beach when it hits. Anddd... the race is safely inland (Fayetteville).
Chet's theory is that we should appreciate getting to experience rain! :)
We happen to serve the One who creates hurricanes, so this race is protected.
We brought our Canon camera with us, so hopefully we will have good documentation of this experience. I will post the tons of photos when we get back to Texas next week!

I can't imagine writing today without mentioning that today is the one year marker that Holden's friend Reese has been living in perfect Glory. I have thought non-stop about Reese, Reese's family, and what kind of profound impact she and her mommy Mary Beth have made on my life, and thousands of other lives. Reese and Holden share a heavenly birthday week, which makes me believe there is a humungous celebration going on right now.
Happy Birthday beautiful girl. I am glad I have eternity to learn about you one day.

Chet and I realize we would never have boarded the plane this morning, had our life not taken this path. This trip is quite bittersweet, although more sweet than bitter. It is a picture of how GREAT and TENDER God's love for us is. I stand amazed.

Lifesong

2011-08-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

Today I had a really long list I wanted (need) to accomplish, which means I turned to Facebook to avoid starting on it. I am good at that.

I saw that Chelsea had posted four blogs today, and knew I had to read them, since her heart for God is life-changing. As I opened up her blog, the song Lifesong by Casting Crowns was playing. If you are ever wanting to know how to make your Lifesong sing to the King...check out her ministry.

Birthday Planning!

2011-08-15T18:37:00.003-05:00

We are in full swing of birthday planning!

This birthday celebration does not involve two cakes, balloons or wrapped toys. But it does have thousands of laughing, beautiful, precious children...who can celebrate more happy birthdays!!!

We couldn't imagine a better way to celebrate Holden's birthday weekend than to be given the awesome opportunity to allow children make it to more of their birthdays!! Can you?

The Holden Uganda 5Ks are coming up...and it isn't about running or walking at all. It's about birthdays. Can you please help us help cutie pies like this little one make it to their next birthdays?

That is one more day to learn about Jesus. One more day to know that He loves them so very much.

They also will answer, 'Lord when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'" Matthew 25:44-45

Change

2011-08-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

I think people (myself included) use the term "life-changing" too loosely. There were many events in my life up until last year that I called life-changing.

I finally understand what a life-altering kind of change means. A few mornings ago as I was getting ready for work, my mind wandered to the girl I was a year ago. My walk with the Lord was lukewarm, Chet and I had a good (or we thought good) marriage; our life was just what we wanted. I was selfish. If you would have mentioned other people's problems and pains to me, I would have thought about it, prayed [genuinely] for them, and likely forgotten about it a few days later. I can even think of many senseless things I said and did when people around me were grieving. (I have to remind myself of this when I am encountered by an insensitive or perceived rude person. I believe without knowing pain, it is almost impossible to empathize with or understand it; I too was that insensitive person at one time.)

If Holden would have stayed with us, who knows what kind of hearts, life and family we would have.

I can say that although I have fought it many times year, I believe God's plan for us is loving. He placed our son in His presence, and allowed us to truly "break our hearts for what breaks His".

Will I understand why we want(ed) to be parents so very badly, yet happen to be the only couple in our close circle of friends without children on earth?
No.
Will I ever understand the events leading up to Holden's passing?
No.
Will I ever understand why a healthy baby can just die?
No.
Will I understand why that baby was our baby?
No.

Do I have to understand?
No.

Even David asked God if His faithfulness extended to the grave (Psalm 88, specifically verse 11). He answered that in Psalm 89.

Nearly a year has come and gone. Although a lifetime away from perfect, I am grateful for my changed heart. I believe I can finally grieve for what grieves God. Chet and I both agree that our marriage has never been stronger. My walk with Christ is so much more vibrant and real. When I have pushed Him away and wanted to do anything on Earth rather than pray, He has pursued my heart.

We were given a gift in our firstborn son. I hope there never comes a day that we forget what God has done for us through the gift of Holden's life.

I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself. Psalm 89:2

lights of this world

2011-08-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

Just 17 days until the Holden Uganda Races.
Just 18 days until Holden's first birthday.

We want happiness and joy on Holden's birthday weekend, as that is all our son knows. We already have joy knowing about all the amazing people coming together across the world to run in and support these races. They are ultimately digging wells of water that will allow people to have the amazing privilege of clean water.

It is a feeling I cannot describe to be a part of so much love and hope.

...among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Philippians 2:15b-16 (Emphasis mine)

The Run. Snyder Edition.

2011-08-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

Holden Uganda

5K Family Fun Run/Walk

Snyder, Texas

Saturday, August 27th, 9am

Prairie Dog Town in Towle Park

Online Registration - $20

www.holdenuganda.org/events

Registration on the day of the race:

Pavilion in Towle Park - $25

Registration fee includes a Holden Uganda run t-shirt.

Lace up your shoes, bring your whole family,

and provide life-saving water!

www.holdenuganda.org

Turning the page

2011-07-27T18:41:00.000-05:00

Chet and I cleaned up Holden's grave site this week, and discussed how unreal it is that we are nearly a year away from last August. Holden's site is still a mound of dirt, thanks to our dry summer, so it did not feel as though a year had passed there.

A year ago seems so far away in words; in reality, I will be turning my calendar to August in less than a week. I can't look back on this year without thanking the Lord for his provision.

Tomorrow will be 11 months since we loaded up in the car, excited to meet our son. Tomorrow will be 11 months since God chose the perfect plan for our family.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel about August. As I stood at Holden's grave, I felt as though we should be somewhere else in our life by now. But I am slowly realizing we are exactly where we need to be. I am trying to be content in all things.

I think about the thousands of people in Uganda I would not know anything about, had God not called Holden home. I think about the work He has done in Chet and I as a couple, and as possible future parents. I am still humbled by it all when I think about it.

I don't have to ask why anymore. I can be content with His work in our lives.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and He will establish your plans. Proverbs 16:3

38 days

2011-07-19T20:38:00.002-05:00

Just 38 days until our first ever Holden Uganda Run in Fayetteville, NC!! If you have any friends or family in the North Carolina area, PLEASE let them know about this opportunity to get active and help others! There will be so much fun stuff at the run, please come out even if you're not a runner!

Whenever I get a little tired or exhausted, I just remember my friends halfway across the world, and remember why the Lord has blessed HUF immensely.

He loves them so very, very much. And so do we!

Please join us ...or join a team ...or start your own team!

My personal goal is to build a whole well!

http://www.active.com/donate/holdenuganda/sarahsteam

Chet and I took our first run together this summer earlier. Whew. So we might be huffing and puffing in last place, but we have 100 degree heat to contest with in our training, ya know. ;) I also happen to think every person who participates is truly a winner (cliche eh?), because every person is helping to provide life-giving water to precious neighbors across the world.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?

Run in such a way as to get the prize. 1 Corinthians 9:24

Love God. Love People. It's simple.
Let's have fun! Let's RUN! Let's "get the prize".

28

2011-07-18T12:01:00.000-05:00

I am 28 today. That is really close to 30, but since I have been telling people I'm nearly 30 for a couple of years now, I guess it's not all that bad.

Chet asked a couple of my sweet friends to join us for a birthday dinner this Saturday. I loved getting to catch up with Stormy & James Allen and Kara (they all live out of town)! Chet's parents came over for a bit yesterday after church, so I have had an extended birthday. I woke up to a LOT of birthday wishes! I am BLESSED!

I think it has hit me that I am not exactly where I thought I would be at this age in my life. Good thing God knows what is best though...it really does take pain to reveal joy. The number 28 has an obvious special meaning to me, so I look forward to His perfect plans this year in my life.

Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Psalm 86:11-13

Done!

2011-07-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

My summer program at work is over! I love my job and the summer program, but my routine gets a little backed up for 6 weeks. My life should start normalizing again, which means I will be answering your emails and questions regarding HUF soon. Thank you for your patience with me. :)

It is almost noon. I am still in pajamas. In bed. With a cup of coffee and my trusty laptop. This might be what I look like at 6:00pm too.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

a must read

2011-06-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

Erin, a beautiful post.
Thank you.
I am going to be more grateful for all of the lollipops that fill my hands today.

Summertime

2011-06-27T21:11:00.000-05:00

10 months closer to you, precious baby boy. Thank you Erin for sending such love. It is appreciated through and through.

Summer in the Erwin household 2011 looks something like this:

Leave my house for work early in the morning and get back late in the evening.
See Chet rarely, as he works on sprinkler systems in the evening, so he works late too.
It's hot.
Try to give our poor dogs attention in the evenings, as they sit out in the heat all day missing us.
Laundry is piled high.
It's hot.
My email inbox scares me. Like I literally dread opening it, as I debate with myself what the time frame is before it is considered downright rude to not answer someone.
I thank God for my Keurig. It helps me get my tired body out of bed each morning.
It's hot. I am beginning to retract all my statements about summer being my favorite season. I said that before summer 2011.
Baby showers and wedding showers and weddings fill our weekends! I think it's interesting that I never have any baby showers during the fall or winter? I wonder why that is?
I feel older. It's weird. I know I have a summer birthday, but I actually feel physically older.
I think about how this summer is not what I was picturing for us this summer, but thankful for how many blessings we have each day.

Chet is so patient with me lately. I am beyond thankful for the fact that I can walk in the house and find him folding laundry...and open a decently-ish stocked fridge (he's a guy, so that might mean only milk and cheese, but hey there is something there). He even treats me to a massage most nights and I know he is tired from a long day himself. It has only taken four summers of me working the summer program for him to get this. ;)

My favorite holiday of the year is next weekend. We are hoping to spend it with our sweet friends the Shields in San Angelo.

I still cannot believe how fast (and sometimes slow) time has gone by this year. I am grateful that our son has been able to spend every day for 10 months with Jesus. And every day forever.

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.

Psalm 33:11

28 Things you CAN/SHOULD do for a Hope Family:

2011-06-16T18:56:00.004-05:00

After losing Holden, I was blown away by the amount of love, support and grace we were shown. It has been almost 10 months since we lost our son, but I still get goose bumps when I remember the love. It is humbling to say the least.

Recently I asked 84 other Hope Mommies to share some positive things they remember people doing for them, and they helped me compile this list.

I hope that you never have to do this for someone, as that means they have lost their precious baby. I hope that you don’t even have to continue reading this. But if you happen to be a friend or family member of someone who is experiencing the loss of a child, please read the following. It will empower you to help in a meaningful way, in a situation that seems hopeless.

These things are not in a particular order of importance; rather they are listed in the order the other Hope Mommies sent them to me.

1. Dinners/Meals: Grieving parents can barely get out of bed, much less cook a meal. Freezable meals (in freezable containers) are especially helpful, so that they can be eaten when needed. If the parents haven’t made it back from the hospital yet, stocking their fridge/freezer with food is wonderful.

An important note to this is that oftentimes it is best to just leave food at the door, especially during the first week or two. This is a time that is unbearably difficult, and the stress of conversation and “putting on a face” is very difficult. You may need to remind elderly friends of this if you are scheduling meals, as they are more likely to sit for hours on end.

2. Scheduling meals: Oftentimes knowing that something, anything is routine is nice. This is especially good if the family has other children, since they still need “normalcy”.

3. Restaurant gift cards: These can be used whenever and are extremely thoughtful.

4. Gifts for other siblings: Other siblings usually get very ignored; during a time they need even more attention. Please remember them when you are visiting at the hospital too.

5. Cards and letters: Sending a written note can make a huge difference in a grieving person’s day. Random notes, after most people have stopped sending them, are extremely important. The cards that come, after the rest stop coming, are sometimes the ones that mean the most.

6. Pray: Truly praying, not just saying so, is life changing. Grieving families so desperately need prayer.

7. Verses of comfort and hope: Sending positive Scripture is encouraging and are the Words that can provide real peace.

8. Plant flowers: Fresh flowers/plants from funeral services die, but plants in a flowerpot or flowerbed, it will provide more lasting beauty.

9. Trees: Planting or sending a tree in the loved one’s honor is a long-lasting gift. We were sent a tree to plant in our yard in memory of Holden, and some have had trees planted in gardens and parks in memory of their babies.

10. Ask about Dad/remember him: Sometimes the Hope Mommy gets all the attention, when the Hope Daddy is hurting just as much.

11. Say the child’s name: Grieving parents absolutely ache to hear their child’s name. PLEASE remember to use his/her name in every conversation you have with them about their child. Just as your child has a name, so does the Hope Baby. Do not ever assume the parents don’t want a reminder of their baby’s name. They will never forget their babies, but rather LOVE to hear you remember and talk about them!

12. Care for other children: Sometimes having some alone time is priceless. Offer to babysit when a lot of visitors are over too. One Hope Mommy had a friend take her other children for a few hours and gave her a Barnes & Nobles gift card. She had instructions to pick something out for herself and get some alone reading time in.

13. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep/Photographers: If it is still early, let parents know about NILMDTS and other organizations that capture a baby’s memory, free of charge. The photos we were given by Shuffield Photography, captured our son forever on earth.

14. Drive: Offer to drive the Hope Family to and from the funeral service(s). It is relieving to have a chauffer, instead of focusing on driving in extreme pain.

15. Clean: Offer to clean and/or hire a cleaning service for an amount of time. After the intense tragedy of losing a child, it is nearly impossible to get motivated to clean. Several Hope Mommies have hugely benefitted from a cleaning service for a couple of months. This is a gift that several people (i.e. church family/work friends) can all pitch in to provide.

Another spin on this is to clean the whole house before the family gets back from the hospital, including placing clean sheets on the bed. This makes home a little more pleasant.

16. Grocery Shop: Most Hope Mommies are too exhausted physically and emotionally to shop. Something extra special is just dropping groceries off at the door without even offering to go. It is hard for a lot of people to take up offers, even if they want it, since they don’t want to be a burden.

17. Jewelry: Some of the most precious pieces of jewelry Hope Mommies own are those with their babies initials, pictures, birthstones or names on them. This is a gift that makes a Hope Mommy feel as though her baby is “real”, loved and cared for by the giver.

18. Knitted/handmade gifts: One Hope Mommy was given a gift that her knitting friends all passed around and knitted for her. Each mom knitted a part of it for her.

19. Texts: Lengthy phone conversations take too much energy sometimes, so a simple text to say hello and share love is a great reminder of care.

20. Activities for other siblings: A museum membership or movie gift cards are a way to give a gift that allows the family to do something together.

21. Send the parents on a getaway: This is a big gift (may need to have a few people pitch in), but it’s so helpful and amazingly refreshing. Our friends sent us on a weekend getaway to Ruidoso, which was healing and beautiful for our marriage.

22. Pay funeral expenses: The last thing anyone expects when expecting, is to pay for their child’s funeral. It adds the worst burden to pain.

23. Anything to hold or see with the Hope Baby’s name on it: Teddy bears (Molly Bears), frames, jewelry (as stated above), etc. are so meaningful. I had a friend tag a picture of a “Holden Street” sign, which was exactly what I needed that day. Random reminders of our babies’ names are sweet to our hearts.

24. Acknowledge at dedications: Baby dedications at church are such a painful time for Hope Families. Acknowledging a Hope Baby is precious and meaningful. Many Hope Mommies shared that this made the day a lot more bearable.

25. Remember Hope Babies at holidays: Holidays (especially the first year) are obviously extra difficult. Don’t breach the subject, but rather say the baby’s name and remember that Hope Mommies and Daddies are struggling. A Christmas ornament with the Hope Baby’s name engraved on it, or an Easter egg with the Hope Baby’s name are precious gifts.

26. Help with thank you cards: My mom sat for hours writing thank you cards with me. We were able to talk, cry and laugh together during this time. It also relieved a huge burden since there are so many thank you cards to write.

27. Paintings and scrapbooks: These “labors of love” are incredibly thoughtful and cherished.

28. Give in their honor: A gift to a charity in the Hope Baby’s honor is a way for their legacy to live on.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:24

Email

2011-06-10T17:21:00.001-05:00

Because we have moved Holden Uganda to a new server, we have had to move our HUF email system as well. This has caused most of my emails to be a big mess! In fact, I have lost about 30+ emails (maybe more, since I do not know the full extent of damage), so please let me know if I haven't written you. Just send me another email if you haven't heard from me. I am very sorry and would hate to miss your email!

sarah@holdenuganda.org

Thank you!

Our summer program has started at work, so I am working more than usual. This may slow down my response time a little, but please know I am not ignoring you!!

CHECK IT OUT!

2011-06-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

Holden Uganda has a new look! Check it out!

RUN FOR WATER

2011-06-05T11:58:00.002-05:00

You can now REGISTER for the 5K Family Fun Run

in Fayetteville, North Carolina!!

9 months and other things

2011-05-31T22:15:00.001-05:00

What did we do this weekend?

Relax. :)

Yes, the sun was not out. I was sunbathing in the shade. It was 108 degrees, so I pretended I was getting a tan.

Chet and I spent our third anniversary early in Lubbock for the weekend. It was a wonderful little break from the many things we have going on. We even managed to not bring our laptop!

We spent Holden's ninth month in heaven in Lubbock. As always, time markers are bittersweet. For our second anniversary, we talked about it being our last one as "just us". It is still difficult for me to understand why the Lord made this our journey. It can be very easy to get the in the mindset of, "We love kids so much and would make better parents than so-and-so..." But I am quickly reminded that His plans are greater than our plans, a topic of discussion for us this weekend. I am really working on being thankful for this journey. Having joy restored and being thankful are two completely different things, I have learned. Kelly's ministry is something I meditate on each day, "Because your love is better than life [even the life of our son on earth], my lips will glorify you." Psalm 63:3

Freedom is not free. I was humbled to remember this yesterday. As Chet and I woke up next to each other, late for a day off work, I was reminded of why we could do that. I challenge anyone to google "fallen soldier". Then google the images to go along with that. I know that sounds morbid of me...but I believe we all need a [painful, stark and sadly real] reminder of what a BLESSING it is live in the United States of America. A thank you is definitely not enough. But it's a start. Do something for a fellow soldier today; he or she may die for you tomorrow.

The upcoming Holden Uganda 5K Family Fun Run/Walk in Fayetteville, North Carolina is going to be amazing!! Amy completely got me fired up about it, and I am SO glad we will have the registration page up on our website next week!! After hearing the many stories Amy shared about how God is orchestrating every little detail, I couldn't help but smile the whole night thinking about it all. I mean, there was a plan in Amy's life three years ago that was preparing her to lead this run! Alpha and Omega and everything in between.

I haven't thanked our dear friends in a while. I want to do that again and just tell you that love and support are priceless, and even more so when an earth shattering event happens. You have walked alongside us, even when it is a really awful burden to carry most of the time. We discussed the Church in Acts in our small group study this evening, and I kept thinking of you all. Thank you.

Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and will deliver us again. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:9-11

A Wife

2011-05-26T20:16:00.005-05:00

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give

all the wealth of one's house for love,

it would be utterly scorned.

Song of Solomon 8:7

I have had numerous reminders lately how much my husband does for us. It can become so easy for me to wallow in grief enough that I forget I am a wife. When Chet does not feel the same way as I do about something (especially really big decisions), I sadly leave him out of my little world. Several wise ladies I know have reminded me of my duties as a wife, even through grief. I am still a wife who is married to an amazing man. I am grateful for their boldness and willingness to admonish me.

God has given me the hugely important title of Chet's wife. I am not a "mother" right now, but I can be a wife. Of all my life decisions, second to following Christ, I definitely could not have been blessed with a better one than Chet. I'm really glad we said 'I do' three years ago.

We are heading to Lubbock Saturday and Sunday for an early anniversary, since my summer program starts at work on the 5th. I'm pretty stoked to get to spend the weekend away with my favorite person on earth!

I just got a good laugh going through old pictures of us. Wow. We are SO not photogenic...and my awkward stage was definitely extended into my early twenties. Ouch. :) I did manage to find this one of my good-looking stud from several years ago though (pre- jobs that require an absence of facial hair).

So much for ending this blog on the serious note it started out on. I better go help (or watch) my man build our new fence. I might even remind him of some of those lovely photos.

A cheerful heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22a

Same Time

2011-05-19T07:47:00.001-05:00

Call me a little crazy, because frankly I am a little crazy. I almost did not post this, because it can be read as coming from a depressed person. But it's not, I promise. :)

Today has been 38 weeks and 5 days since Holden went to heaven. That is the same amount of time we were given to carry and get to know our little guy. (Yes, I apparently have more time on my hands than I thought.)

It got me to thinking about why God chose 9 months gestation for babies to be created. It is the right amount of time, because He made it so. Think about it...9 months gives us time to prepare our hearts, minds, homes and families. 9 months gives us enough time to fall in love with someone we have never met, but it's not so long that we can't stand the wait any longer. It's perfect.

Our time with Holden was perfect. But even more perfect will be the time we have with him for all of eternity.

38 weeks 5 days later:
1. I am pre-pregnancy weight. Finally. I suppose I needed the same amount of time I took to gain it, to lose it. Now, things have certainly shifted and moved around...but the scale says the same thing. I take that shifting with a mostly happy heart; I am 're-shaped' because of my son. :) (Oh, and let's be honest...I have to weigh myself in the morning for it to be the same...but my goal was 9 months, and so I feel as though I've met that goal.)
2. Our home office is overrun with Holden Uganda stuff. We look like a Santa's workshop on steroids. It's pretty intense. I don't usually get self-conscience about my mess until someone comes and sees it. That moment happened on Tuesday night...it's time to spend a good weekend or two cleaning and re-organizing.
3. I still have bad days and good days. Grief is a mysterious thing. People who have lost any loved ones (parent, grandparent, friend, sibling, child) ache to be with them for as long as they are on earth. I still think of Holden every second of every day. When I see a Mommy hugging or kissing her baby, I wonder what Holden would be like at that moment. I miss those hugs and kisses.

God is good.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

Barber Shop

2011-05-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

Rusty and Luke went to the Doggie Barber Shop this week. They look totally ridiculous, but feel so much better in the 100+ temps (we think they do at least)! Rusty is STILL super shy about cameras, so we had to bribe them with a bag of treats. By photo attempt 600 (okay, maybe 60), Chet wasn't too thrilled to keep trying. :)

My sister posted this today and I have to share:

What if you woke up tomorrow with ONLY the people and things you thanked God for today?

The Day After

2011-05-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

Mother's Day was actually quite a normal day for me. A normal day these days includes a few awkward moments, a few bouts of strong emotion and a few tears. Other than that, I would actually say that thanks to the many caring, loving friends I have, I actually felt HAPPY yesterday. I was blessed with cards, letters, gifts and even a flower pot of Gerber daisies. :) I went to Kara's 4 year-old son's birthday party and stayed busy all day. I am so grateful that a day I was dreading could be filled with joy and love, and genuine laughter.

Thank you all for validating our son and allowing me to be his Mom.

I tried to sit down and write earlier today, but I knew if I was going to be honest with myself, it would end up being a really dreary post. I decided to wait a bit before bitterness took over my computer screen. Yesterday's busy schedule seemed to have pushed Mother's Day to today. It has been a bit of a 'post Mother's Day' bomb for me. I can certainly say that I am even more thankful than usual to serve the One who is in control. Today felt so out of control in every possible way, so to sit here and know He is in control has finally got my headache to ease up.

I have a few friends who reminded me of His goodness today. Thank you guys. I feel incredibly selfish after all the LOVE I have received over the past few days to even be writing these words.

I have learned that it is easier to face emotions than to smother them though; they usually find their way out. For any mom who is missing their child, Mother's Day, no matter how lovely and joyful in ways, still hurts. Chet wrote me a letter yesterday about why he didn't want to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day" and I think it was beautiful and perfect. He was mindful of the day and how joy can only be had because of our Savior. Most probably feel the "Happy" in their Mother's Day comes from mothering their children. To those of us without our children, happiness is a gift from God in a totally different way. It almost takes a little work...

Overall, the Healer has made this past week beautiful for me. I am blessed to call the most amazing mothers on earth my friends, and learn from them all daily.

I spent Friday with Tisha Shuffield, the person who became my "Mom" about 10 years ago. I also spent the day with my sister and her family. Charys is such an amazing Mommy, who I am simply overwhelmed to just watch interact with her two boys.

My mailbox received some special deliveries this week:

The Hope Mommies painting took my breath away. Erin, your heart reflects Him. Thank you for such a priceless gift. Every detail about this painting is perfect and I am so grateful to the very special friends who made it possible for me to receive one. Read about what the painting represents here.

A friend I have never met in person, only through Baby Center, sent me a gift I will cherish forever. She spent countless hours getting to know my son {tears} through drawing him for me. I stared at it for an hour and thought about how she captured the details I never want to forget. Thank you Hannah P. Beauty isn't even the word.

I sit here and think about the words of comfort so many friends have shared with me this week. The Comforter used my sweet friends to show me how GREAT and MASSIVE His care is. They proclaimed Philippians 2:1-4 to me.

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4

What is a mother without her baby?

2011-05-06T15:11:00.001-05:00

My dear friend Kelly wrote the most perfect blog. I didn't even know what to say about this upcoming Mother's Day. After reading this, I knew I could not write something better than what Kelly wrote. Please check it out: What is a Mother Without a Child?
Something Kelly forgot to write about though, is the fact that she is the "quiet behind-the-scenes" warrior for Holden Uganda and Hope Mommies. Pretty much anything technology-related and much of our public relations is done by Kelly.

I am spending today with the Shuffields and my sister and her family. I look forward to writing about the weekend soon.

Raising Dough

2011-05-02T23:21:00.002-05:00

Exhausted.

Nearly 28 year-olds should probably be warned about waiting tables. I once again respect wait staff even more, since it's been quite some time since I was waiting tables in college. Quite some time ago for these feet and back and legs and...

But I could be ten times more exhausted than this and still do it all over again, all night long, for the wonderful blessing Holden Uganda had at tonight's Pizza Inn Dough Raiser.

SO many friends (I would not dare name them by name, as I would hate to leave one out) came together to work their booties off tonight. SO MANY MORE came out to eat pizza, support and share love from their hearts.

For the past few days, Kara and I had a fun little bet going about who would raise the most tips waiting tables. Lauren Collier decided to join in on the fun, so it was ON between the three of us! Kelly was our online moderator and decided to join in on the fun too! :) Kelly ensured many online donations for the evening as well! What an amazing time with such generous hearts. Thank you all!

Oh yeah. And I won. :D

But the REAL winners are in Uganda. "Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me." ~Jesus

The total of funds raised was over $2,600. Our God is an Awesome God!

Other notes:

Chet and I have never been so behind on our part of Holden Uganda (receipts, thank yous, emails). I just want you all to know I promise you are not forgotten. We are going to spend the next few nights completely working on HUF this week. There are so many people to thank and write. My heart is filled to the brim. We are learning how to juggle our jobs, normal life, etc. while running HUF. Thank you for your kind patience in this!

The sweet people I have "met" through Baby Center have been unbelievable this week. Thank you all for making me feel like a Mommy.

Mother's Day is only a few days away. I had looked forward to this Mother's Day so much last year. My sister even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in 2010, making it my first Mother's Day gift. I do not really even know what I am feeling this week about Mother's Day. Sometimes it is so sad I block it out of my mind, but then sometimes I dwell on it so that I can dwell on God's goodness. He is always good.

You know what? Tonight was the first time I have enjoyed a game of pure fun to its fullness in 8 months.

This year, Erin sent me a lovely and thoughtful Mother's Day gift:

Closer

2011-04-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

Eight months away, but eight months closer to you, sweet son.

This is what Kara and I came home to, after leaving Chet with Jax (Kara's 8 month son):

It is incredibly bittersweet to me, because I know Chet is a wonderful Daddy. My heart was melted...I had been worried to leave them alone, but Chet stopped all work and cuddled.

Tonight I thank the Lord for binding up wounds, even if the salve hurts.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

New life

2011-04-24T22:30:00.002-05:00

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may have a new life. Romans 6:4

Holden,

I know you are always celebrating the HOPE of new life that Jesus has given us through salvation. What it must be like to celebrate with the Reason for our hope! Your Daddy and I wish you were here with us today, but we know you are in the best place of all. All day I thanked Jesus for giving us the promise of eternal life with you, sweet baby. It was difficult to drive by all the sweet children hunting eggs this morning, because I miss spending each special moment with you, not because I think you are missing these earthly activities.

We live for that Glorious Day! Happy 1st Easter son!

I love you sweetie,
Mommy

There has not been a time since Holden's birthday that I have been this refreshed. Easter reminded me again what a glorious, redemptive HOPE we have because of the Cross. I actually made it through most of today without crying...I know we will see our firstborn again, all because of the sacrifice made on the Cross. Thank you Jesus!

We spent yesterday (Erwin Easter) at Chet's parents house. Chet and the men in his family hauled rocks while the ladies talked and baked in the sun. I am definitely a little too pink today, but the sun felt so nice for a change. (I know I live in Texas where it's always sunny, but I just don't have time to get out in it at all!) Chet's brother got a bunny for his kids, and I think I liked it as much as they did. :) Meet Roger:

Church was a perfect way to start our Easter this morning. As we sang Christ is Risen, I thought about how much He has conquered death. I know I wouldn't have made it past the first verse without crying 8 months ago.

We had a wonderfully quiet lunch of pizza together (we may be the oddest couple, but I was would trade a stress free lunch for a fancy Easter meal any day). Then I convinced Chet to run to Wal-Mart for some plants, flowers and mulch to get rid of the "winter dead". 6 hours later, we are sore and sunburnt (even more), but finally have a pretty front yard!

The whole time we were planting, I thought about the last time our flower bed had been changed: We had returned home from the hospital after losing Holden to a flowerbed full of breathtakingly beautiful flowers. Our Sunday School class truly knew how to do something incredibly meaningful; they planted new life. I meditated about this a lot today, as I was sweating. They worked hard to give us bright, new life in our yard. It was very bittersweet to work on the flowerbed...Chet and I were both hit by these emotions as we worked.

Here are some photos, although I still need to work on some things. (i.e. Get new pillows for the bench one day, but I am not in a hurry, since it is really trivial in the scheme of people dying worldwide from malnutrition.)

And here's one from my iPhone of the lights working this evening:

New life is refreshing.

Thank you Jesus for your blessed promise. Happy Easter everyone!

Atoned

2011-04-19T21:54:00.001-05:00

See, my servant will act wisely; He will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. Just as there were many who were appalled at Him - His appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any human being and his form marred beyond human likeness. Isaiah 52:13-14

That is my Jesus. Marred beyond human likeness for me. For all of my sin. For all of my uncleanness. I get a little aggravated at the cross symbol, to be honest. It is used so casually. I have many crosses on the walls of my house, actually. As decor. I pass by them each day, not even caring to think about what they symbolize. I wear cross jewelry.

Yet, our Saviour wasn't even recognizable on that Cross.

Did He have to die? No.

He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross! Philippians 2:8

It is easy to wallow in my pride and selfishness. I can let grief overtake my life. I can be bitter and angry because my 8 month-old won't be celebrating Easter with us this year. Yet, as I go into Easter week, all I can think about is how God purposefully gave His PERFECT Son to die for me.

I had heard that you cannot understand the depth of God's love until becoming a parent. Since Holden's birthday, I have said it many times, but it especially resonates with my soul this week. I did not fully understand the depth of His love, until I had looked into my son's face. He sent His Son to die for us..for me...for all. He loves us more than I can put on paper.

I am doing a study on the Holy Spirit, and have felt a strong nudge to read the Bible through again. I have decided to start this week. As I remember the times I read the Bible from cover to cover, I know EVERY single word points to the Cross. It points to the reason we exist...the reason we even have a "why" to live.

I am humbled by His goodness. We hope because of that undeserved Atonement.

What a week to thank Him for abundant life.

Christ is Risen
by Matt Maher

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love

And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down

In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave

Family matters

2011-04-15T09:55:00.001-05:00

I can finally, oficially announce that I will be an auntie yet again!! My baby brother is having a little girl in September! :) Well, his beautiful wife, Charity, is! :) We are thrilled for them!! I have to include this photo (sorry if this is not okay with you bro...it's always more fun to beg forgiveness than ask permission) of the cutest couple:

Did you just roll your eyes? Because I did. I went through the dozens of stinkin' adorable photos they have, and I started to ask myself if I could really love a sister-in-law who is THAT pretty....lol. ;) [I tried to find one that wasn't so perfect, to no avail.] Then I knew, "Of course I can! She is just as pretty in the INSIDE!" I LOVE YOU CHARITY!

Won't my NIECE be amazing?!?! This will be my first NIECE, so I am stoked. All those adorable places like Couture Blessings, Marina's Monogramming, etc that I have always wanted to spend a fortune at...well now I can!

Chet is the baby of his family, which means that the nephews and niece we have on his side are it. No mas nephews and nieces from the Erwin side. (Unless we all are in for a big surprise one day ha!) My twin has two PRECIOUS sons, who are apples of my eyes, but their family is complete. So I now have to rely on Joel and Charity for any additional auntie surprises! :)

I look forward to 9-10-11 (or whenever God wants her to arrive) to hold and kiss my little niece.

Hope Mommies & Impending Mother's Day

2011-04-11T20:55:00.005-05:00

I suppose two blogs in one evening is quite a bit. Sorry.

But God knows what's best for His kids...and since I am one of them, He gave me a HUGE gift this evening that I think I need to share:

My "Prayer Partner" from Chicago just emailed me. This might seem insignificant, but the prayer ministry set up by Hope Mommies is truly unbelievable. There are people all over this globe, interceding for Hope Moms. Something Carla said was that I have a wonderful support system through our friends and family. She is so right! So much so, that I feel a little selfish to receive a Prayer Partner as amazing as Carla. I am truly blessed and beyond grateful for another person willing to take time out of her life to pray and love someone she has never met (me/us).

"pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16 (one of my favorite verses in the entire Bible)

I know a bad day can be changed by an act of kindness. Our youth pastor is leading a home study over the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I read the first couple of chapters last night and realized I all-to-often minimize the Holy Spirit in my life. My mind 'places' Him in a little box; one that has "human" boundaries. Our limitLESS Holy Spirit has once again given me Comfort through my new friend Carla.

Mother's Day is coming up, and I know it is a day that is bittersweet for all moms who have lost their children. Hope Mommies is offering a beautiful gift (that I was extremely privileged to preview) for those who would like a way to love and support a Hope Mom they know this May 8th. I was breathless when I saw the painting, and I know it will leave other Hope Moms feeling the same way. Erin shared this, "One special way we want to do this for you this year is for Mother's Day. A very talented and dear friend of mine has painted something beautiful, designed for us - it is the depiction of our story. I earnestly want each of you to have one! You can read more about the painting at http://hopemommies.org/products-page/mothers-day/."

PLEASE check out Hope Mommies and the POWERFUL ways this ministry is sharing His LOVE, PEACE and COMFORT.

We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers, remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ in the sight of our God and Father. 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

2011-04-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

I feel detached lately. I sometimes think deep pain is better than complete forgetfulness. I'm writing this blog from the cemetery. I'm sitting on a pile of dirt, where only a few feet under me lays the body of my child. I felt that I needed to come here to clear my head and pray. Kelly reminded me today that the Word is the only true comfort we can get, so here I sit about to read some Psalms. It's surreal to sit on top of ground that holds the body of your baby.

Is this a normal phase of healing? (What is normal any ways?)

I saw a pregnant friend yesterday and I thought to myself, "I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant?" The fact that I had been pregnant before mysteriously did not cross my mind the whole time I stared at my cute friend. Her belly and smile made me wonder how it must feel to anticipate a child and experience it's miraculous growth.

And that is why my wonderful day ended in tears last night. Maybe I am crazier than I thought I was? How is it that I can go three or four minutes without even the faintest feeling of remembering my pregnancy? I laid in bed and tried to remember the happiness of last year.

I would have gladly traded my usual "recoil a little at pregnancies-reaction", for the complete loss of memory I had yesterday. 7 1/2 months isn't even far away, yet I am having a really difficult time conjuring up the feelings I had just last year at this time. The memory of a baby kicking me almost seems like a far away dream.

Hmph. So I am basically just writing today to console my heart. To remind myself that I was pregnant. I did enjoy the ultrasounds, kicks, appetite, choosing a name, praying over someone only I could feel.

This weekend someone said that Chet and I are missing out on kids, and that we should have them. (Or something like that. I was lost at "they should have kids.") Thankfully, even though probably not the most wonderful thing to hear, it did make me grateful that I still have feelings and knee-jerk reactions to statements about our child(ren). I was relieved to be cognizant of my emotions. Being detached is far more aggravating than getting worked up over a thoughtless comment.

The Psalms already have me feeling better. This verse gave me peace: For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past. Psalm 90:4 I know our time on earth is such a blink in comparison with eternity.

My heart is lighter.

I truly do not know how people grieve without Jesus. Without our mighty Comforter, I would be am even bigger mess.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hungry

2011-04-07T21:33:00.000-05:00

My first thoughts as I read Luke 4 this evening, were that I was thankful for another reminder that our Savior came as a Man, who had the same feelings and emotions we do. I often make God out to be this "non-formative being" who is too different to really understand. But He felt hunger and thirst just like we do.

He was even tempted like us. The One who created Satan, was tempted by him. That is just how human He was.

Okay, as my coworkers know, I can barely go 40 minutes without snacking. You don't really want to be in contact with me if I am 8 hours from my last bite. I hate to admit this, but I am one of the only Christians I know who has never fasted. My kind of fasting are the hours between dinner and breakfast, and I never, ever skip breakfast.

Jesus did not eat for 40 days! After being as faint as anyone would be after not eating for 40 days, He was offered the entire world (on top of some food) if he would worship the devil. We all know Jesus did not worship the devil, even in the extremely weak condition He was in.

And then Jesus had to resist the devil as he tempted Him even more.

I read this passage several times tonight and thought about what kind of struggle that must have been. How easy would it have been to make a choice to eat? How about the choice to show off how powerful He was by jumping off the pinnacle?

This passage depicts what kind of strength we can draw from God. Jesus was born a human being. He understands our every thought, emotion and feeling. As much as it seems that He has forsaken me at times, I know He hasn't.

In my weakness, He is strong.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The littlest things

2011-04-06T06:05:00.000-05:00

That is the devotional page for Holden's birthday in my dear friend's devotional. God is so amazingly caring, even about the little things...like knowing I would need this 7 months after August 28th.

Meet Them

2011-03-28T20:16:00.001-05:00

Meet some beautiful little faces:

Dr. Patrick emailed these photos yesterday. They are of some African children [children of God] at the Covenant Primary School near Kampala, Uganda. They are the norm. They are fetching water for hours each day instead of learning. This is their life. Talk about inspiration to run!

Maybe I should warn you this will be a lengthy blog filled with blurry iphone photos. I would like to share some really exciting things that have happened over the past week. Can I just say that I am grateful for a husband who is tending to laundry and unpacking right now? :)

Fallen Soldier
A sweet couple contacted me to build a well this past week in memory of their friend, a fallen U.S. soldier, SFC Duane "Tony" Thornsbury. I get chill bumps even now as I type. He gave his life so that you and I may enjoy all the freedoms we have. Now his life is also giving life to many more people. I cannot think of a more beautiful way for a brave soldier to be honored. We were all touched immensely to read his story. Thank you Veronica and Kurt W.

1/2 Marathon for Hope
The day finally came. The Dallas Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon was yesterday! I had been like a child anticipating his birthday. The day before (Saturday), we drove to Dallas and checked in at the Dallas Convention Center. It was unbelievable and a tad overwhelming. I was completely stoked to run the next day!

Erin & Blair, Tisha & Jimmy Jim and Chet & I walked around and took in the sights. There were so many athletic people, and fun vendors. (Side note: I think I should randomly attend marathon expos to get motivated once in a while. I was even talked into a Power Balance bracelet, and thanks to Tisha I am now a proud owner of one.) ;)

Saturday afternoon I enjoyed a blessed conversation [and decaf coffee] with Erin about life and Hope Mommies. That evening we met new friends and had a yummy dinner of carb loading at Cheesecake Factory.

We got to bed late and I couldn't sleep well at all Saturday night. I woke up at 4am to prep for the day! (I did happen to think the run was at 7am instead of 8am too...which means I probably would have slept in an hour later had I known.) We drove to fairgrounds to be shuttled to the start! This is us driving on the bus...Chet is not a morning person so I had to force that smile out. He was far less giddy than me. ;)

Erin, Blair, Tisha and I raced, although Blair completely left us in his dust (finished with a ridiculous 1 hour 40 minute time). We were SO ready to START!

The three of us stayed together the entire race! It was amazing to run next to two of my heros in life, and two of the most inspirational people on earth. Tisha has been a Mom to me, without anything in return. Erin has been a Mom who loves so deeply that "I want to be her when I grow up". So running by these two beautiful ladies was emotional.

We were almost there!

Thanks to the LORD, we made it. We crossed the finish line together at 2 hours 20 minutes 26 seconds.

Chet and Jimmy Jim thought they didn't want the finish line to get lonely, so they camped out there while we ran. Shuffield Photography took lots of photos (JJ, since Tisha was running), so expect some professional photos soon!

Now a big thanks to YOU. Because of you, almost an entire well was funded (over $1,500)! Plus, Hope Mommies was given $339 to spread hope to grieving mothers. Such a blessing...and makes this soreness/tiredness we are feeling today totally and completely worth it.

Collection of Friends
Our dear friend and huge Holden Uganda supporter, Darci Robertson, has dedicated her monthly Collection of Friends shopping days to Holden Uganda. A team of amazing people have joined her to bring clean water to people across the globe. This month's shopping day was while we were in Dallas for the run, so if it weren't for volunteers like Darci, Veronica C. and Chet's mom, Leigh Ann, we would not have been able to have a booth there. Thank you all. Thank you Darci, thank you vendors, thank you volunteers. And thank you all who generously gave to make the 2nd month of Collection of Friends a success for HUF!

Darci made the announcement that we will have a Holden Uganda Silent Auction on April 16th's COF!

New Friends
Some new friends we met in Ft. Worth funded an entire well, after asking wonderful questions about Africa, the people, wells, etc. We are so very grateful! I look forward to getting the opportunity to send funds in for another well and share pictures of the JOY in the people's faces because of their love. Thank you so much!!

Website
So the uber-talented Constance, who is creating the Hope Mommies website, is also going to be creating a new website for Holden Uganda. Project is just starting, so expect a COOL website coming soon!

New Men's and Women's T-Shirts
Jaci with Freely Me Designs has once again given us great t-shirt artwork! I have a goal to get the tees ordered this week and can't wait to reveal them!

I'm about to head for a hot bath. I have a lot of processing to do.

This week has been emotional and really, really hectic. I was in Austin for work last weekend through Wednesday, and have been incredibly swamped. I apologize if you are waiting on me to reply to you. I plan to get on top of things a little better this week.

Really it is all worth it though. At the end of the day my bed might never have been made...but those sweet faces (see above) will be getting some HOPE very soon. That is eternal. My wrinkly sheets...not so much.

Happy 7 Month Birthday in Heaven to a precious little guy.

And He brought forth His people with joy, and His chosen with gladness. Psalm 105:43

7

2011-03-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Holden,

You have spent 7 earthly months in the presence of God. As I write this, I try to summon up the imagination of what that actually means. Son, you are with the One who created you, and the only One who can love you more than your Daddy and I do. That thought is a little tough for me to process, even still. It's astounding that He loves you more than I love you. But because He does, I am writing this letter to you with joy in my heart.

Paradise is what you were created for. It is what was set out for your life before this earth was even formed. You were not created to live in our arms on this painful, hurting earth. Jesus had huge plans for you, sweet firstborn.

I still cry sometimes when I pray about you and when I talk about you. I still want you to be in my arms. I still ache to look into your green eyes and tell you I love you. (Daddy and I have voted that you probably have green eyes. I dream of the day we will know if we are right on this.) But today is different than 7 months ago. Today I have less pain, because I am in a better place of focusing on God's plans for you.

7 is my favorite number. It is an extra special celebration. These are 7 things I love about you:

You have felt only joy
You make me smile more and more each day
You have left a legacy that has helped to save thousands of lives here on earth
You have helped strengthen my walk with Jesus
You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. Your chunky face is so cute!
You will always be our special firstborn son
You have given me a reason to love more

Your Daddy and I thank the Lord for you every night together. I know we will thank Him for you every day for the rest of our lives. I love you more than I can write. I think you know this, and that Jesus has been sharing our letters to you.

Until I can look into your beautiful eyes and tell you how much I love you, I will praise the One who created you.

Love,
Mommy

Race set before us

2011-03-25T20:28:00.004-05:00

My sweet running partners, Kasey, Kali and Vanessa brought this awesome bag of goodies over for this race weekend.

Guess what?!

THIS Sunday morning is RACE DAY!!! Exactly 34 hours away actually.

I don't really know if I will ever be "ready", so I am glad it will be here and done very soon! :) It's been an amazing journey... starting out at not being able to run a mile... and now about to run 13.1. (That's like 2.25-2.5 hours of running!) Although a great test of strength, I can honestly say I am relieved it's almost over.

Erin and I will be running for HOPE.

Being a part of two separate 501(c)3 organizations can be kinda messy. When I say messy, I mean I take for granted the fact that I know they are not one organization, but I don't make that clear to others. For some reason people can't read my mind?! I know, huh?

Hope Mommies was founded by Erin and Blair Cushman, after their beautiful daughter Gwendolyn Hope went to her eternal Home. I am incredibly blessed to be a very small part of Hope Mommies. When Erin asked me to be on the Board, I was a little shocked and a lot humbled. Hope Mommies is an organization that connects families who have lost their babies and ultimately shares with them the hope we have to be reunited with our children in heaven.

The women I have met through Hope Mommies are some of the most amazing women on earth, and have completely changed my life. When we first said goodbye to Holden, I incessantly googled topics like stillbirth, cord accidents, etc. I was blown away by the amount of negative forums, groups and websites. Bitterness and hate were such a common theme, sadly. My heart hurt even more, reading the stories of extreme bitterness from other grieving parents. Almost just as bad were the websites with extremely incorrect information and blame. Despite the majority of negative websites, I was blessed to meet several Godly, beautiful women who insisted on living on the hope and plans our Saviour promises us, rising above indescribable pain...

I cannot tell you how precious it is to be a part of Hope Mommies. 70 babies are stillborn each day in the United States. That does not include the hundreds of babies who pass in the NICU as well. I just read Holly's blog, and am once again thanking the Lord for his mercy and grace. I pray that the family of that sweet little girl will receive His peace that passes our understanding.

Hope Mommies truly exemplifies beauty from ashes.

Holden Uganda Foundation was founded by J.D. and Kara Smith, as well as Chet and me in December. I think with anything that has my child's name all over it, it is obviously dear and special. In God's extreme goodness and grace, He led us into a ministry to share His love with people across the world.

Over 1 billion people (that is 1 in 6 people on this planet) are sick and dying from the unclean water they are forced to ingest. Pretty impactful if you think of your own children drinking from a poop puddle. (I know that is a terrible mental picture, but it is the cold truth.)

The wells are so simple, yet completely change the dynamics of the people they are serving. Clean water does not just stop illness and death, it changes communities. When you remove illness, you add productivity and vitality. The villages these wells are built in are able to work, learn and be educated...all because they are not using every ounce of energy battling illness. One of our goals is that children will be able to attend school, instead of spending 10 hours a day fetching unclean water.

Each well also shares the love of Christ. I am a FIRM believer that it is far more authentic to show someone love through actions than words. Far more substantial is the gift of life-saving water to a dying person, than words of love.

The wells on our general fund list are all dedicated to children who have gone to be with Jesus before their parents. Obviously this touches us in a way that only a grieving parent can fully understand.

Holden Uganda has been able to turn sorrow into joy.

Any moment I am around parents and their children, my deepest wish is that they understand the gift they have. I know I will be thinking of all the babies in my life, especially the ones born over this past year, on Sunday. I am so grateful for the healthy children in my life.

I write this with the most grateful heart. Without you, we would not be able to have these ministries. You have shown His love in such a spectacular way. It gives me chills to think about...I praise the Lord for you, and pray for blessings to be multiplied in your lives.

Let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Hebrews 12:1b

Forrest Gump

2011-03-19T21:16:00.001-05:00

I don't know why, but every single time I run I think of Forrest Gump. I talk to God, think of Holden, Chet, other Hope Babies and their families; but I also always think of Forrest Gump. I have no idea really why he pops in my mind. It's probably because I wish I had the stamina and love for running like him. Maybe because I too look a little ridiculous running through Snyder's neighborhoods, trying not to die.

Erin, hey, why didn't you suggest we just eat a box of chocolates together instead?? I would have still been able to think of Forrest Gump. :)

Today's run was my last "long" run before our 1/2 marathon in Dallas next weekend. I ran alone and had a lot of time to reflect on the reason why we started running in the first place. First I thought about the place I was in last year at this time. I was bubbly, excited and confident. Eager to be a mommy. Running was no where on my mind, and certainly not 13.1 miles. Actually, baby bedding was on my mind. I think I drove my poor co-workers a little batty discussing colors and patterns of baby bedding (good thing it is kind of socially unacceptable to hit a pregnant girl, because I think they would have liked to). Now I read a lot of blogs and Facebook updates from giddy mommies-to-be, simply perplexed over which shade of yellow to paint the baby's room. I was one of them. Even though it hurts to read about, the joy in parenting is still so wonderful to me. I hope that with any future children, Lord willing, we can still have that anticipatory joy.

I reflected on my conversation with Erin today. His plans for our families are so great. As I ran, I actually got excited about what He has in store for our families. The feeling surprised me a little. It is turning myself, my plans, over to Him...completely, 100% over to Him, that is the hard part. But I know the rewards are more wonderful than we can imagine. I thought about all the awesome things that have happened when I've let Him be in control.

Then I thought of His faithfulness. I know for a fact that I would have given up a long time ago (let's just say it crosses my mind each time I lace up my shoes), if it weren't for the strength He has given me.

Lastly, I thought about the fact that by the time I finished running, there would be approximately 4 more families affected by stillbirth (in the U.S. alone). Four more families experiencing incredible hurt, too painful to describe. 26,000 stillbirths occur annually in the U.S., leaving families searching for answers. The worst part is that many of them are living without the blessed hope of being reunited with their babies again. I also thought about the thousands of people dying daily (that means TODAY, March 19, 2011), hopeless, because of the water they are forced to drink. Hope Mommies and Holden Uganda are two organizations I cannot ever thank the Lord enough for.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Psalm 86:10

Both Erin and I hope to spread the love of the Lord in 7 days. We didn't choose to bake cakes or wash cars as means of raising money. We chose running. Running is something that is not naturally easy for us, so it will be an accomplishment to cross the finish line. We are running for HOPE. Hope for Moms who have experienced infant loss, and hope for Ugandans to drink life-sustaining/saving water. $13 does a lot to spread hope and love. Please consider pledging $1 per mile (13 miles) to Hope Mommies and/or Holden Uganda.

I close with this beautiful thing: Youth from our church presented Holden Uganda with $500 this week!! Because of their diligent work for the Kingdom, we are sending in funds for another well on Monday. Real, honest LOVE from a child brings me to tears.

We are humbled.

Japan

2011-03-17T12:31:00.000-05:00

The news this past week has yet again slapped me in the face with perspective. I desperately struggle with my "own little world syndrome". Almost every single day I get caught up in my day-to-day life, so much so, that I forget I live amongst nearly 7 billion other hurting people.

It is astonishing to get upset over a fellow driver on the road who clearly doesn't know what he is doing...

it is hard to worry about my never-ending emails to answer...

it is hard to fret over dust, laundry, dishes and dog hair...

silly to think about what 'stresses' the day holds...

...when there are thousands dying hopeless today.

I am meditating on Paradise a lot lately. "But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Jesus answered him, Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:40-44

What a day it will be when there will be no hurt, no tears, no sorrow. Only paradise.

I had to stop for a while today and truly pray for our neighbors across the Pacific Ocean. What if it was us?

No news is good news?

2011-03-10T21:34:00.001-06:00

This week has flown by in the Erwin household! I haven't had a chance to get online much at all, and rather miss my daily encouragements from online friends. I haven't devoted near enough time in my devotions either this week, and I am feeling it. My heart has been aching a lot lately.

Some things that have consumed us this week are:

1. Work and normal life. Nothing exciting has happened; and certainly nothing blog worthy to report, so the rest of this is about to be a bit boring. :)

2. Our poor dog, Rusty, had to have surgery on his leg to remove a tumor. He has to wear one of those awful "Elizabethan collars" and be isolated from his "brother", our other dog Luke. (Well, he doesn't have to be isolated from Luke, but he can't play or rough house at all, and that is just what they do.) Both dogs are very unhappy. This will be a long 10 days. I am extremely sensitive about our fur babies, so Rusty being in pain has made me really sad. This, on top of a mysteriously sick cat who has been sick for two days, is really odd for our family. Seriously, our animals are always healthy!

3. My running has been slower this week than most. I have only ran several 4 mile runs, and completely took tonight off. I need to save up my energy for...

4. RUNNING THIS SATURDAY! :) I am SUPER excited about the fact that I am going to be running in memory of Landry James (and of course our precious Holden) in two days! Many friends (even my sister!!) and I will be driving to Temple tomorrow and running in a 10K race to raise funds for the Scott & White NICU and the Children's Miracle Network. I have been looking forward to this for weeks, and it's finally here! Chet was supposed to be running too, but he will be staying home on "dog recovering from surgery" duty. I am really going to miss him for my first ever official run, but I am so glad he cares as much as he does for our fur babies. My goal is to raise $828 dollars, as "8/28" will always be the most special number to me.

5. Well I guess this means I need to finish packing since I am leaving right after work tomorrow.

Thank you all for your love, prayers and support. It always helps me smile each day. I have the most encouraging friends ever, and it is a big reason as to why I have kept up the running.

I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 1 Corinthians 9:23-25

Slow lane

2011-03-05T21:35:00.002-06:00

Last night I decided to see if I could run a half-marathon. Well, actually I bargained with myself to just run 6-8 miles and then call it a night. But when I got to mile 8, I thought, "Why not?" I wanted to make sure I had ran an "official" 13.1 miles just in case I didn't make it on race day in a couple of weeks. Holden Uganda has already received several pledges for my race, so I did not want to let people down.

I made it. Alive. I am paying for it.

I woke up feeling like a train ran me over. My every muscle is mad at me. I truly had an excuse not to mop, because I couldn't even lift up the mop. :) Today has been such a lazy day of accomplishing absolutely nothing.

I am grateful for rest though. Even if it's sore rest.

Thanks to a discussion with some girlfriends I had last week, I have thought non-stop about how 'real' Jesus is in my life. We were discussing the presence of God in church and in our daily lives, and talked about how easy it is for us to make church [and every other minutia] about us and not Him. To me, it is especially worrisome in regards to my daily life.

After my read of Radical (by David Platt) a couple months ago, I really gave church life and my walk with Christ a lot of thought. It described me really well, embarrassingly. :( Praising God at church is so nice when they play music I like, when the temperature is just right, when my outfit looks good, when...oh wait...is that praising God?

Today's slow pace once again showed me how I can get so busy with stuff about me, me, me. If Jesus was walking this earth today, would I do everything I do to get as much stuff as I possibly can cram into a 24-hour day? How much of it is for Him? How much for me? Gulp. I don't want to be the Martha, worrying about stuff that "looks good", but really isn't about Him.

With a lot of time to sit and think today, I remembered Psalm 46:10, the verse that says, "Be still and know that I am God". So I decided to read it in context. Verse 10 continues, "I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." Talk about speaking to me. Who does this busy life exalt?

Even though I doubt I could manage living life in the slow lane on a regular basis, I really hope to focus more on HIS work each day.

Even Henri had a lazy day. This is what I found in our office... (For all of you who are freaking out about cat hair and HUF t-shirts, I will personally take the shirt she slept on.)

PS I haven't found a single Scripture about running being a good thing. Let me know if you find one, please. Seems as though running and weariness go hand-in-hand. ;)

Blue balloons

2011-03-02T21:54:00.000-06:00

I have wanted to blog about Holden's amazing SURPRISE 6 month birthday for two days now, but it has taken me a few nights to process it all. This evening I had the opportunity to read all the letters to Holden and to us again.

I started part of this on his birthday night....

2/28
I lay in bed this morning, not sure how today would be. Sometimes the expectation of a moment is worse than the actual moment. I hoped that was true. This whole week was really tough. Then I wondered why it makes me sadder on a certain date than another. After all, we don't need a birthday to remind us that we don't have our son in our arms. I believe it was the finality of 1/2 year going by that hit me.

I knew I needed to go to work, I knew I should get up and look a little cute for the day (this did not happen, but in retrospect, I really should've listened to this thought...), I knew I would be in a bit of a fog, and I just hoped it would be a day that I did not pull a really obnoxious, awkward crying moment with anyone.
So I sat in bed and prayed for awhile. I know He gives peace at the moments we need it most. After praying, I sat up and received a text message from my sweet Melanie. She is an early morning riser, who knows exactly what to send from her daily quiet time. Any day. Any situation. She knows what to send. Today was no exception.

Then the messages, emails and texts started coming....

...and I am still receiving text messages tonight.

God gave us peace today.

Chet and I had planned to meet after work to release 6 balloons. Nothing fancy; just a little way to remember our son. Kara said she would meet us out there and release them with us. I told her she better not be driving to Snyder just for this, but she assured me, "I have plenty of things to do today in Snyderville..." Or something like that.

10 minutes before 5, Kara instant messaged me that she was feeding Jax and then would meet Chet and I at the cemetery. I drove to the cemetery at 5. All the songs on the radio on the way out there were perfect reminders of His mercy. I felt so at peace because He again showed me that He cares for the smallest details in our lives.

When I pulled up to the cemetery, I could see the tops of a lot of vehicles. I was picking up my cell phone to call Chet and tell him, "NO way. We cannot release balloons in the middle of a funeral!" as I inched slowly up to the the parked cars, readying myself to make the most inconspicuous getaway possible. Then I noticed that the cars all looked really familiar.

That's because they were cars filled with so many of our dearest friends!

The scene was one of those things I just cannot really describe. Instead of six balloons in my husband's hand, I walked up to friends and more balloons than I could even count. My family, the Shuffields, were even there...all the way from Brady!! It was unbelievable!

Wow! To have our son remembered in such a beautiful way, is really just something every parent probably dreams of. I have never seen a bigger, more perfect 1/2 year birthday celebration in my whole life. The balloons all had messages and notes from our friends from all over the country (even world). We read each balloon and each sweet message to Holden. The moment was one I will never, ever forget. The precious notes are a treasure to our hearts.

Kara put together a day that we will never forget. The thought of today made my heart physically ache for the past 6 months, but instead of unbearable pain, we received LOVE.

Jimmy Jim and Tisha (Shuffield Photography) captured the evening. They were so sweet and took pictures of as many balloons as they could. I wanted ALL of it to be something I could look back on for as long as we are away from Holden. This is just a glimpse of the 180+ photos they took.

3/2

6 months ago, I did not believe I could live another day. I could not even fathom making it to 1/2 year.

By the grace of God we are here. And by His grace we are not just 'here', but we have joy and peace and are grateful to be here.

I wish there was a way for me to describe what it means to be loved like we have been this week. My pathetic "thank you" is all I can offer. Thank you. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for letting me cry at random moments with you. Thank you for reaching out to us. Thank you for making our son feel like a part of your lives. Thank you for remembering him as if he was someone you grew to know and love for a lifetime. Thank you for your hugs, letters, prayers, words, time, etc. I love you all.

I have loved with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again. Jeremiah 31:3-4

Happy 6 Months

2011-02-27T16:28:00.001-06:00

Dear Holden,

I had a difficult time typing "Happy" on today's blog title. I thought I would just write "6 Months", since I have not exactly felt happy thinking about your 1/2 year mark in heaven this week. But then I thought about you sweetheart. You are happy, sweet son. You have never been anything but happy. So I am glad I can wish you a Happy 1/2 Year Birthday tomorrow!

There has been so much good coming from your life in the last 1/2 year. I remember the first time someone told me that good things were happening because of you, I was upset. I wanted to tell that person that I would rather have you HERE with me than any good that they could perceive from you not being here. But you know what? Your daddy and I can sit here today and be thankful for the beauty that has come from the worst thing that has ever happened to us.

Because of your little life, about 36,000 people are given the opportunity to live another healthy day because they can drink clean water.

I love you. I can't ever say that enough. Happy 6 Months in heaven to the little boy we love more than words. The little boy who has changed our lives.

~Daddy & Mommy

Holden's Auntie Charys made this beautiful card for us.

This week has been really tough for me. I wish I could say the exact opposite; that I was strong enough to really enjoy the week. But I just can't. 6 months is such a definitive marker; 1/2 year from when we held our son, and 1/2 a year away from that moment.

Thankfully, I have been given a lot of peace today. Our God does not make sense, but He does give us the strength to make it through.

Let's see. My mind is a little numb for the right words, so I'll just list some of the things that have happened over the past 6 months.

I love God more today than I did 6 months ago. If you would have asked me on August 27th if I would love God if He were to take my son to heaven, I would likely have said no. Maybe even heck no. (That's just the cold, honest truth.) Yet, He is so merciful to my heart...and has given me more peace, love and blessings than I can write. He gives me HOPE daily...and renews my strength...every.single.day.

Chet and I are a different couple. I am humbled and grateful for it.

Thousands of people who weren't drinking clean water 6 months ago, are filling their bodies with life-sustaining water. Really, I don't even know what to say about it all. I still wake up with the feeling that it is so surreal that we get to be a small part of this giant plan. It's a privilege I will never take for granted.

I have had the amazing opportunity to meet other families who have dealt with the death of a baby, and witness the Lord restoring hope in their lives.

I am running. I know that really isn't big in the scheme of things, but to me it is. I have NEVER been an athlete or in shape. As I struggle through each mile, I think about a little chunky-cheeked boy who is really behind all of it. I would have given up many times, if I did not believe that EVERY single person deserves to drink clean water.

Tomorrow we are going to release balloons to celebrate. Celebrate the GLORY that our son is experiencing. Celebrate the GOOD that He is doing.

It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose. Philippians 2:13

Run for water

2011-02-21T19:28:00.000-06:00

Hello friends and family,

I have such an exciting announcement. Drum roll please! ~~~~~

Thanks to a dear friend of ours, Amy Marson, on August 27, 2011 there will be the first OFFICIAL Holden Uganda Run!!! The run will be held in the beautiful city of Fayetteville, North Carolina. (Check out this site to learn more about how cool it is!)

Of course I will be posting MORE information these next 6 months, but I just HAD to spread the amazing news. I don't know if there is anyone from North Carolina (or surrounding states) who reads my blog, but I think it would be awesome to run with you, if so.

So let's hit the streets. The trails. The treadmills. We've got water wells to build.

I can't think of a better way to celebrate our son's first year in heaven, than to run for clean water. I really, really, really hope you join us.

Even Chet is running.

For reals.

:) I have so much JOY tonight.

My Story

2011-02-20T19:54:00.002-06:00

Community 40 or "C-40" was completely different than what I was expecting. To be honest, I actually don't really know what I was expecting. A weekend of sleepless nights? A weekend of twelve teenage girls sharing a bathroom (yikes)? Some worship and games? I don't really know.

Turns out, this weekend was one of the greatest blessings in my life. To see nearly 150 teens worship together, kneel before an alter in dedication to the Lord, have fun together and seek Him out was powerful.

Chet and I were beyond blessed to get to host 8 beautiful girls in our home. They are all such precious girls that I know the Lord is molding into His vessels. They made me search my heart and reasons why I love Him deeper. I have never sat in front of a small group of teens who skipped all "surface level" questions and just got down to the realness of who God is. Wow.

Our group's college leader, Courtney, blew my mind away. I think back to my college years and know I was nowhere near the leader she is. She cared through and through for the young ladies, and I loved to listen to Him speaking through her. Seriously, I can't believe we were so blessed to be in the presence of the 8 young ladies and Courtney all weekend.

The weekend's theme was our "Story"; the teens were challenged to live their "Stories" to serve Him, and leave a legacy that gives Him the glory. I was probably just as challenged as the teens. I was that awkward "host home old lady" sitting at the front with our group. I couldn't help but to be amazed and thankful to see the beautiful work He was doing in the lives of the teens. Philippians 1:6 being lived out.

Seventh Day Slumber led worship over the weekend; simply powerful. I have listened to a lot of bands in my life, and many Christian bands live, but Seventh Day Slumber just made their way to the top of my selective list. The lead singer, Joseph Rojas, shared his gripping testimony to the captivated audience. His Story gives his Saviour glory.

Tonight, I am moved to live my Story as a reflection of the grace, mercy and love He pours out on me.

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

From the Inside Out by Seventh Day Slumber

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And If I stumble again

I'm caught in our grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine

When all else fails

Neverending, your glory goes

Beyond all fame

My heart and my soul

I give You control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise

Become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself

In bringing You praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine

When all else fails

Never-ending, your glory goes

Beyond all fame

My heart and my soul

I give You control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise

Become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine

When all else fails

Never-ending, Your glory goes

Beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart

Is to bring You praise

From the inside out

Lord my soul cries out

Run for fun

2011-02-17T14:52:00.004-06:00

Ha...I kid. I don't really run for fun. (And I use the term "run" liberally, as my pace betrays me.)

I believe that even the people "addicted to running", really don't actually think it's fun. They just do it because they know they should.

I still hate running, but now it's more of a love/hate relationship, and I can feel a little improvement in my breathing and muscles. I am giving a lot of credit to our running trainer, Allison. I also thank my sweet running girlfriends, Vanessa, Kali and Kasey, who are my accountability partners. I am running for two causes now, which makes it SO much more tolerable!!

Let me just tell you. I should have someone photograph my "run face". I was running with Erin and she asked me if I was okay. I was running on the street in Snyder and had several people ask me the next day if I was okay when I was running. I have to ask people to not comment on my face while I run. It's bad; I just have a gnarly face when I run that expresses my feelings well.

I am running the St. Patrick's Day 10K on March 12th for the Scott & White Children's Hospital and Children's Miracle Network. We are on Team Landry's Legacy, so I cannot wait to run in honor of this precious boy. Please help us as we raise money for the NICU.
http://www.helpmakemiracles.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=787&participantID=49355

I am also running the Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon in Dallas (YES, that is 13 miles) on March 27th. (I ask myself why a lot. Well, every single time I run actually.) But now I am raising money for Holden Uganda, so it's a little better to think about. A $1 per mile pledge would change a few lives. How cool is it that $13 can share a lot of love? Plus, it'll make me a lot more excited at 5pm after work each day, as I lace up my running shoes. ;)
http://holdenuganda.org/www.holdenuganda.org/Donate_Purchase.html

Running is such an odd thing for me. I wouldn't even be running if it weren't for Holden's life the way it is. We did get a really cool running stroller (thanks to my shower hostesses), but I doubt I would be running like this with it.

I have exciting news about an official HOLDEN UGANDA RUN in North Carolina coming very soon!!

Notice the girl running sideways? The one with the funky bangs? Oh, and that outfit? ;)

I'll leave you with that!