Same Time

Call me a little crazy, because frankly I am a little crazy.  I almost did not post this, because it can be read as coming from a depressed person.  But it's not, I promise.  :) 

Today has been 38 weeks and 5 days since Holden went to heaven.  That is the same amount of time we were given to carry and get to know our little guy.  (Yes, I apparently have more time on my hands than I thought.)

It got me to thinking about why God chose 9 months gestation for babies to be created.  It is the right amount of time, because He made it so.  Think about it...9 months gives us time to prepare our hearts, minds, homes and families.  9 months gives us enough time to fall in love with someone we have never met, but it's not so long that we can't stand the wait any longer.  It's perfect.

Our time with Holden was perfect.  But even more perfect will be the time we have with him for all of eternity.

38 weeks 5 days later:
1.  I am pre-pregnancy weight.  Finally.  I suppose I needed the same amount of time I took to gain it, to lose it.  Now, things have certainly shifted and moved around...but the scale says the same thing.  I take that shifting with a mostly happy heart; I am 're-shaped' because of my son. :)  (Oh, and let's be honest...I have to weigh myself in the morning for it to be the same...but my goal was 9 months, and so I feel as though I've met that goal.)
2.  Our home office is overrun with Holden Uganda stuff.  We look like a Santa's workshop on steroids.  It's pretty intense.  I don't usually get self-conscience about my mess until someone comes and sees it.  That moment happened on Tuesday night...it's time to spend a good weekend or two cleaning and re-organizing.
3.  I still have bad days and good days.  Grief is a mysterious thing.  People who have lost any loved ones (parent, grandparent, friend, sibling, child) ache to be with them for as long as they are on earth.  I still think of Holden every second of every day.  When I see a Mommy hugging or kissing her baby, I wonder what Holden would be like at that moment.  I miss those hugs and kisses.

God is good.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  Romans 8:24-25

Barber Shop

Rusty and Luke went to the Doggie Barber Shop this week.  They look totally ridiculous, but feel so much better in the 100+ temps (we think they do at least)!  Rusty is STILL super shy about cameras, so we had to bribe them with a bag of treats.  By photo attempt 600 (okay, maybe 60), Chet wasn't too thrilled to keep trying.  :)

My sister posted this today and I have to share:

What if you woke up tomorrow with ONLY the people and things you thanked God for today?

The Day After

Mother's Day was actually quite a normal day for me.  A normal day these days includes a few awkward moments, a few bouts of strong emotion and a few tears.  Other than that, I would actually say that thanks to the many caring, loving friends I have, I actually felt HAPPY yesterday.  I was blessed with cards, letters, gifts and even a flower pot of Gerber daisies.  :)  I went to Kara's 4 year-old son's birthday party and stayed busy all day.  I am so grateful that a day I was dreading could be filled with joy and love, and genuine laughter.

Thank you all for validating our son and allowing me to be his Mom. 

I tried to sit down and write earlier today, but I knew if I was going to be honest with myself, it would end up being a really dreary post.   I decided to wait a bit before bitterness took over my computer screen.  Yesterday's busy schedule seemed to have pushed Mother's Day to today.  It has been a bit of a 'post Mother's Day' bomb for me.  I can certainly say that I am even more thankful than usual to serve the One who is in control.  Today felt so out of control in every possible way, so to sit here and know He is in control has finally got my headache to ease up.  

I have a few friends who reminded me of His goodness today.  Thank you guys.  I feel incredibly selfish after all the LOVE I have received over the past few days to even be writing these words.

I have learned that it is easier to face emotions than to smother them though; they usually find their way out.  For any mom who is missing their child, Mother's Day, no matter how lovely and joyful in ways, still hurts.  Chet wrote me a letter yesterday about why he didn't want to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day" and I think it was beautiful and perfect.  He was mindful of the day and how joy can only be had because of our Savior.  Most probably feel the "Happy" in their Mother's Day comes from mothering their children.  To those of us without our children, happiness is a gift from God in a totally different way.  It almost takes a little work...

Overall, the Healer has made this past week beautiful for me.  I am blessed to call the most amazing mothers on earth my friends, and learn from them all daily.

I spent Friday with Tisha Shuffield, the person who became my "Mom" about 10 years ago.  I also spent the day with my sister and her family.  Charys is such an amazing Mommy, who I am simply overwhelmed to just watch interact with her two boys.  

My mailbox received some special deliveries this week:

The Hope Mommies painting took my breath away.  Erin, your heart reflects Him.  Thank you for such a priceless gift.  Every detail about this painting is perfect and I am so grateful to the very special friends who made it possible for me to receive one.  Read about what the painting represents here.  

 A friend I have never met in person, only through Baby Center, sent me a gift I will cherish forever. She spent countless hours getting to know my son {tears} through drawing him for me.  I stared at it for an hour and thought about how she captured the details I never want to forget.  Thank you Hannah P.  Beauty isn't even the word.

I sit here and think about the words of comfort so many friends have shared with me this week.  The Comforter used my sweet friends to show me how GREAT and MASSIVE His care is.  They proclaimed Philippians 2:1-4 to me.   

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  Philippians 2:1-4  

What is a mother without her baby?

My dear friend Kelly wrote the most perfect blog.  I didn't even know what to say about this upcoming Mother's Day.  After reading this, I knew I could not write something better than what Kelly wrote.  Please check it out:  What is a Mother Without a Child? 
Something Kelly forgot to write about though, is the fact that she is the "quiet behind-the-scenes" warrior for Holden Uganda and Hope Mommies.  Pretty much anything technology-related and much of our public relations is done by Kelly.

I am spending today with the Shuffields and my sister and her family.  I look forward to writing about the weekend soon.

Raising Dough

Exhausted.  

Nearly 28 year-olds should probably be warned about waiting tables.  I once again respect wait staff even more, since it's been quite some time since I was waiting tables in college.  Quite some time ago for these feet and back and legs and...

But I could be ten times more exhausted than this and still do it all over again, all night long, for the wonderful blessing Holden Uganda had at tonight's Pizza Inn Dough Raiser.

SO many friends (I would not dare name them by name, as I would hate to leave one out) came together to work their booties off tonight.  SO MANY MORE came out to eat pizza, support and share love from their hearts.  

For the past few days, Kara and I had a fun little bet going about who would raise the most tips waiting tables.  Lauren Collier decided to join in on the fun, so it was ON between the three of us!  Kelly was our online moderator and decided to join in on the fun too! :)  Kelly ensured many online donations for the evening as well!  What an amazing time with such generous hearts.  Thank you all! 

Oh yeah.  And I won. :D  

But the REAL winners are in Uganda.  "Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me." ~Jesus  

The total of funds raised was over $2,600.  Our God is an Awesome God!

Other notes:  

Chet and I have never been so behind on our part of Holden Uganda (receipts, thank yous, emails).  I just want you all to know I promise you are not forgotten.  We are going to spend the next few nights completely working on HUF this week.  There are so many people to thank and write.  My heart is filled to the brim.  We are learning how to juggle our jobs, normal life, etc. while running HUF.  Thank you for your kind patience in this!

The sweet people I have "met" through Baby Center have been unbelievable this week.  Thank you all for making me feel like a Mommy.   

Mother's Day is only a few days away.  I had looked forward to this Mother's Day so much last year.  My sister even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in 2010, making it my first Mother's Day gift.  I do not really even know what I am feeling this week about Mother's Day.  Sometimes it is so sad I block it out of my mind, but then sometimes I dwell on it so that I can dwell on God's goodness.  He is always good.

You know what?  Tonight was the first time I have enjoyed a game of pure fun to its fullness in 8 months.    

This year, Erin sent me a lovely and thoughtful Mother's Day gift: