August 27, 2013
I have looked through all of the photos we have of your brief time in our arms this evening. It is the evening before your third year spent in Glory. My eyes are glistening and blurry,
but my heart is at peace because I know you are.
I am always astounded at the perfect details God created in you. I see your sister in you which is a sweet gift from the Lord. (I think your feet were as large as Grey's are now though.)
You are handsome and perfect, and still take my breath away.
I remember my pregnancy with you as vividly as I remember anything I did yesterday. It was one of the most special times in my life, for sure.
The moment we first held you, that moment that was far too brief, I knew you would change me in a profound way. And you have.
I miss you.
I get to work with three year-olds this year. Did you know I miss teaching you to read? I know you are smart, and I was certain with a name like Holden Newell you would be scholarly.
I miss hearing you talk about your birthday party tomorrow incessantly, excitedly telling everyone the theme and how good the cake will be. I am guessing you would be thrilled about football season for the first year too. This would make your Daddy proud. ;) I miss seeing you wear a matching Tech tee with your Daddy.
This year I have realized you would no longer be a baby. You would be potty trained, know the alphabet, a soccer and t-ball player no doubt, and a big boy in every sense of the word. My little baby has been difficult to let go of. You are always a baby in my mind.
I am grateful the Lord continues to teach me about Him through you, Holden Newell.
I am a better Momma to your little sister. Did you know I fail a lot as a mom? I lose my patience. I choose to 'do it myself' instead of teach. I rush life along. These are moments that God reminds me of how precious life is, and how much I know that even more because of you.
I still wonder why God chose us to be your parents. Often I feel inadequate to be "Holden's Mommy". I fight against intense selfish desires to be your mommy here. For three years I have felt guilty about wanting to give it all back to have you here; Holden Uganda, my new walk with Christ, our marriage, our life now. All of it. I would do anything.
But tonight I realize I truly would not.
I would not change the beautiful purpose God set out for your life.
I would not deny you life in perfect Glory to live in this broken world.
You are part of our life in a way we could never have you if you were on earth.
You will always impact us, and our prayer is to never let "normal" sink back in.
We are celebrating your life.
We are praising God for giving us 9 precious months with you on this side of eternity,
and endless time with you one Day.
We get a tiny glimpse of Glory here every day being your parents.
We echo Paul, "Death is swallowed up in VICTORY!"
Tonight I am grateful for the HOPE we have through salvation in our Savior, Jesus Christ, to know you for all of eternity. After three years of being your Mommy,
I am always most grateful for this priceless gift when you cross my mind.
A thousand times a day.
Happy 3rd Birthday to the person who made me Mommy.
I love you forever and always.
For you have made him most blessed forever;
You have made him exceedingly glad with Your presence.