Today has been 38 weeks and 5 days since Holden went to heaven. That is the same amount of time we were given to carry and get to know our little guy. (Yes, I apparently have more time on my hands than I thought.)
It got me to thinking about why God chose 9 months gestation for babies to be created. It is the right amount of time, because He made it so. Think about it...9 months gives us time to prepare our hearts, minds, homes and families. 9 months gives us enough time to fall in love with someone we have never met, but it's not so long that we can't stand the wait any longer. It's perfect.
Our time with Holden was perfect. But even more perfect will be the time we have with him for all of eternity.
38 weeks 5 days later:
1. I am pre-pregnancy weight. Finally. I suppose I needed the same amount of time I took to gain it, to lose it. Now, things have certainly shifted and moved around...but the scale says the same thing. I take that shifting with a mostly happy heart; I am 're-shaped' because of my son. :) (Oh, and let's be honest...I have to weigh myself in the morning for it to be the same...but my goal was 9 months, and so I feel as though I've met that goal.)
2. Our home office is overrun with Holden Uganda stuff. We look like a Santa's workshop on steroids. It's pretty intense. I don't usually get self-conscience about my mess until someone comes and sees it. That moment happened on Tuesday night...it's time to spend a good weekend or two cleaning and re-organizing.
3. I still have bad days and good days. Grief is a mysterious thing. People who have lost any loved ones (parent, grandparent, friend, sibling, child) ache to be with them for as long as they are on earth. I still think of Holden every second of every day. When I see a Mommy hugging or kissing her baby, I wonder what Holden would be like at that moment. I miss those hugs and kisses.
God is good.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25
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Sarah, your post is beautiful, perfect, and inspiring. I really think that it would be nice to have this printed and available for other grieving parents. It makes so much sense, but more than that, it is from the heart.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for Chet and you each day. And I draw strength from people like you who walk with God's grace in extremely difficult times.
You are a blessing, and God is Good!
Love,
Sandy
Perfect. God IS good. I love you.
ReplyDeletegirl, i dont see how you think this can be read as a depressive post. Mine must be read like a suicidal depressive maniac wrote it! As always, your hopeful and inspiring. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteSarah...
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best....always. I have thought so much about how things will be when 38 or 39 weeks passes...when we have longed for our babies as long as they were here on earth with us. I think you sound so positive and honest.
Praying for you
Love you sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteI know you miss Holden with everything in you. I'm with ya, girl. He is your perfect precious son who grew in you and knew you like no one else. You took such wonderful care of him!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are not holding him today, Sarah. Yes, one day when you do again it WILL be perfect forever. I can't wait.