Change

I think people (myself included) use the term "life-changing" too loosely.  There were many events in my life up until last year that I called life-changing.

I finally understand what a life-altering kind of change means.  A few mornings ago as I was getting ready for work, my mind wandered to the girl I was a year ago.  My walk with the Lord was lukewarm, Chet and I had a good (or we thought good) marriage; our life was just what we wanted. I was selfish.  If you would have mentioned other people's problems and pains to me, I would have thought about it, prayed [genuinely] for them, and likely forgotten about it a few days later.  I can even think of many senseless things I said and did when people around me were grieving. (I have to remind myself of this when I am encountered by an insensitive or perceived rude person.  I believe without knowing pain, it is almost impossible to empathize with or understand it; I too was that insensitive person at one time.)  


If Holden would have stayed with us, who knows what kind of hearts, life and family we would have.  


I can say that although I have fought it many times year, I believe God's plan for us is loving.  He placed our son in His presence, and allowed us to truly "break our hearts for what breaks His".  

Will I understand why we want(ed) to be parents so very badly, yet happen to be the only couple in our close circle of friends without children on earth?
No.
Will I ever understand the events leading up to Holden's passing?
No.
Will I ever understand why a healthy baby can just die?
No.
Will I understand why that baby was our baby?
No.

Do I have to understand?
No.


Even David asked God if His faithfulness extended to the grave (Psalm 88, specifically verse 11).  He answered that in Psalm 89.

Nearly a year has come and gone.  Although a lifetime away from perfect, I am grateful for my changed heart.  I believe I can finally grieve for what grieves God.  Chet and I both agree that our marriage has never been stronger.  My walk with Christ is so much more vibrant and real.  When I have pushed Him away and wanted to do anything on Earth rather than pray, He has pursued my heart.

We were given a gift in our firstborn son.  I hope there never comes a day that we forget what God has done for us through the gift of Holden's life.

I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself.  Psalm 89:2