I went to Holden's gravesite last week. His headstone is already whitened by the West Texas hard water build-up. Seeing that was a harsh reminder that it truly has been a long time since we laid his body to rest.
They say that nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent. The same could be said of nothing on earth preparing you for becoming a parent to a child who will not take a breath on earth. Eighteen months ago my husband, doctor, several nurses and I were huddled closely in a dim hospital room, ready to meet a boy who was already in heaven. There has never been a time in my life that I had such trepidation in not knowing what to expect. Since I never gave 'stillbirth' more than a passing thought during his pregnancy, I didn't even know what a baby born still would look like. I did not know if I would be repulsed by the experience, or even if we could make it through the experience. (On our own, without the Lord's strength, I know we would not have!)
The only sounds in the room were quiet tears from all of us when Holden arrived. Instead of giving birth to something I viewed as scary and ugly, we were given a perfect, beautiful little boy. We were given hope and peace and joy. His birth certainly could be considered the most awful moment in my life, but far greater than it being the most awful moment, it was also what I gratefully consider to be one of the best moments in my life.
I am sure if I was not a Hope Mom (or Dad) reading this blog, it would be disturbing to read these intimate details. They are details I have remembered every day for 18 months though, and are a part of our life and story. They are details that remind me that I have been given so much grace to be able to serve a God bigger than Holden's birthday. Holden's story did not end in a dim, tearful hospital room. His story is something that I pray will live on and bring Jesus glory until the day we get to look into his eyes.
Today, as every day of my life for eighteen months, I am so blessed to be a mommy to a son in heaven. Eighteen months ago, I was given a much more real and deeper appreciation for my salvation in Jesus Christ.
This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. 1 John 4:9
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It's so hard to believe that it's been 18 months. I know Holden is looking down and smiling at everything his parents have done since his birth and death. You have accomplished so much in his honor. You are an inspiration!
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