Tuesday, December 28, 2010

4 months, sweet son

Tisha loving Holden

Four months seems so long, yet so short.  Really, I am sure to the rest of the world, it is a long time to still be writing about.  But to me, it feels like yesterday.  

I have yet to go through a single thought without thinking of Holden.  Someone told me this past week that she didn't want to bring up his name, worried that it might remind me about him.  If only she knew that there is not a thing in the world that distracts me from thinking of him.  I still LOVE to hear Holden's name spoken.

Her words made me think of my Heavenly Father.  I haven't once stopped thinking about my son, and I know from talking to my friends who are mommies, that they too never stop thinking of their children.  Yet, His loves for us is far greater than our love for our children.  What an amazing peace it is to think that our Heavenly Father is ALWAYS thinking about us. He "obsesses" over us more than we obsess over our own children.  He knows our every thought, pain and joy.  I know if my child was hurting, I would do absolutely anything and everything to take away that hurt.  I know He knows we are hurting, and He is beautifully healing our hearts.  

This afternoon, I went by my office and took down my 2010 calendar to replace with a 2011 one.  I flipped through it and noticed all the doctor appointments, ultrasound dates, maternity photos date, shower date, my due date and the date I was going to be induced.  It really felt like it was just last week that I was giddy and excited writing, "Head to Lubbock" on August 31's square.  There was a big smiley face after those words.

I wonder if there is a time that I will not be missing my son, a time I will not be counting the months?  Sometimes the thought of not missing him scares me too.  I don't want to remember my son just on August 28th each year.  Or even worse, I don't want "things" to be my only reminder of our firstborn.  Thankfully, I am a long ways off from not missing him, so I suppose those questions are really invalid in my life.  

Chet is gone for work, so we spent today apart.  We were both able to thank the Lord for our son's life, even if we missed being together.  This morning I received a phone call from Dr. Patrick Mutano in Uganda.  It was an amazing thing to be able to transfer funds for the wells on Holden's 4th month birthday.  I had goosebumps the entire time I was at the bank.  Three weeks ago, I would not have believed I would be doing that today.  We thought it a lofty goal to have one well built by January 28th, his 5th month birthday.

I love you beautiful son, more and more each day.  

I am blessed. 

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:22

His love is astounding.


  1. Well said! I had that same fear too, but it's interesting how life plays out. You won't not miss him, you'll always remember his days, and his memories. The only thing that changes is the pain. The pain is replaces with sweet joy. Thank you for your support. :)

  2. Wow...I found your FB "Holden Uganda" page, and wanted to find a place to donate, so I Googled and also found a link to your blog. I wanted to know your heart more and see where you have come with Jesus in the months since the day of Holden left you for his heavenly home. I'm so touched as I read and feel the great comfort of Jesus toward you through His Spirit and the people of God you are in community with. I also have to say that God has given you an amazing gift of writing and expressing your heart and your husband's. Thank you for sharing the goodness of God and the reality of living life which has its deep sorrows and wonderful joys. May God continue to show His deep favor on you & your husband...you are His beloved...His precious ones...He loves to think about you every moment.

    Love, Glenn & Lois Hervieux - your brother & sister in Christ

  3. Sarah, you will aways remember him and miss him. He is your son and that will never change.

    One of my big worries was that I would forget his smell. His face. Him. But I don't. It has been three years and I remember like it was yesterday.

    You are doing such an amazing thing with the wells. I know Holden is proud of you, momma!

  4. Sarah- you won't ever forget. My memories are just as vivid of my tatum today as the day I delivered her. I am farther along in this journey than most of the girls that will be joining us on our feb weekend, so I hope that you can all take comfort somewhat in my journey... I still think of her everyday, especially when I see kids about the same age, or families with two girls. What would it be like potty training or eating out with 2? However where I used to feel great sadness and totally heartbroken, I know am thankful... Her name makes me smile and I thank our heavenly father for her and how she changed my life... And made me a better mother than I ever would I've been. I guess what I am trying to say is you won forget.... But your arms will fill less empty and your heart will heal. "he heals the broken hearted And binds up their wounds." psalm 147:3

  5. Sara, Sara & Paige,
    Thank you for sharing your stories. That is such a comfort...I am so glad your sweet Hope Babies are vivid in your memories and hearts!
    Glen & Lois,
    Thank you very much. Thank you for encouraging us.
    Much love,

  6. Hugs to you Sarah. My baby girl celebrated her 4 month birthday/anniversary the day before your little Holden. I think your project is a wonderful way to honor Holden. I hope and pray the project is able to reach its next goal by Holden's 5 month mark.

    Thank you so much for being such an inspiration. Although I have constantly questioned my faith since she died and find myself unable to turn to religion right now, your blog gives me hope...that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Your faith in God tells me that there really is a God who cares and, one day, when I'm ready to return to my faith, he will be there. Thank you.