Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Season's greetings

Somehow you never see a Christmas card depicting, "Tis the season for hurt, sadness or pain".  I have received quite a few Christmas cards, and all of them talk about joy, peace and love.  I was one of those people who never really thought about anyone hurting around the holidays.  Years ago I read that Christmas is the number one time for suicides, yet I never really gave it much thought; and I certainly did not do anything about it.

I never reached out to a random hurting stranger at Christmastime.  I did not think about all of the people who were truly in pain on Christmas.  I never thought about someone who isn't even able to drink clean water, an orphan dying from AIDs with no medical care, a neighbor down the street who would do anything to simply buy a few gifts for her kids.  

You know what I was primarily thinking about these last few Christmases??  I mostly thought about my tree, my decorations, Christmas cards, buying gifts, what to cook and bake.  About the fact that I have never hung Christmas lights on my house, and I wished Chet would hang them this year.    

I have looked at a blank blog screen for a couple days.  This whole Christmas/holiday season really hurts too much to even write about.  Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you how Christmas without them simply sucks.  I know that isn't a nice way to put it, but it's the honest truth.  Tonight I read some fellow angel mommies' blogs.  They are all hurting.  Christmas doesn't quite seem like Christmas.  

I don't need to make this a really long blog about how much Christmas is nothing like what I want it to be.  I suppose that's obvious and I could not even muster all of what I want to say right now.  [If you happened to be a family member of Chet's this weekend, you know how much I was not into Christmas.  (Sorry if any of you Erwins read this...)  This whole season has simply left me in a funk.]

What I do still love about the season is this:  Our Savior loves all of us enough that He willingly came to earth as a baby, to fulfill the most sacred promise of all.  That promise included living as a human and eventually dying a terrible death to save mankind.  He did not have to do this.  He did not have to be born in that stable.  He did not have to be beaten beyond recognition and then hung to slowly die.  BUT HE DID.  

Holden did not have to die.  But he did.  I have been asked many times what I think about a God who had the power to save Holden, but did not.  Just as I do not understand the depth of the love our God has for us, by coming to earth on that terrible tax night...I do not understand this.  I don't think I need to understand it all to know He has a bigger plan.  

I am thankful for a lesson I have learned this Christmas.  There is a bigger world out there than me.  I am hoping that every Christmas, for the rest of my life, I realize how unimportant my stockings are, and how important people are.  There is a really big world out there and I want to share some of the blessings He has given us.  It took this year for me to truly understand that I have never celebrated Christmas.  I have celebrated the holidays, yes, but I have not celebrated Christ-mas.  


  1. You said that beautifully. We are all guilty of celebrating the holiday. Funny, I have written a blog basically about the same topic. I haven't published it yet, but will sometime this week. I love you Sarah. I feel your hurt...Mama Jen

  2. God has the power to save....but we are not promised any length of time with our children. I am so sorry you lost your Holden. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago around Christmas time. It really is sad, but it made me realize that I just need to treasure the time I have with my children. I am not guaranteed any amount of time with them. I hope you do have a great holiday season as your beautiful baby boy looks down from Heaven.

  3. Sarah, you and your family are in my prayers! I know all too well the pain that you are going through. I am here to tell you that you will make it through. God is an awesome God and will see you through. A friend told me, when my precious son went to be with Jesus, to watch for His blessings. Her daughter was stillborn 4 years before my son. She helped me through the pain. I kept a journal of God's blessings and look back on that (8 years later) and see God's hand in so much of what went on. You don't know me at all, but know that I am praying for your heart to heal. The pain doesn't go away, but with the Lord's help, it does soften over time. In Christ,

  4. Thank you ladies. The Lord has given us joy this Christmas, through Holden Uganda and the outpouring of love from our sweet friends, including you.
    Holden is WITH the reason for the season.