Closer

Eight months away, but eight months closer to you, sweet son.

This is what Kara and I came home to, after leaving Chet with Jax (Kara's 8 month son):

It is incredibly bittersweet to me, because I know Chet is a wonderful Daddy.  My heart was melted...I had been worried to leave them alone, but Chet stopped all work and cuddled.

Tonight I thank the Lord for binding up wounds, even if the salve hurts.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

New life

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may have a new life.  Romans 6:4

Holden, 


I know you are always celebrating the HOPE of new life that Jesus has given us through salvation.  What it must be like to celebrate with the Reason for our hope!  Your Daddy and I wish you were here with us today, but we know you are in the best place of all.  All day I thanked Jesus for giving us the promise of eternal life with you, sweet baby.  It was difficult to drive by all the sweet children hunting eggs this morning, because I miss spending each special moment with you, not because I think you are missing these earthly activities.     


We live for that Glorious Day!  Happy 1st Easter son! 


I love you sweetie, 
Mommy

There has not been a time since Holden's birthday that I have been this refreshed.  Easter reminded me again what a glorious, redemptive HOPE we have because of the Cross.  I actually made it through most of today without crying...I know we will see our firstborn again, all because of the sacrifice made on the Cross.  Thank you Jesus!

We spent yesterday (Erwin Easter) at Chet's parents house.  Chet and the men in his family hauled rocks while the ladies talked and baked in the sun.  I am definitely a little too pink today, but the sun felt so nice for a change.  (I know I live in Texas where it's always sunny, but I just don't have time to get out in it at all!)  Chet's brother got a bunny for his kids, and I think I liked it as much as they did.  :)  Meet Roger:

Church was a perfect way to start our Easter this morning.  As we sang Christ is Risen, I thought about how much He has conquered death.  I know I wouldn't have made it past the first verse without crying 8 months ago.  

We had a wonderfully quiet lunch of pizza together (we may be the oddest couple, but I was would trade a stress free lunch for a fancy Easter meal any day).  Then I convinced Chet to run to Wal-Mart for some plants, flowers and mulch to get rid of the "winter dead".  6 hours later, we are sore and sunburnt (even more), but finally have a pretty front yard!

The whole time we were planting, I thought about the last time our flower bed had been changed:  We had returned home from the hospital after losing Holden to a flowerbed full of breathtakingly beautiful flowers.  Our Sunday School class truly knew how to do something incredibly meaningful; they planted new life.  I meditated about this a lot today, as I was sweating.  They worked hard to give us bright, new life in our yard.  It was very bittersweet to work on the flowerbed...Chet and I were both hit by these emotions as we worked.

Here are some photos, although I still need to work on some things. (i.e. Get new pillows for the bench one day, but I am not in a hurry, since it is really trivial in the scheme of people dying worldwide from malnutrition.)

And here's one from my iPhone of the lights working this evening:

New life is refreshing.

Thank you Jesus for your blessed promise.  Happy Easter everyone!

Atoned

See, my servant will act wisely; He will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted.  Just as there were many who were appalled at Him - His appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any human being and his form marred beyond human likeness.  Isaiah 52:13-14

That is my Jesus.  Marred beyond human likeness for me.  For all of my sin.  For all of my uncleanness.  I get a little aggravated at the cross symbol, to be honest.  It is used so casually.  I have many crosses on the walls of my house, actually.  As decor.  I pass by them each day, not even caring to think about what they symbolize.  I wear cross jewelry.

Yet, our Saviour wasn't even recognizable on that Cross.

Did He have to die?  No.

He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross! Philippians 2:8


It is easy to wallow in my pride and selfishness.  I can let grief overtake my life.  I can be bitter and angry because my 8 month-old won't be celebrating Easter with us this year.  Yet, as I go into Easter week, all I can think about is how God purposefully gave His PERFECT Son to die for me.

I had heard that you cannot understand the depth of God's love until becoming a parent.  Since Holden's birthday, I have said it many times, but it especially resonates with my soul this week.  I did not fully understand the depth of His love, until I had looked into my son's face.  He sent His Son to die for us..for me...for all.  He loves us more than I can put on paper.

I am doing a study on the Holy Spirit, and have felt a strong nudge to read the Bible through again.  I have decided to start this week.  As I remember the times I read the Bible from cover to cover, I know EVERY single word points to the Cross.  It points to the reason we exist...the reason we even have a "why" to live.

I am humbled by His goodness.  We hope because of that undeserved Atonement.

What a week to thank Him for abundant life.

Christ is Risen
by Matt Maher


Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love

And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down

In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave

Family matters

I can finally, oficially announce that I will be an auntie yet again!!  My baby brother is having a little girl in September! :)  Well, his beautiful wife, Charity, is!  :)  We are thrilled for them!!  I have to include this photo (sorry if this is not okay with you bro...it's always more fun to beg forgiveness than ask permission) of the cutest couple:

Did you just roll your eyes?  Because I did.  I went through the dozens of stinkin' adorable photos they have, and I started to ask myself if I could really love a sister-in-law who is THAT pretty....lol.  ;)  [I tried to find one that wasn't so perfect, to no avail.]  Then I knew, "Of course I can!  She is just as pretty in the INSIDE!"  I LOVE YOU CHARITY!  

Won't my NIECE be amazing?!?!  This will be my first NIECE, so I am stoked.  All those adorable places like Couture Blessings, Marina's Monogramming, etc that I have always wanted to spend a fortune at...well now I can!

Chet is the baby of his family, which means that the nephews and niece we have on his side are it.  No mas nephews and nieces from the Erwin side.  (Unless we all are in for a big surprise one day ha!)    My twin has two PRECIOUS sons, who are apples of my eyes, but their family is complete.  So I now have to rely on Joel and Charity for any additional auntie surprises! :) 

I look forward to 9-10-11 (or whenever God wants her to arrive) to hold and kiss my little niece.

Hope Mommies & Impending Mother's Day

I suppose two blogs in one evening is quite a bit.  Sorry.

But God knows what's best for His kids...and since I am one of them, He gave me a HUGE gift this evening that I think I need to share:

My "Prayer Partner" from Chicago just emailed me.  This might seem insignificant, but the prayer ministry set up by Hope Mommies is truly unbelievable.  There are people all over this globe, interceding for Hope Moms.  Something Carla said was that I have a wonderful support system through our friends and family.  She is so right!  So much so, that I feel a little selfish to receive a Prayer Partner as amazing as Carla.  I am truly blessed and beyond grateful for another person willing to take time out of her life to pray and love someone she has never met (me/us).

"pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16 (one of my favorite verses in the entire Bible)


I know a bad day can be changed by an act of kindness.  Our youth pastor is leading a home study over the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan.  I read the first couple of chapters last night and realized I all-to-often minimize the Holy Spirit in my life.  My mind 'places' Him in a little box; one that has "human" boundaries.  Our limitLESS Holy Spirit has once again given me Comfort through my new friend Carla.


Mother's Day is coming up, and I know it is a day that is bittersweet for all moms who have lost their children.  Hope Mommies is offering a beautiful gift (that I was extremely privileged to preview) for those who would like a way to love and support a Hope Mom they know this May 8th.  I was breathless when I saw the painting, and I know it will leave other Hope Moms feeling the same way.  Erin shared this, "One special way we want to do this for you this year is for Mother's Day. A very talented and dear friend of mine has painted something beautiful, designed for us - it is the depiction of our story. I earnestly want each of you to have one! You can read more about the painting at http://hopemommies.org/products-page/mothers-day/."  

PLEASE check out Hope Mommies and the POWERFUL ways this ministry is sharing His LOVE, PEACE and COMFORT.

We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers, remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ in the sight of our God and Father.  1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

I feel detached lately.  I sometimes think deep pain is better than complete forgetfulness.  I'm writing this blog from the cemetery.  I'm sitting on a pile of dirt, where only a few feet under me lays the body of my child.  I felt that I needed to come here to clear my head and pray.  Kelly reminded me today that the Word is the only true comfort we can get, so here I sit about to read some Psalms.  It's surreal to sit on top of ground that holds the body of your baby.  

Is this a normal phase of healing?  (What is normal any ways?)

I saw a pregnant friend yesterday and I thought to myself, "I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant?"  The fact that I had been pregnant before mysteriously did not cross my mind the whole time I stared at my cute friend.  Her belly and smile made me wonder how it must feel to anticipate a child and experience it's miraculous growth.    

And that is why my wonderful day ended in tears last night.  Maybe I am crazier than I thought I was?  How is it that I can go three or four minutes without even the faintest feeling of remembering my pregnancy?  I laid in bed and tried to remember the happiness of last year.
  
I would have gladly traded my usual "recoil a little at pregnancies-reaction", for the complete loss of memory I had yesterday.  7 1/2 months isn't even far away, yet I am having a really difficult time conjuring up the feelings I had just last year at this time.  The memory of a baby kicking me almost seems like a far away dream.    

Hmph. So I am basically just writing today to console my heart.  To remind myself that I was pregnant.  I did enjoy the ultrasounds, kicks, appetite, choosing a name, praying over someone only I could feel.  

This weekend someone said that Chet and I are missing out on kids, and that we should have them.  (Or something like that.  I was lost at "they should have kids.")  Thankfully, even though probably not the most wonderful thing to hear, it did make me grateful that I still have feelings and knee-jerk reactions to statements about our child(ren).  I was relieved to be cognizant of my emotions.  Being detached is far more aggravating than getting worked up over a thoughtless comment.

The Psalms already have me feeling better.  This verse gave me peace: For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past. Psalm 90:4  I know our time on earth is such a blink in comparison with eternity.  

My heart is lighter.

I truly do not know how people grieve without Jesus.  Without our mighty Comforter, I would be am even bigger mess.  

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hungry

My first thoughts as I read Luke 4 this evening, were that I was thankful for another reminder that our Savior came as a Man, who had the same feelings and emotions we do.  I often make God out to be this "non-formative being" who is too different to really understand.  But He felt hunger and thirst just like we do.

He was even tempted like us.  The One who created Satan, was tempted by him.  That is just how human He was.

Okay, as my coworkers know, I can barely go 40 minutes without snacking.  You don't really want to be in contact with me if I am 8 hours from my last bite.  I hate to admit this, but I am one of the only Christians I know who has never fasted.  My kind of fasting are the hours between dinner and breakfast, and I never, ever skip breakfast.

Jesus did not eat for 40 days!  After being as faint as anyone would be after not eating for 40 days, He was offered the entire world (on top of some food) if he would worship the devil.  We all know Jesus did not worship the devil, even in the extremely weak condition He was in.

And then Jesus had to resist the devil as he tempted Him even more.

I read this passage several times tonight and thought about what kind of struggle that must have been.  How easy would it have been to make a choice to eat?  How about the choice to show off how powerful He was by jumping off the pinnacle?

This passage depicts what kind of strength we can draw from God.  Jesus was born a human being.  He understands our every thought, emotion and feeling.  As much as it seems that He has forsaken me at times, I know He hasn't.

In my weakness, He is strong.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

The littlest things

That is the devotional page for Holden's birthday in my dear friend's devotional.  God is so amazingly caring, even about the little things...like knowing I would need this 7 months after August 28th.