I feel detached lately. I sometimes think deep pain is better than complete forgetfulness. I'm writing this blog from the cemetery. I'm sitting on a pile of dirt, where only a few feet under me lays the body of my child. I felt that I needed to come here to clear my head and pray. Kelly reminded me today that the Word is the only true comfort we can get, so here I sit about to read some Psalms. It's surreal to sit on top of ground that holds the body of your baby.
Is this a normal phase of healing? (What is normal any ways?)
I saw a pregnant friend yesterday and I thought to myself, "I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant?" The fact that I had been pregnant before mysteriously did not cross my mind the whole time I stared at my cute friend. Her belly and smile made me wonder how it must feel to anticipate a child and experience it's miraculous growth.
And that is why my wonderful day ended in tears last night. Maybe I am crazier than I thought I was? How is it that I can go three or four minutes without even the faintest feeling of remembering my ? I laid in bed and tried to remember the happiness of last year.
I would have gladly traded my usual "recoil a little at pregnancies-reaction", for the complete loss of memory I had yesterday. 7 1/2 months isn't even far away, yet I am having a really difficult time conjuring up the feelings I had just last year at this time. The memory of a baby kicking me almost seems like a far away dream.
Hmph. So I am basically just writing today to console my heart. To remind myself that I was pregnant. I did enjoy the ultrasounds, kicks, appetite, choosing a name, praying over someone only I could feel.
This weekend someone said that Chet and I are missing out on kids, and that we should have them. (Or something like that. I was lost at "they should have kids.") Thankfully, even though probably not the most wonderful thing to hear, it did make me grateful that I still have feelings and knee-jerk reactions to statements about our child(ren). I was relieved to be cognizant of my emotions. Being detached is far more aggravating than getting worked up over a thoughtless comment.
The Psalms already have me feeling better. This verse gave me peace: For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past. Psalm 90:4 I know our time on earth is such a blink in comparison with eternity.
My heart is lighter.
I truly do not know how people grieve without Jesus. Without our mighty Comforter, I would be am even bigger mess.
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