To my two babies

Chet sent me this on Sunday while he and Grey spent the morning at home together.

Today is Grey's 23rd week birthday, and two days after Holden's 2nd Glory Day!  I am just now sitting down to write a blog post, although I doubt I can describe this week very well, because I really don't know how.

To say that Holden's birthday was better this year than the past two is an understatement.  I woke up Tuesday with Grey snuggled in my arms (yes, I decided she had to sleep in our bed for the night!) and kept her in my arms all day.  Two years ago I would never have dreamed of walking the road of pregnancy again after the nightmare of losing Holden.  Last year on Holden's 1st birthday, we knew we were pregnant, but I could not let my heart imagine taking a baby home.  It felt like I was in a dream all day long to be able to hold a live, beautiful little person.  

We sent balloons up to heaven with the Holden Uganda team on Saturday, and were very blessed by so many people remembering our family this week.

Holden, my sweet son, I may be two days late blogging this, but I think you know just how much I love you and thanked God for you all day long on your 2nd birthday.  I think of you as a chubby, rambunctious toddler, full of energy and laughter.  I imagine you with green eyes and a head full of light brown hair.  I think you would be quite the fun little stinker right now, getting into our toilets, and climbing every surface in the house.  You would probably be in a toddler bed now and 'too big' for constant cuddles in my arms.  I am aware that you may not even be a baby/toddler in heaven, but this is how I think of you.  I do because of how much our Heavenly Father loves children, so I picture heaven filled with His precious children.  Not a day goes by yet that I haven't imagined what you would look like in our family.  Our family would be so very different, indeed.  We are so profoundly different than we were the day you were born.  

What did you do on Tuesday?  I know time is such a human concept...but I believe that you celebrated the fact that you have been able to spend every day of 2 years with Jesus!    

Your little sister (isn't she the cutest?), Daddy and I spent the day as a family, thanking God for your life.  Grey loves balloons, so we decided to let her send two of them up to you.  We took Grey to your body's resting spot for the first time.  She smiled and seemed so at peace; what an example and gift from God to watch.  I know that is how He wants us to be about your life, yet I still ended up in tears out there, because I selfishly want you in my arms instead.  Each year on your birthday we are going to do something to give back to God what He has given to us as a family...it is what we think is the best way to celebrate the gift of having you as our son.

The deep pain of losing you is no longer there, yet the deep longing to be with you always is.  We praise God for everything good that has come out of your life...and the good that will come.  It is a joy to experience the glory the Lord gets through your name and life.

I am never going to stop missing you, until the Glorious Day I can join you in Paradise.  Happy 2nd Birthday Holden Newell!  I mean that - Happy.  

I love you more each and every day,

Mommy

Grey, you are 23 weeks old.  I am sure every parent of a "rainbow baby" feels the way I do, but I simply cannot understand the grace poured on us through your life.  I stared at you all day on your big brother's birthday, and marveled at how good God's plans are.  You are such a perfect GIFT in every possible way.  I pray for your life to have a powerful impact on this world for the Jesus Christ.  You are a priceless and measureless weight in my arms.

At 23 weeks, you are:

• Spending your first day in daycare today!  I am nervous and having a difficult time not crying all of my makeup off, but I know you are in good hands and will love playing with friends each day.  You love babies and have 7 of them to love on each Tuesday and Thursday! :)  
• Honing your rolling skills.  You are getting better at rolling multiple times to get places.
• Starting to eat formula mixed in your bottles.  This has not been easy, since you are very particular about tastes, and very strong-willed to eat things you like.  ;)  We are going slow, but hope to transition you to formula within the next couple months.
• Loving your green beans and peas!  So far we haven't added any other flavors of baby food to your diet because we are going easy on your digestive system, but you squeal for them and eat as much as we will let you!
• Learning to play "games"!  This week was you played your own version of "peek-a-boo"!  Your version is precious:  You look up at me to give you a kiss, and then you laugh and turn away and hide your face...over and over and over.  I LOVE IT!!

Because Grey is at daycare, we didn't get our normal weekly photo shoot in.  I will take some tonight though.  This was a photo of my chubby princess from yesterday, and one right before we left for daycare this morning:

 She's got THE sweetest smile on earth.

Smiles.  The tears flowed after I got in the car after saying goodbye. :/

Two years ago was the hardest day of my entire life.  I could never picture myself happy on this day.  Thank you Jesus for JOY.

"...was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell."  2 Corinthians 12:4  

Oh the things you are experiencing Holden.