Thursday, January 20, 2011

Almost a Mother

I heard that phrase while going through several blogs.  It is exactly how I feel; extraordinarily poignant.

I know people have told me countless times, "But you are a mom!"  I really do believe that yes, I birthed Holden, so I am his "mom", but I just don't feel like a mom.  A mom gets to mother her children.  Care for them.  Feed them.  Cloth them.  Kiss them.  Take away their hurt.  Laugh with them.  Talk to them.  So I appreciate the great effort all of my friends have gone through to try to make me feel like a Mom (because it means a lot), but I just don't feel it.  Not today.

Sometimes I feel more like a "mom" to students of mine, than to Holden.  It's strange.

Some days are just simply harder than others, even when I try to be positive.

11 comments:

  1. I just can't wait to hug you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is a lot harder to be a mommy to a baby in heaven than it is to be one to a baby here on earth that is for sure. Oh what an eternal reward it will be:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. So very true! Although we are moms, its so hard to feel like one when you don't have someone to mother, to take care of, to hug. But we are moms and Paige is right...one day we'll meet our children and the reward will be all that we've hoped for and more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Every well you build and every drink of clean water that is drank and every life that is changed by Holden's story his mansion in Heaven increases in size. THAT is a mother. I love you sweet friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand what you are saying sweet Sarah. I wish I could take away your pain. There are just some days that you will feel empty. Some days the positive thoughts just will not come into focus. It's ok. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We are definitely in a different category of "Mom." I feel like a mother because I love my daughter fiercely, in the way only a Mom does. But I am not sleep deprived because of feedings, I am because of grief. I have pictures of my child around my house, but I will never have "new" pictures I can only recycle the old. I do crafts and projects- but they are for memorial projects, not arts and crafts on a rainy day with the kiddo. We were robbed of the typical Mom experience, that's for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Aw, Sarah.......brought tears to my eyes. I'm thinking about you and sweet Holden tonight. Someday, when you are a mother to a baby here on Earth, you will hold that child a little tighter because of Holden. I know that I do that with Sierra, and if we are blessed with another child, I will appreciate every second, every ache or trip to the bathroom. That being said, we will always wish we could do all these things with our babies in heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really do love you, sweet Sarah. You are so amazing. Thank you for being so willing to open your heart in such a raw, truthful way. I've always had a hard time admitting my true emotions to myself and others, but your bravery gives me courage. I will continue to pray for you and I will be carrying you in my mind and heart. -Analisa

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love all of you. Thank you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hello Sarah. This is something that I am having such a difficult time with. We spend 9 months (even before that) thinking only about taking care of our precious babies. We are so ready to make taking care of them the focus of our lives. So quickly, that is taken away. During my first days at home, I was literally having panic attacks because I wasn't able to take care of my baby. A friend of mine shared something with me that does help me on some days.....when you are a mother to a child here on earth, your main purpose for caring for that child is to ensure that when their life is over, they are welcomed into Heaven. As a mommy to a baby in heaven, you did such an amazing job taking care of Holden during your nine months together, that he was already perfect and ready to be with to God in heaven.

    Kristen
    Baby Jack's mommy

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sorry....
    I meant to add that there will ALWAYS be those days that ALL we want is to hold, snuggle, and love on our beautiful babies.

    Take care,
    Kristen

    ReplyDelete