Sunday, November 7, 2010

10 weeks

10 weeks seems like a short amount of time for how much we have missed Holden.  It feels like this can't be so.  I even re-counted on my calendar to make sure I was right about ten weeks.

This weekend was so busy, I am just now sitting down at a computer.  I have many loads of laundry awaiting me [some days I wonder if it would be easier to load it all up and take it to a laundromat to get it all done at once...nothing like airing my dirty laundry across the internet. ha!] and about 20 emails to write, but I just needed to be uplifted by some of my sweet friends' blogs.  I love that I am totally surrounded by amazing, faithful, precious friends and 'blog friends'.

I started blogging at the beginning of my pregnancy, to provide Holden with a journal of his life; writing has now turned into therapy for me.  Even more, I have been uplifted by other friends in this "blogging world".  I am truly grateful the internet exists, to connect people in this way.

Our friends, Blair, Adam, Brittney, Jessica and Mike spent the weekend with us to watch the Tech/Mizzou game.  Each year since we graduated, we try to get together during football season to catch up and watch a Tech game.  We had planned to watch a game this late in the season, a few months ago, since Holden would be "old enough" for someone to watch him for a couple of hours while we went to the game.  (Or, if the weather was nice enough, he would have gone with us.)  It's little things like this that are constant reminders of how much we had been so excited for the change in our lives Holden would have made.

We had a great weekend with our sweet friends though, so that was a blessing.  Before the game we were able to see Brooke and Eric and their two {{precious}} cutie pies, Gunner and Charli.  Tech also played their best game of the season, which made the day very nice. :)

I have to admit that I have really struggled with joy lately.  It feels "odd" when I am having a good time with friends.  Although I am genuinely enjoying myself and love being surrounded with my sweet, happy friends (I don't want people thinking I am depressed and incapable of happiness), I miss Holden so much .... it's like I can't enjoy the time to the fullest.  A part of me is missing, and I cannot ever get that out of my mind.

When I pray for joy, I usually end up in tears.  Maybe that is not right, but it's the ugly truth.  I don't understand God's plans and choices for me, to the extent that I should yet, so it is difficult to ask Him for joy.  My feeble human heart feels that I would have full joy if Holden was here, so to ask God to restore the joy in our lives is like asking for Holden back.  Many times recently, I have come across the saying, "You can only experience joy to the extent you have experienced pain."  I disagree with it.  Maybe I won't always disagree with it; I hope not. Trust me, I know how weak and selfish I am being.  I know Holden's life has blessed Chet and me (and others), exactly the way it is, but I just want my baby back.  Even if that means I am selfish.  Even if it means I have to honestly admit that all the "good" that has come from Holden's life is not good enough for me, yet.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  James 1:2-4 

I patiently (and impatiently) pray that my heart will 'count it all joy one day', and that I will see my life as 'perfect and complete, lacking nothing'.


  1. oh sarah! i somewhat agree with the quote...just because there are so many instances in the Bible where this very thing happened. Look at Paul's life. He lived a life full of pain and perscution..but for those very reasons He was able to bring others to Jesus. If he had never suffered...he would have never realized his blessings. I don't know if it is a must...but i can say that for me.. if I had never lost Tatum, my love for callyn joy would not be the same it is today. She is joy in the purest form. - on a different note, i am so glad that you enjoyed yourself this weekend. Don't ever feel like because you let yourself laugh and enjoy life that you are loving Holden any less....Love you!

  2. Paige,
    I think you are right. I needed that reminder about Paul's life. Thank you. I absolutely know for a fact that Chet and I will NEVER, ever, ever take a moment of any possible "Erwin children" for granted. Your sweet Callyn is pure joy...!
    Maybe I just need more patience to understand the saying.
    Love you too wonderful friend!

  3. I know exactly what you mean about 10 weeks seeming like much longer. In many ways, it feels like it has been years or at least many, many months.

  4. Keeping you in prayers as you continue on the path God has laid out for you.

  5. I lost my son Noah 7 weeks ago and it seems impossible that it's only been 7 weeks. It feels like forever ago, yet at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. I sometimes too feel like I can't enjoy life because I'm always thinking of how it would be different if Noah were here. I honestly have screamed and cried for God to give him back to me. It is our human nature to just want our babies back, and that's ok, I believe. But so many beautiful things have come out of our loss and that is what makes it a little easier when I can look at how God has worked to bring beauty from the ashes. Thank you for your blog. It has brought me great comfort at times. I love your heart for God and it encourages me in my walk as well. Just another reason to see how God is using Holden. What an amazing son you have!