10 weeks

10 weeks seems like a short amount of time for how much we have missed Holden.  It feels like this can't be so.  I even re-counted on my calendar to make sure I was right about ten weeks.

This weekend was so busy, I am just now sitting down at a computer.  I have many loads of laundry awaiting me [some days I wonder if it would be easier to load it all up and take it to a laundromat to get it all done at once...nothing like airing my dirty laundry across the internet. ha!] and about 20 emails to write, but I just needed to be uplifted by some of my sweet friends' blogs.  I love that I am totally surrounded by amazing, faithful, precious friends and 'blog friends'.

I started blogging at the beginning of my pregnancy, to provide Holden with a journal of his life; writing has now turned into therapy for me.  Even more, I have been uplifted by other friends in this "blogging world".  I am truly grateful the internet exists, to connect people in this way.

Our friends, Blair, Adam, Brittney, Jessica and Mike spent the weekend with us to watch the Tech/Mizzou game.  Each year since we graduated, we try to get together during football season to catch up and watch a Tech game.  We had planned to watch a game this late in the season, a few months ago, since Holden would be "old enough" for someone to watch him for a couple of hours while we went to the game.  (Or, if the weather was nice enough, he would have gone with us.)  It's little things like this that are constant reminders of how much we had been so excited for the change in our lives Holden would have made.

We had a great weekend with our sweet friends though, so that was a blessing.  Before the game we were able to see Brooke and Eric and their two {{precious}} cutie pies, Gunner and Charli.  Tech also played their best game of the season, which made the day very nice. :)

I have to admit that I have really struggled with joy lately.  It feels "odd" when I am having a good time with friends.  Although I am genuinely enjoying myself and love being surrounded with my sweet, happy friends (I don't want people thinking I am depressed and incapable of happiness), I miss Holden so much .... it's like I can't enjoy the time to the fullest.  A part of me is missing, and I cannot ever get that out of my mind.

When I pray for joy, I usually end up in tears.  Maybe that is not right, but it's the ugly truth.  I don't understand God's plans and choices for me, to the extent that I should yet, so it is difficult to ask Him for joy.  My feeble human heart feels that I would have full joy if Holden was here, so to ask God to restore the joy in our lives is like asking for Holden back.  Many times recently, I have come across the saying, "You can only experience joy to the extent you have experienced pain."  I disagree with it.  Maybe I won't always disagree with it; I hope not. Trust me, I know how weak and selfish I am being.  I know Holden's life has blessed Chet and me (and others), exactly the way it is, but I just want my baby back.  Even if that means I am selfish.  Even if it means I have to honestly admit that all the "good" that has come from Holden's life is not good enough for me, yet.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  James 1:2-4 

I patiently (and impatiently) pray that my heart will 'count it all joy one day', and that I will see my life as 'perfect and complete, lacking nothing'.