Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Yesterday was the first day I have watched Holden's video in a couple weeks.  I try to start it, and then just can't finish.  I am so "over" crying if I can help it.  It is too exhausting; I know that is probably a bad attitude...but I am.  Crying just hurts.  But then again, not crying hurts too.  I'm glad I watched it, even if it was through tears.  He is such a sweet little boy.  

This afternoon was rough.  No particular reason why.  It just was lots of small reasons.  It is hard to be happy all the time...when you miss your baby so much.

I have a list swirling around in my mind that is my "new normal" after sending Holden up to Jesus.  Two months ago, this list did not exist: 

1.  Roller coaster of emotions every day.
2.  Becoming slightly obsessed with blogs and google.  It is a strange comfort to read stories from other mommies who know how this feels.  Their strength strengthen me.  I had never been one for spending hours on the computer, but I guess it's like a "club" of mommies who had to say goodbye to soon, that I am now a part of.  Being around so many "regular" parents can make me feel a little alone and confused.  It is healing to see the joy and hope in other couples' stories, who have walked this path before.
3.  Realizing I am going to be perpetually behind on thank you cards.  I never would've imagined being 'that girl'.  I'm her.
4.  Leaning on my husband like I never thought I would.  Sad to admit, but I am a very independent person.  I didn't know I would have to let Chet hold me while I just cried for hours on end.  Good thing he doesn't mind a wet shoulder, ghoulish mascara running down my face and a bright red Rudolph nose.  That is true love.
5.  Buying Wal-Mart and United out of Kleenex boxes (true story in regards to United...they were running low I guess).  I should get some kind of discount on them.
6.  Time eluding me.  Sometimes I feel like we met Holden yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like it's been 10 years ago.
7.  A newfound love of writing.  That is self-explanatory I suppose.
8.  A newfound love of music.  Speaks to my soul in an all-new way.  Silence is not something I handle well.
9.  An intense feeling of wanting to tell every parent I know to love their babies...even more.  More than even that.  To tell them to take more time out to enjoy their babies.  Take more pictures.  Read more stories together.  Stress less over everything.
10.  My heart being changed every day.  This is challenging, but good.
11.  Food not tasting near as good as it once was.  I don't know why, but I am really struggling with this.  I was always a foodie, but now I just eat to eat.  (The only thing I have found to be really tasty is the zucchini soup at Bama's in Colorado City.  I am sad I didn't freeze zucchini this summer to make my own!  Okay that was a rabbit trail.) 
12.  Understanding that I will never be able to understand Jesus' grace, peace, love and mercy to the depths that He surrounds me in them. 
13.   Realizing it is easier to say and quote faith, than walk faith.  Much easier.
14.  My heart filling with joy when I hear the name Holden Newell.  Maybe that is the way all parents are when they hear their childrens' names.  It's just something about his name that speaks to my mommy heart.
15.  Having to let my heart be open and raw. 
16.  Becoming more honest with myself.
17.  Not sleeping well.
18.  Loving to be around babies with their pure innocence and sweetness, but aching so much when I do.  It's odd.  I want to be around them, but my heart breaks at the same time.  I think I am strange to enjoy being around babies.  They are just such perfect examples of God's love, joy and happiness to us; I can't stay away from them, even if it hurts.
19.  Thinking every moment about what Holden would be doing right now.  When I read about my other friends' babies, I wonder if Holden would be experiencing the same things.        

This list really isn't complete, but I thought I would just start it, since it is consuming my life about now.


  1. I have so many of these some thoughts and emotions. This brought tears to my eyes.... I am so happy that I am not alone and that we are apart of the same "club". Thank you for sharing this. I hope your heart is a little lighter today. Somedays are just so hard...

  2. Sarah - I can relate to every single thing on your list. Knowing that we're not alone is so important. It is often the thing that keeps me going on a daily basis. I look at other moms who haven't lost children and I think "I have nothing in common with you" or I see parents yelling at their kids in the store and I just want to tell them "be happy they are alive!" These things that we took for granted before. I think eventually it will get easier and life won't seem so intense, but for now, it is so helpful to connect with other angel moms and know that we are experiencing many of the same things. Take care of yourself!

  3. Wow...although i never sat down to write these things out...I have felt EVERY single one (well other than the soup thing!) I often thought..this is what my life is now. Someone who NEVER cries in public now must make sure there are kleenex in my purse before leaving the house. For was like an out of body experience. Even now, sometimes I can't say "my baby is dead." But she is. The most comforting part of finding friendships with others in this dreadful "club" is that they know...they just know without you having to say it...and they don't say things that you don't want or need to hear. AND, for those that walked it well before brings such hope. To know you will will have a heart full of joy....Be patient sweet Sarah. Time doesn't take away the pain...we will always miss our sweet babies..but it does make it easier. minute by minute, day by day. month by month.

  4. Holly, Mary Beth and Paige,
    I am blessed to know all of you through this. You have all been such a help to me. Our Lord does restore and give joy.

  5. It seems like there are so many of you guys in Texas! I am jealous - I wish I were closer - it'd be so wonderful to meet up for weekly coffee chats :)

  6. I just read through through entire blog. I just lost my little baby Hayley on Tuesday morning, 11/2. I cried through your whole blog. It was so beautiful. Thank you so much.

  7. Mollie,
    I am so, so very sorry you lost sweet little Hayley. My husband and I have been praying for you ever since I read your comment. I absolutely hurt for you. There is no greater pain in the entire world. If you ever would like to talk at any time, I am here to listen. 325.728.0159 or
    Love from another hurting mommy,

  8. Thank you so much. I cried just reading your comment. I will probably take you up on that at some point soon. It's just so, so hard - it's good someone else understands.