Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Happy Heart & Leprosy

So tonight I am going to start packing and wrapping gifts with a happy heart.

It's funny...I don't really know why, but my heart feels amazingly light and happy this evening.  Maybe it is because I have heard Holden's name and seen his name on many things today.  My new friend, Mary Beth, ran a half marathon with his name on her shirt (along with her sweet Reese's name and other angel babies).  Now that is love!

Maybe it is the simple fact that I had a lot of beautiful, precious friends over tonight?

For some reason, I have felt a little bit like a leper lately.  I know that is such a strange way to describe it, but I just do.  I am quite positive it is all me making it up in my mind, and not my friends, but I sometimes wonder if I am just too awkward to be around?  Too difficult and negative?  Too sad?  Too odd?  Friends not knowing what to say or how to act?  I don't know?

I don't think I would know what to say or do either.  In fact, I still don't.  When I have talked to other mommies of heaven babies, I just feel at such a loss for words.  So I guess it's mostly me making up the fact that I am a "leper", because of how I feel.

I know this is probably too honest for the internet world, but I almost am afraid of what pregnant friends think.  I feel like such a downer.  I REALLY want them to know I am genuinely happy for them, and that I don't have a plague.

Well, all that said, I am just really happy that so many of my "brave" friends decided to fill my house this evening.  They were all caring, sweet and normal.  They are so real.  So genuine.  So loving and fun.  I appreciated it immensely.  To feel normal; such a weird thing lately.  I crave the feeling every day.  I am grateful for friends who look past the "leprosy".

We head out to Phoenix very bright and early (ok, so maybe before the bright part) in the morning.  I dread and procrastinate packing more than almost anything in my life.  So hopefully I'll get packed in the next couple hours.  ha! ;)

Blessings to everyone.  I love you.


  1. I wish I could have been at your party! I'll check out the web site though. Like I just wrote on Kelly's blog, it makes me smile from ear to ear to think that I even made a tiny bit of a difference in your day. That makes ME happy! Have a great night!

  2. Isn't it Amazing how seeing your sweet son's names just fills your heart with such joy?!!! I love your description- it hits it headon. You feel like such and outsider in a world that you once fit into so perfectly. You are so blessed to be surrounded by such sweet friends who love you enough...even when they have no clue what to say!

  3. You somehow managed to put into words what I have been feeling for months. A leper? Never would have come up with that on my own, but it is so fitting and perfect. You are amazing!