1 Month

“If I have a monument is this world, it is my son.” ~Maya Angelou

September 28

Precious Son,

You have been gone for a month now.  A whole month away from us, but yet experiencing unspeakable joy.  I am sure you don't even count time like your Mommy does, because you have an eternity to experience joy. 

If you were with Daddy and me, you would probably be sharing your first smiles and coos with us right now.  But you have been smiling every day of your life!  I know your Heavenly Father loves to see you smile. 

Many of your friends have been born this month.  They are all beautiful blessings, and one day you will get to meet them and know them.  

Amazing how much you have changed our lives in one month, Holden.  I have experienced a lifetime of loving you.  You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to your parents.

I live for the day that I get to hug and kiss you again.  Kiss those chunky cheeks. 
I'll hold you in heaven. 

I love you!

~Mommy

"Can this really be happening to us!?"  That what was racing through my mind a month ago.  It still enters my mind often.  Some days all of this is so surreal and I think I will just wake up and be done with the nightmare.  I will wake up and get ready to go to the hospital to have my son like "normal moms". 

A few days ago I decided to google "stillbirth".  Probably a very bad idea, but I just had to.  I'm addicted to google and felt like it would maybe help.  Most of the sites listed "poor prenatal care", "drugs", "alcohol" and "unknown" being the common causes.  Knowing those were not factors in our lives made me upset.  How could a perfectly healthy and cared for pregnancy turn out like this?  I had to google even longer before I finally came across something that stated "cord accidents".  I looked away from my computer screen and had to pray.  None of those things were factors, because Jesus has a reason for calling Holden home early.  We took care of him as well as we could for nine months, and now Jesus is caring for him forever. 

This month included so much change for our lives, I feel like it's actually been closer to 5 years.  Just one month ago I was not grateful enough about the privilege of swollen feet and pregnancy exhaustion.  One month ago, our greatest "problems" in life were so incredibly, sickeningly minor.  Oh how I wish I could go back in time and slap that Sarah in the face.  Really.  A stillbirth never even crossed my mind.  It's sad, but I really always thought stillbirths just happened to "those other people", like far, far away. 

Over the past month we have had to make funeral decisions instead of decisions on who's turn it is to cuddle with Holden, we have had to pick out a headstone instead of which onesie to wear, we have had to bury our most treasured gift instead of discussing who swaddles him better, we have had to watch our first Tech game without our Little Raider, we have had to dismantle a room we spent days and months making perfect.  We have had to learn how to trust God in dealing with grief and emotions we did not think possible.  We have had to learn how to comfort each other, even when we needed comforting ourselves.  We have had to stop being so selfish.  We have had to lean on our wonderful family and friends in Christ. 

Even though we have experienced the darkest days and hours in our lives, we have still known more hope than ever.  The hope is simply something I cannot describe.  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 and .....we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Titus 2:13 
I must say, hope does not diminish pain though. 

Chet and I still ask, "Why us God?  Why not the poor child who is born into an abusive family?  Why not the child born into the arms of a drug addict?  Why not the child born into starvation in Haiti?  How about that mom at Wal-Mart yelling at her six barefooted kids?"  Recently it dawned on me, we do not deserve anything special!  Why not us to get a precious son who we did not deserve, even just for nine months?  Why not us to get to feel indescribable love?  Why not us to have our hearts touched in a way that they never were before?  Why not us to learn the toughest lesson of all, that everything belongs to the Lord, even our children?  Why not us to understand our salvation better?  Why not us to get changed hearts?  We do not deserve anything special.  Yet, we were still given the life of Holden. 

Even though I don't know if I could ever honestly say I am "okay" with my son not being here with me, I can say it is a privilege that God allowed this to happen to us.

A month later, I still wish I could change the outcome and have Holden in my arms.  He would be smiling and working on holding his head up by now.  Chet and I would be so in awe of every little movement and expression from him, we'd probably need a new computer to just contain all of his pictures.   But I have to admit that there has been more positive change in our lives in the past month, than in our whole lives.  God has worked so much in my fragile heart.  I love in a way I never loved.  I pray like never before.  I don't even feel like the same person I was a month ago, because I am not.  God's ways are perfect.  Thank you Jesus for giving us the best gift of all, your salvation.  By that amazing and undeserved promise of eternal life, we will meet our precious Holden in the clouds one day. 

Chet and I are smiling more.  Prayers, time, love and the overwhelming peace of God works miracles.  Thank you precious friends for covering us in never-ending love for the past month.

Happy 1 month birthday, sweet son. (Isn't that such a blink compared to eternity?)