Planner

Today was my first day back at work.  I felt like I was starting my first day at a new job.  Sleep has already not been my best friend, especially in the past 3 weeks; last night I really didn't sleep more than an hour.  I got myself out of bed very early, stared at my closet for thirty minutes before deciding what to wear, drank 5 cups of coffee, and then slowly got started with my morning.  I am extremely grateful for all of you who were praying for me, because I needed your prayers so I didn't just turn right back around and get back in bed. 

I cried the whole way to work...I took a longer drive to work than usual, trying to get myself together.  All I could think of was that I had planned on being away from work for at least six weeks, with my baby.  I had never planned on taking three weeks of "vacation" for the three hardest weeks of my life. 

Thankfully, God's peace just covered and surrounded me as I was pulling up to WTC.  I felt a lot better by the time I got my WTC vehicle and drove up to my office.  In fact, I was laughing by the time I saw my sweet co-workers.  (God has a sense of humor...I just love WTC's quirks...)  Work was busy, which was a blessing.  I needed it!  I felt good and accomplished by 5:00pm.  Yes, getting back to my normal work schedule will be a good thing for me.

I've been consumed with this thought: I am a planner.  I will always be a planner.  My iPhone's calendar can attest to this fact.  I will literally add the silliest things to my calendar- "pick up kleenex", "thaw steaks out tonight", "send so-and-so a birthday card by today", etc.  I plan every detail of my life.  Or so I thought. 

When we got pregnant 10 months ago, I just had my whole life planned out so "perfectly".  I have always liked to think I am the one in control of my life.  Every detail is planned to the "t".  Chet and I got married...but only after I graduated from Tech.  I planned most details of our wedding, marriage, etc.  We waited to have kids at least two years after getting married.  (September 2010 baby would be perfect, right?!)  We were going to have 1 or 2 of our biological kids, and pray about adopting a child.  I felt very good about "my plans".  I had already planned on who would be watching Holden when I went back to work, the day after we found out we were pregnant!  For nine months I planned for Holden's life with us.  I loved planning and planning and planning.  Being a mom was the best thing I'd ever planned for.  It would all be absolutely perfect. 

Well, August 28, 2010 was not in my plans.  It crushed all my plans.  It crushed me.  Being a mom to a baby I could raise was no longer in my life's plan.  How could the most important "plan" in my life be taken away?  Was it because I really was not in control of my life?  How unfair...and .... and .... perfect??!  I haven't wanted to think of this as "perfect".  How could me not holding my son be perfect?  MY plans are perfect!  Being a MOM was perfect! 

Jeremiah 29:11, one of the most cliche and used verses in today's society, has been on my heart every day for three weeks.  I actually hate to admit this, but because Jeremiah 29:11 has been so popular in Christian culture, I feel like it was "overused".  (Yes, that is an awful thing to admit!  Scripture cannot ever be overused!); that is why I never really let it sink in.  Today I let Jeremiah 29:11 sink into my heart.  FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE. 

He has given me a hope and a future.  His ways are perfect.  And his PLANS are perfect...they are higher than we can even think.  Each detail of Holden's sweet life was perfectly planned.  He planned on Holden only enjoying eternal joy and happiness.  My plans would not have been able to provide that.  He planned on Holden changing his Mommy and Daddy to be better Christians.  My plans did not make that a priority. 

I am so blessed to serve a God who has unfathomable love for us in each of His plans.  He allows glory and beauty to arise from all the "unplanned".  I may not understand His plans for us.  I can only be thankful that His ways are perfect and His plans are the very best.

I opened my iPhone calendar at work this morning.  I hadn't added a plan in three weeks. 

Thank you for the prayers.  I love y'all.