Sunday, September 12, 2010

Beauty Will Rise

Out of these ashes.... beauty will rise.  What a difference a song can mean when it fits into your life so much.  A friend sent us a CD with this song on it.  I'd heard it many times on The Message (it's all I listen to), but not since August 28th.  This Steven Curtis Chapman song has a different meaning now.

Looking back on our lives just 15 days ago, I can see so much beauty rising from Holden's short life on earth.  Today I am just going to post some beauty in our lives that has been given to us by the Lord through this experience.

* We love the Lord in an entirely new light.  I believe you MUST be a parent to fully know the love God has for us.  It is something Chet and I discussed on our walk today.  God sent His PERFECT Son to die a horrible death for us.  There is not one person I'd ever let my son die for willingly, and He didn't send His Son to die for the "nice" people either.  He died for us.  Sinners.  I had never, ever been so grateful and incredibly in awe of my salvation as I have, now that I have had my own son.  We serve an awesome fact, there is no adjective to describe our Saviour. Beauty will rise.

* Our faith has been strengthened in a way I would not have even thought imaginable.  It is really easy to "talk" faith, but really walking it is life-changing.  I had always said and believed, "My baby belongs to the Lord", when I was pregnant.  Now I have to walk that faith daily.  Holden DOES belong to the Lord.  He has always belonged to his Heavenly Father.  We were just given the ultimate blessing and privilege to be his parents for a short time on this earth.  My faith has also been strengthened in the simple fact that it is really easy to become depressed, fearful and discouraged during such a loss.  I have had to rely on the Lord to overcome all of those things; I have to pray for this on a daily basis.  Sometimes hourly basis. Beauty will rise.

* Our love for other people has grown immensely.  We are surrounded by amazing, wonderful friends and family.  I know I never appreciated them enough.  Wow-something like this make you realize how much their support and love mean to you.  I know I will never look at my relationships the same way. Beauty will rise.

* Our love for each other is deeper than it ever has been.  Without my precious husband, I don't believe I could have gone through this.  He's been unwavering and a rock by my side.  To see him become a Daddy made me love him in a way I never knew I could love him.  It is so sweet for a mommy to hear her husband and daddy of her child, say sweet things about her baby.  When he says, "I really didn't know I would feel that way when I saw Holden" and "It was the best feeling in the world to hold him and get to dress him", my heart melts.  We have had to be each others encouragers when everyone is gone and it is just us.  Chet has had to put up with me crying for hours on end, had to help me physically in many crazy ways (be prepared all you ladies who've never been pregnant before lol!) and...he still loves me.  I am SO thankful every moment that God brought Chet into my life nearly 6 years ago.  Good thing I wasn't left up to choosing my life partner!  I love you Chet! Beauty will rise.

* Our prayer life is 180 degrees is humbling and embarrassing for me to admit that we did not have a prayer life that we should have had.  We'll probably never have a perfect prayer life.  But we have realized how powerful prayers are in a new way.  I know we have a better relationship with our Saviour because of this.  I find myself "talking" to the Lord about all of our life now.  I had let my prayer life become a terrible "please do this", "thank you for this", "please help so and so", and that was about it.  Now I know I need God in everything.  Everything. Beauty will rise.

* I know what is important in life.  My priorities are not even remotely the same.  I think that speaks for itself.  Beauty will rise.

* People we know-and don't know-have told us that Holden's life has touched them and changed them.  If I could only write how much this means to us.  Beauty will rise. 

Precious, sweet baby boy, all of this has changed in Daddy and Mommy's lives because of your precious life.  Although you are not in our arms, you are in our hearts.  I know beauty will rise because of you.  It has already started rising.  I miss you more than words, but I know that your life has a purpose.  It always did.    

I would like to say that I am completely happy and perfectly fine all the time, but that would be a huge lie.  I would do anything to be able to rock my son to sleep, kiss his face, hold him and never let go, read to him, feed him, pray with him, watch him try to hold his head up (isn't that what babies do around 15 days old?) change his diapers and do everything else mommies and babies do.  But we are changed for the better through all of this.  Completely and utterly changed.  Beauty WILL rise.

Note:  It's almost tough for me to blog after reading through so many wonderful blogs like Chelsea Jacobs'. I hope that you can read her blog. Her beautiful words are obviously Christ-led. Chase's life is so purposeful!  Please check out the amazing things His Chase Foundation is doing for children around the world. 
And please don't read my blog too closely...I don't even edit these posts....and is there a spell-check on blogs? :)

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