Indescribable Love

Photo by Shuffield Photography

There are no words for the feeling a parent has when they meet their child for the first time. I had heard that and believed it; I just couldn't feel it. Last Saturday we felt indescribably love. At 6:38pm Chet and I were filled with a love that I will never, ever be able to write about. All the books in the world cannot describe that love.

The journey that started a week ago has broken us, strengthened us, and brought us to a place we didn't even know existed. Our son has touched people we don't even know. I think that is the most amazing gift through all of this...knowing our Holden has touched people in a way that we never will be able to.

"Why?" Not a moment goes by that we haven't asked that. In our selfish way, we can't help but want our son back. Every single moment I want my son back in my arms. But we know our Lord and Saviour has His loving arms wrapped around our son. His ways are so much mightier and higher than our ways. He has an amazing and PERFECT plan. A friend told me the day we said goodbye to Holden [for the time being], "The first time Holden opened his eyes he saw JESUS!" We, as Christians, can only imagine that unfathomable moment when we see our King! Our precious son saw his Jesus the first time he opened his eyes!! What a peace that gives me. He has only known unspeakable JOY. He will NEVER endure the hardships this earth has to offer. Yet, I will still ask why. I may always ask why. We miss Holden more than I thought possible.

I have wanted to start writing people back and telling them how meaningful their messages, cards, phone calls and notes are to us. It just overwhelms me though, and I can't start writing, because I just cry and cry. You really just don't realize how much you need to lean on people until your life is completely crushed. I wish people could understand how much we want to thank them from the bottom of our hearts for praying for us and being there for us. We really need all of the prayers every single moment. I can't express the amount of gratitude we have for our loving friends and family. The outpouring is tremendous. Today I found out that our dear friends have almost sent in enough support to the Covenant Foundation-Children's Interment Fund in Holden's honor, to help another family just like ours!

This afternoon has been very hard on me (us). We are nearing one week from the day we met our precious son face to face; the day our world was changed forever. Last Friday, I felt Holden's little kicks and movements. We went to bed without a thought that everything we had planned on, loved and known would be utterly different.

I am just going to start writing about our story this evening. I hope it will help. This is a letter I wrote to our son just hours after he went to be with his Jesus. I wrote it on my iPhone, during the deepest emotional state I have ever been in, laying in that hospital bed:

Dear Holden Newell Erwin,

Our precious son.
Little did we know that our lives would never, ever be the same because of you. On December 30, 2009, we were given the best news in the entire world; sweet son, we found out the Lord was blessing us with the gift of life, you. Mommy had a dream about being pregnant with a little boy, so she took 13 tests. All told us we were carrying your life. We were very surprised and couldn't be happier. Instantly we started dreaming about our lives with you.

Every single day we obsessed about you. Were you a girl? A boy? What would you be like? Look like? But most importantly we just prayed you would be healthy.

We prayed for guidance as parents. Baby, we knew we would need all of the Lord's help in caring for you and giving you a Godly home!

God provided us with a wonderful Christian doctor for you and your care, Dr. P. The first time we saw your precious heartbeat, ours skipped. I haven't ever been so in love. This is a feeling that no person who hasn't been a parent can understand. Your strong, beautiful heartbeat was life!

As each day passed, we grew in such love for you, our son. I can't think of one minute you were not on our minds and hearts. Each ultrasound and doctor appointment was something we treasured! You were perfect in every single way on that black and white screen.

17 weeks along was when we found out you were our SON. It was a day I'll never forget. We both wanted a son so very much, and there are just no words to describe the closeness we already felt with you.  We named you Holden Newell. Newell is your grandpa's name. He is an amazing man, and you two will love each other when you meet one day!

Your movements started out as the sweetest little flutters. I cherished every one of them. Soon you started growing and I felt stronger and bigger movements. One thing I never felt throughout our treasured 38 weeks and 5 days with you was pain though. Other mommies complained of jabs causing discomfort. You never kicked me in a way that was painful. You always have been like your daddy, mellow and kind.

We saw the most beautiful face in the world, the cutest, big hands like your daddy and seriously chunky cheeks like both of your parents during your ultrasounds.

You are already blessed with so many friends and family who love you so much! I know you had to have felt the love they poured out on you! Your baby shower was the most incredible shower we've ever seen, and that was just a small taste of the love people had for you, little Holden.

We were happier than anything that you grew each day, bigger and stronger. When we were 32 weeks along, I said many grateful prayers for bringing you as far as He did. Then you surprised us all and stayed in your womb home for another 7 weeks!

Everything we did in the past 9 months was for you and because of you; and we would do it all over again. Nothing was done in our hearts and lives without you in mind!

August 28, 2010 I felt your most amazing movements in the morning, the things I loved more than anything about my days. I also felt contractions, so your Daddy and I thought it would be good to go to the hospital in case we were to meet you face to face.

You know I cannot write about how much we love you honey, and how much we wanted to hear your strong heartbeat that day. But at 11am, we found out you had already gone to be with your Heavenly Father. You have a purpose in heaven right now; although that is something we will never understand.

The gift of your life in our lives, for 38 weeks and 5 days, changed us. We are always and forever, every single second of our lives going to be thankful for the precious moments we had to be your parents.

The Lord gave us the opportunity to love you, even if it wasn't as long as any of us dreamed.
At 6:38pm, you entered this world, the most perfect 7 lbs. 5 oz., 21 inches that ever was. We held you and loved you for 5 hours; the best and hardest hours of our lives. Your brave Daddy helped give you your first bath and dressed you, like a pro. You had many visitors who said prayers and poured their love on our family.

You have long, dark hair, your daddy's big hands and feet, your daddy's chin and cheeks, and your mommy's nose. Where did all your dark hair come from? Your know your Mommy and Daddy were bald when they were born?

You smelled so sweet. Your skin was so soft and flawless.

Even though we were given the privilege to be your parents on earth for such a short time, it was worth every second. Just to get to know you for 9 months is worth the pain of having to let you go so soon.

We know our goodbye to you was not a forever goodbye. We have the sacred promise to meet you again.

Holden Newell, you made our family. You'll always be our family. We love you with every part of our being.

One day we will get to be with you again. We will learn about your personality, your heart, and who you are. We will all be re-united as a family. Until then, we just have to pray for strength and joy as we need to realize you're in the very best Hands.

We love you!

~Daddy & Mommy

Chet wrote this letter to our son on Monday. He and I were given the opportunity to place these letters in his little casket and kiss his face once more on Monday:

Holden,

I am writing you this letter so that Jesus may read it to you whenever you ask about your mother and I. We want you to know that we loved you more than we could have ever imagined we could love anyone or anything. We were so excited to see your face and hold you that Saturday afternoon. I know you never saw us, but we did get to hold you during the night. We smiled when we saw you got your mommy's nose and my cheeks, chin and hands. You also had your Uncle Joel's large feet. So big that when I dressed you for the first time, the Double T socks we brought almost didn't fit. The last nine months all we have done is imagine what you would be like, act like, and grow up to be. Fortunately for you, you will never have to suffer one ounce of pain or sad emotion here on earth like the rest of us. We cannot wait to get to Heaven and see you again, hold you, kiss you, maybe throw the ball around.

We send you to Heaven with the first outfit we ever bought you and a picture of all three of us the last time together and happy. We don't know why God decided to call you home so early, but we know that Heaven just got a little bit better. Now we just wait for our time to come see you again. Until then, please know that we love you and think about you every day.

I love you so much! Love, Daddy

Holden's Story:

I want to say that our stay at the hospital was completely directed by God. The moment we arrived at the hospital, nurse Harriett met us. She became a special part of our family that day. I'm sure many nurses are caring and go "above and beyond", but the Lord brought Harriett into our lives on Holden's birthday, because she is the best. Dr. P is the most caring and compassionate doctor that exists. I cannot even tell you how much her presence in our lives over the past nine months, and especially this past weekend, has changed us. She is someone we respect more than words can tell. Dr. A (our specialist), is such a strong Christian man who showed us what Christ's love is, in action. We literally owe these three beautiful people so much gratitude.

Saturday morning we headed to the hospital, because I thought I was in labor. I had felt Holden's little movements all morning. But Harriett was unable to find our little boy's heartbeat on the doppler when we arrived at the hospital. She had Dr. P and Dr. A bring an ultrasound in to check. The moment we found out our most precious gift had already gone to his eternal home, Dr. A grabbed our hands. He instantly prayed the most beautiful prayer I have ever been blessed to be a part of. God's love just enveloped us at that moment. There will never be a time in our lives that we ever get more life-changing and devastating news, yet the circle of love during that prayer, amongst Dr. P, Harriett, Dr. A, Holden and the two of us was more powerful than I can even write about. I cannot describe the pain. No one can understand that kind of pain, unless you have experienced it yourself. Yet there was such a PEACE [that passes all understanding] at the same time.

We made phone calls to our families and special friends. Almost immediately we were covered in prayers and love from so many people. Their prayers and love are what carried us through Saturday...and still carries us through.
Our families (both related and related by Christ) were there to support us the whole day.

When we delivered our dear son, we felt indescribable love. That is what is on my heart this evening. That is why I started writing all of this.

Every test imaginable was run to help give us an answer as to why our son did not live. The only answer was that Holden had a short cord (only 7 inches!), and likely during a big contraction the cord was pulled too tight, twisted or bent. There was nothing anyone could have done; Jesus just had a reason for calling Holden home. I don't even like typing this out, but I know it's part of his story and so many are curious.

We arrived home to a flower bed of freshly planted flowers. Our church family planted them for us while we were in the hospital. They honestly took my breath away when we walked up to our home in the dark on Sunday evening. I was once again brought to a place of humility with such love given to us. Our friends and family have provided us food, love and care non-stop since we've been home. They have made sure we have not needed a single thing. For this we are forever grateful and humbled.

Holden's service on Tuesday, August 31st, was a day surrounded by the Lord and His love. Pastors Tommy Culwell and Reid Johnson gave a service that was filled with the Holy Spirit and touched every single person there. Our sister-in-law, Charity, sang two songs. During Amazing Grace, a light rain started falling. It was a day we will hold dear to our hearts forever.
Also on this day, Holden's cousin Asher started walking all over the place. He has been a little timid about walking, but I feel it was a God thing that Holden's sweet cousin found strength that day too. :)

September 1, 2010 was the day we had longed for and anticipated for nine months. It was the day we were supposed to meet our son for the first time. Instead we found ourselves on our knees. The profound and unspeakable amount of grace, mercy and love we have found in Him has changed us. Every single relationship we have is deeper and more meaningful. Chet and I love each other in a way we didn't think possible. So yes, September 1, 2010 still ended up being one of the most wonderful in our lives, thanks to the peace of God.

We were given the opportunity to be with my sister Charys and brother Joel (and Scott and Charity) this week. It was a blessing to get to know them deeper.

If you have read this and have prayed for us, or sent us a message, phone call, text, letter, etc. please know we appreciate you. I hope to respond to all of you one day. If not, just know we love you so much.

This is the beginning of a journey we will always be on. We love and miss our son every single moment, but we await that amazing day when we all will meet again. A dear friend mentioned that we are still parents, and that thought has really blessed us. We will always be Holden's parents.