Moving on

Our wonderful, kind and thoughtful friends, Jerrod and Valerie Kerr, gave us a weekend trip to Ruidoso.  It was the perfect getaway for Chet's birthday!  We figured Chet's birthday would be the best weekend to take the trip, because it was the first "celebration/holiday" without Holden.  Plus, we had planned on having a 1 month-old birthday celebration as well, since Holden's birthday was supposed to be September 1st.  We knew the weekend could end up being pretty emotional.  The cool mountain air, scenery, shopping, yummy food and just relaxing/praying/hiking/reading Scripture as a couple was a great way to spend the weekend.  Chet took tons of pictures, so I will be uploading them soon!  He's getting quite attached to our new camera. ;)

During the drive, I almost finished Plan B, a book given to us by two friends.  [I highly recommend it, not only during a loss like ours', but during anything in life that isn't in "the plan".]  One of the stories the author refers to is Job.  (I am NOT in any way comparing our story to Job's.  He obviously endured much more than what we have!)  But reading the story of Job again was just what I needed.  Job never stopped serving God.  Yes, he questioned God quite a bit.  But he never let go of his faith.  He trusted that God had a reason for his "Plan B".  As you know, Job was eventually restored all he had lost, by God's wonderful plan for him.  I look up to Job; I want to know how he "moved on". 

After reading this book I asked myself, "How do we move on?"  Obviously we are moving on with our lives, back to work, etc., but how do we really move on?  If you knew us a year ago, you would think we were extremely happy, enjoying life as just the two of us; and you would be right.  We loved our little life together, and didn't see any need for big changes.  October last year was when we really became serious about our "starting a family" discussions though.  We still did not feel like anything was wrong with the current life we were living...we just wanted to share our lives with a baby.  Our entire thought process changed in December.  We experienced something we never even knew was "missing" from our lives - parenthood. 

So now we find ourselves asking how we move on.  Really, truly move on?  We both realize Holden changed our lives, and we will never be the same because of him.  (I don't want to be the "same"...I hope we never are...I don't ever want to return to a life of mediocricy.)  I crave being a mommy more than anything else.  Being a mommy became a "part of me".  Not one morning have I been able to wake up without feeling like something is "missing" through my entire being.

Nearly all of my friends have asked me if we are going to have another baby, when we will start trying again, etc.  Those are great and expected questions.  But the honest answer is this: we don't know.  We are just praying right now, for God's direction in the next year or two.  That's all.  Becoming pregnant again is not something I am anywhere near strong enough to handle at the time being.  Plus we have always felt called to adopt...I do not and cannot say what the future holds.  Only God knows. 

Chet and I discussed this over the weekend.  Moving on is a lot harder than we thought it would be.  It's getting easier to do the daily tasks, go to work, go grocery shopping, etc.  But moving on emotionally, and not knowing what God's plans are for us is tough.  Waking up in beautiful Ruidoso, I still felt like something was "missing". 

This probably sounds really ungrateful.  I know Holden is not "missing" at all!  He is exactly where he should be.  I am still thankful with every part of me that we have been given the life of our son, and have had the opportunity to see and understand God in a new way over the past 5 weeks.  It is just me and my weak human self that has a difficult time moving on with our "Plan B".  Even though I don't know the plans God has for us, I do KNOW He has plans for us! :) 

Please excuse the rambling.  This journal is sometimes simply a way for me to write exactly what I am thinking...and that is all, embarrassingly so.