October

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb Psalms 139:13

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I didn't even know this day existed two months ago.  People talk about breast cancer awareness so much in October (and I think they SHOULD!), but October is also a month to remember pregnancy and infant losses.  I think miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss is almost "taboo".  It seems like people are too afraid to talk about losing a child, especially a baby.  Maybe it will hurt too much?  Maybe it is embarrassing?  Maybe we won't know what to say?  I don't know?  I even tiptoed around the topic of miscarriage with my sweet friends, not knowing how I could help.  I absolutely ached during my pregnancy when some of my friends had just lost theirs'.  I regret not reaching out more.  Being there more.

I cannot speak for every mom who has lost her baby, but I know for myself, Holden Newell is as real of a baby to me as anyone's baby is to them.  I love to talk about my son.  It makes me happy when people say his name.  It makes my heart sing when people remember important dates to us.  The other day, a girlfriend (I don't even know very well) said she was praying for us because it was a "Saturday".  (We gave birth to Holden on a Saturday.)  Things like that can truly make a mommy's entire day.  When someone says Holden's name to me, I just smile inside and out.  I instantly know they care.  I've received invaluable gifts with Holden's name, initial and/or birthday on them.  Some gifts are "mommy gifts".  These are truly priceless.  I know Holden is real to my friends.  That is worth more than I can say.

Two friends who have recently had babies (who would've been Holden's friends here on earth) both told me they missed my son.  Missed my son?!  My Holden?!  Wow.  That is amazing.  Precious.  God's love being shown to me...especially when they're filled with unspeakable joy holding their own beautiful babies.  Actually, I don't think I've heard many sweeter words, ever. 

Some people are afraid to mention Holden; I know and understand.  I was that girl not so long ago.  But as a mom, hearing your baby's name is so significant.  Not saying his name, to me, is like seeing your other friends and forgetting their kids' names. 

That being said, THANK YOU to everyone who has said "Holden" to me.  Thank you to everyone who has remembered the 28th of September being his 1st month birthday.  Thank you for caring about Chet and I enough to make yourselves uncomfortable, just to speak his sweet name to us.  What a blessing you are to us.  I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable to talk to me about my son.  I am like you; I enjoy talking about my child as much as you do about your children.

Chet and I will be remembering Holden, as well as our other friends' "heaven babies", at the Memorial Walk for Babies in Midland this Friday.  We are blessed to get the opportunity to meet other families who have walked this road.  Things like this don't bring our babies back, but they do give us a way to remember them and fellowship with others who can truly understand.

1 in 4 families experience some type of baby loss.  That is a big statistic.